Sunshine Glory

Beholding Him, Becoming Missional by Laura Krokos

2011-09-16T21:18:00.002-06:00

A great Bible study I want to recommend is by my dear friend and mentor, Laura Krokos. It's called Beholding Him, Becoming Missional and it's a study of 1st Samuel. Totally awesome!

Totally Frustrated

2010-05-21T12:15:00.003-06:00

I have exactly 35 minutes to wait to see if my mom and Chris will make their flight out of Albuquerque. Agh!!! The joys and devastations of free travel.

The only reason they are waiting for this one is because a lady stole my mom's wallet this morning and they had to miss their original flight to confront her (she never gave it back) and to cancel all of her cards and go to the DMV to get a temporary license.

I'm so furious at that lady, I can hardly handle it.

It brings me comfort to know that the Lord "despises" a lying tongue; says so right in Proverbs. I can't remember where and I don't care to look it up right now.

I just wish she had not gotten away with it, that evil had not been allowed to triumph. Especially over my mom - easily the sweetest, gentlest person on the entire planet.

So I'm writing to try and pass the time and not give in to my nerves. I'll check back in.

To My Son

2010-05-18T13:40:00.004-06:00

My sweet baby boy,
You are almost four months old. At your last check-up, at twelve weeks, you were in the 100th percentile for weight at 16 pounds, and the 85th percentile for height. At four months old, you are already well into six-months clothing. And you are the sweetest thing I have ever laid eyes on - you have completely, completely captivated my heart. I have never loved anyone or anything so much in my entire life. You are always smiling, it takes the least bit of effort to coax one out of you. Your daddy gets you to laugh by rubbing his face in your belly; we think his beard must tickle you. You have already begun to show a preference for mom and dad, which, of course, warms our hearts. You are an excellent little traveler, from car to plane to house. You love your carseat (which acts as a sedative for you), which makes it easy for us to be out and about at any time. You began sleeping through the night at about 9 weeks, and you've always been a great nap-taker; you love your naps. A few weeks ago, you got into the habit of waking up about two times a night, for seemingly no other reason than you wanted mom to tuck you back in, but lately you've started to get back out of that habit. One of my favorite things is to go in and get you when you've woken up - your chubby little legs kick so excitedly and your whole face lights up and you always have a smile for me. I love to see your naked little body because it's nothing but rolls upon rolls. I also think you prefer to be naked which makes me wonder what life will be like when you know how to take your own clothes off. :) You have a special connection with your daddy, you will only do certain things for him, like mimic the sounds he's making. I've tried and tried but you just stare intently at my face, occasionally smiling, as if you're thinking I'm rather strange. Being your mother is so much more than I could have imagined. The joy and delight that you bring to my life is incomparable to anything else on this planet. Now, when I think about traveling and having adventures it's so much better because you're a part of it. You are the apple of my eye. You never ever have to wonder how much I love you, it's to infinity and more.

You are my son and my delight.

The One

2010-05-10T13:59:00.004-06:00

We've all heard of The One. We spend our whole lives looking for The One.

That instant and perfect connection.

The first glimpse.

The heart flutterings.

The laughs of delight.

The happiness.

Oh, the happiness.

That's right.

Paint.

That perfect color that screams I'm The One! I was created for intimacy with your living room walls. Before your dining room wall was finished, I had it in mind.

Wilderness Sage + My Kitchen = 4Ever Love.

Except I only wish that were true.

Because I'm still looking for that perfect One. I've had several paint affairs but none that have captured my heart. Or at least my kitchen.

I'm Hurt and the Lesson is Clear

2010-05-08T17:22:00.009-06:00

I've mentioned before that I'm about to start a book study at our church - Beth Moore's latest book, So Long Insecurity. I also mentioned that by nature I'm not an insecure person. Well, lately I feel as if I've been attacked by Insecurity on all fronts. Or at least the fronts that can hurt the most. Marriage and friendship.

And today as we were driving, and I was lost in my own thoughts and hurt feelings, it hit me like a ton of bricks - Lord, you don't want me to just teach this study, to simply regurgitate information. You want me to get it. You want it to be personal to me. You want me to testify from a personal standpoint.

It was so clear to me.

I'm hurt. And I'm mad.

And I'm insecure. And I hate even saying it out loud.

But am I gonna teach this class from a personal standpoint, or am I gonna impassively stand up there and regurgitate information???

Because what this has done has forced me to tell the Lord how I really feel, and ask Him to heal those wounded, vulnerable parts, and to fill me with confidence from Him, and not allow anyone to steal my confidence and security.

And then Matt and I had an argument. And I wonder why I can't just get it right all the time. Why do I make the same mistakes. And let's not be benign and call them mistakes. Why do I continue to react the same sinful way?

So. I don't have any big solutions. My circumstances are the same.

Except I have an incredible comfort from the Lord that He is in this and in me, and He has some lessons for me to learn, and I don't want to miss a single one of them.

Marriage Expert I am Not

2010-05-05T14:17:00.005-06:00

Motherhood is the purest love I've ever experienced.

I love my husband to death, and I love who he is, but part of that love is fueled or depleted by his love and actions towards me. And I don't mean that in a negative way, only in a realistic way. We fuel each other's love for us, although we're committed to loving each other no matter what. And part of growing up in Christ is loving each other even in the moments of unlovabilityness. Or something.

And I think marriage experts would agree, and I do.

(Just kidding, I'm sooo not a marriage expert. Although I do have a good memory and can spew marriage facts like I am, only to "forget" them when it may apply to me.)

But.

But.

The love I have for Micah is neither fueled or depleted by anything he does or doesn't do. It's just there. In the fullest measure that I think is sometimes humanly possible.

He breaks my heart into a million pieces. In a good way. I absolutely want the best for him at all times, regardless of the sacrifice it requires of me. In fact, it makes the sacrifice an act of love, not an act of obligation.

I do, on a teeny, tiny scale, understand a little bit more of the Father's love for me.

Smooth Speech and Sun-Kissed

2010-04-30T06:45:00.003-06:00

(I originally published this over a year ago, but it's a lesson that can be learned again. For me at least.)

A couple of days ago the Lord really opened my eyes and showed me how different I often view and judge people and circumstances from Him. He brought the story of Moses to mind and I couldn't help but relate with Moses on several different levels. Many of you are familiar with Moses' incredible successes, but his beginnings are sometimes overlooked. I don't want to start at the very beginning, but at the part where God tells Moses that He's chosen him to go before Pharaoh to demand for the release of His people. It picks up in Exodus 3. Stick with me here.

The Lord tells Moses that He is sending Him to Pharaoh to bring His people out of Egypt. Moses responds, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt" (vs. 11)? The Lord responds, "Certainly I will be with you" (vs. 12, emphasis mine). They have this sort of exchange a few more times - Moses keeps reminding the Lord that he's totally and completely unqualified and God keeps telling Him, I am with you, I will be with you. In other words, I'm not sending you anywhere that I am not already, and I will do it, you just be my instrument. Moses responds, "What if they will not believe me or listen to what I say? For they may say, 'The Lord has not appeared to you' " (4:1). Okay seriously, stick with me because we're getting to the crux of it.

The Lord went even further to prove to Moses that not only would He be with him, but that Moses would go with His power too. So He tells Moses to throw his staff on the ground, and what happened? It became a snake. And what did Moses do? He fled. He flew like the dickens. We're getting to know Moses' personality a little bit better. He's bleeding insecurity and unbelief, and even in face of God's power, he tucks tail and runs. He's an anxiety attack waiting for a good place to happen.

But here is where the story really struck me just a couple days ago. I tend to judge people by their outer charisma. Sure, I definitely consider their heart for the Lord, but ultimately I deem them worthy or not of notable Christian service by whether or not they could win a Mr/Miss Congeniality contest. Work with youth? Umm, I'm not quite sure that you're bubbly enough. Get the picture? Yeah, it's sick.

But this is exactly what Moses did too. Look a little bit later in the story. The Lord continues to perform miraculous signs to Moses, just Him and Moses. And you know what Moses says, "Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue" (4:10). The Lord responds, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes him mute or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord" (vs. 11)?

In other words, Moses was reminding God that he was the least qualified, that there had to be somebody better for the job that could at least compose a sentence without it dripping with insecurity and doubt. Maybe Aaron, Moses' brother? Surely he has smooth speech (vs. 14) and I know he's at least 6', and he's got that sun-kissed look, with wavy hair and commanding eyes, and I know he gets his teeth whitened, and he always has the best joke, and he's the best public speaker I've ever heard. I mean, women swoon and men punch his shoulder and crowd around him.

Okay, I'm exaggerating, but get the picture? Moses was trying to tell God that what He was really looking for was the most qualified, but God was looking for somebody who would be obedient and who would ultimately reflect all the glory back to Him. Because, let's face it, anybody who knew Moses before and saw what he did after was thinking, God, I know you did that, because I knew that guy and there ain't no way he could've done that by hisself.

We should be about whom God calls, not about our stringent guidelines for who makes the cut.

Remember that story in Judges 7 when the Lord reduces Gideon's army from 32,000 to 300? Why did He do that? "The Lord said to Gideon, 'The people who are with you are too many for Me to give Midian into your hands, for Israel would become boastful, saying, 'My own power has delivered me.' ' " (7:2, emphasis mine) I believe that we see all throughout Scripture that God chooses the least and the worst and the most unqualified so that everyone would know that His power and His might did it, not ours. And that's true today. We don't need the most charismatic Mr. Personality leader you've ever seen in your life. We need who God calls. Whether he be timid like Moses or bold like Aaron, as long as God has called him. Or her.

Under Construction

2010-04-28T15:44:00.002-06:00

I'm looking to revamp my blog, make it a little more classy.

Not sure if the ice cream cone and muffin are pulling that off.

Anywho.

Bear (bare?) with me. No wait, don't "bare' with me. I know it's 2010. But still.

Insecure

2010-04-26T13:10:00.005-06:00

It has been WAY too long since I've posted. And I'm not really sure why, because I've had lots of things to say. I think I've just been lazy about making myself sit down and write.

I'm reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. In fact, I'm about to start a book study of it at our church. It's been super eye-opening to read.

I'm not an insecure person by nature, but I do have insecure moments.

An example that I was thinking about this morning is being a mom.

The first six weeks of Micah's life were the hardest I've ever experienced. And the first two were even harder. I literally thought at times that I couldn't do it. I was completely sleep deprived and I felt like I didn't know what I was doing. I was in a 6,000 foot pool and my floaties had deflated.

When my mom left after his first week, I was devastated. I felt like the one person who knew what they were doing had left!

Everything that I had heard from moms was running like a mantra through my head - "The moment I saw him, my heart exploded with love... Motherhood comes absolutely naturally... I never felt a tinge of depression or the postpartum blues... You get used to the lack of sleep... It gets easier... They're totally worth it... You won't be able to imagine life without them..."

But (and this is where insecurity took a foothold), all of those things weren't true for me! But I was so afraid that if I told somebody they would think I was a horrible mother! I was insecure in my new role and didn't want someone else to validate it.

My heart didn't explode with love the moment I saw him (although it since has millions of times). Motherhood didn't come completely naturally. I experienced intense postpartum baby blues, to the point where I thought I was going crazy. I was NOT getting used to the lack of sleep; the first two weeks it didn't feel like it ws getting any easier (although it's exponentially easier now). To be brutally honest, I was so numb from the lack of sleep and emotionally crazed (or so it felt like) from the blues, that I very easily could remember life before him, and even missed it. Now, I can't imagine life without him; I miss him when I haven't seen him in 45 minutes.

But my love and affection for him had to grow, it didn't happen the moment he entered the world. But I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone about these things. I felt alone, and like everyone else had it together except for me.

Every night I pressed myself as close to Matt as I could, as if physically, he could symbolically take my burdens, and I cried.

Finally, on day 15 of my baby boy's life, I had lunch with a friend and she shared with me how hard the blues were for her and how it took several weeks to feel a connection to her son, and it was as if somebody had given me life-giving oxygen! I wasn't alone!

And literally, the next morning, the physical cloud and weight that I had carried around for two weeks had lifted. Completely lifted, and to this day I have not felt those burdened feelings.

We often hear the verse quoted, "The effective prayer of a righteous man avails much." But that's just the second part of the verse. The first part says, "Confess your sins to one another and pray for each other, that you may be healed." James 5:16

What I was experiencing wasn't sin, but I did need to stop shouldering it alone and let somebody in, because there's healing in community and transparency.

Beth Moore made the point in this book that we often have an immediate image of the insecure person: they're mousy, timid, weak, and fragile. But she said that that's just one spectrum of insecurity. Insecurity often shows itself by overcompensation. The perfectionist that seems to have it all together at all times and never has a moment of weakness actually is working extremely hard to project that image, because she's not secure enough to simply be herself, in all of her strengths and weaknesses.

There's a clear difference between the gentle, humble and quietly confident woman and the overbearing, proud, always-has-to-make-a-point-of-her-strengths woman. And we know it. And the one that we're drawn to is the former. And that's the one I want to be.

10 Unknown Facts

2010-03-24T10:48:00.002-06:00

I got this idea from Living Proof's blog, and seeing as I need to catch up somewhere, I thought I'd post it until I collect my thoughts to get posting regularly again...

10 Things You Probably Don't Know Unless You Know Me Really Well

1. I crave dirt. I have come thisclose to sticking a handful into my mouth.

2. I am an obsessive reader. I can't be sitting still and not be reading. This is probably why long waits in airports don't bother me -I have all the time in the world to read.

3. Thinking of living the American Dream makes me sick.

4. I am a symetrical person - everything has to be even. If I get one hand wet under the sink, I have to get the other one wet too.

5. The biggest turn off to me in people is pridefulness.
(Not saying that I'm never proud. Yeah right, let's talk about besetting sins...)

6. Micah makes life a million times better. When I think of the future, it's better because he's in it.

7. One of the happiest thoughts I can have is - Steaming hot coffee. And a pastry.

8. I love airports. Just the thought of them makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

9. I'm a lifelong nail biter, and I can't see that ever stopping.

10. My idea of an ideal life - foreign country, international ministry, bilingual children, small house, working alongside my husband all day.

Birth Story Part 2

2010-02-19T12:56:00.020-07:00

Okay, where was I...

Oh yes. Pain. Whole new meaning. People. Full of crap.

What is this picture? This machine is called a contraction-o-nometer.

Actually, I totally just made that up.

It does, however, measure the timing and intensity of my contractions. The bottom portion does. See the very end of the graph there? Let me just back up a second to say that in one of the books I read the author made the statement, "Because of the break between contractions, you spend more time pain-free than in pain." Yeah, she's full of crap too.

That was the constant refrain running through my mind - "More time pain-free. More time pain-free. More time pain-free."

That picture is proof that I was not spending more time pain-free than in pain. See the mountain peaks at the end? Three in a row? See how they're good friends with each other? All cozied up next to one another? That translates to no break in pain. And see how they're very tall? That translates to pain. And lots of it.

Okay, so back to my story. I believe we left off at 8 centimeters.

At this point, I had lost my normal mental faculties. I was in survival mode. And all I could think about was how weak and tired I was (no food for nearly 10 hours, an incredible loss of blood), and how if the nurse pressed the fetal monitor into me one more time during a contraction, I was going to break her wrists.

Because of the placental abruption, the baby had to be constantly monitored because things can go really badly very fast. This meant that during contractions the nurse had to press the monitor into my stomach, which was making a difficult situation a million times worse.

I couldn't imagine going the last 2 centimeters and then pushing as well. I was done in. I raised my white flag of surrender. I wanted pain meds. And quick.

I had no concept of time at this point, but I believe it was sometime after 10pm when I received my blessing.

(AKA: my epidural.)

Life took a very different turn after that. I absolutely and completely enjoyed every moment of the rest of my labor. I would even say it was downright fun. We laughed and joked about the words that came out of my mouth during the worst of it (more on that later), I rested, we turned the lights down and played our Christian music, I ate a little bit (once I was finally given permission to).

It was just purely enjoyable. I was surrounded by people who loved me and were doing everything they could to support me: my husband, my mom, and my dear friend, Gloria. I felt very at peace. I also felt very afraid. I couldn't believe after all this time, I was going to finally meet my son. In fact, I didn't feel ready. But there was no turning back and I knew I would never feel fully ready. Plus, the thought of being pregnant one more day was enough to send me screaming into the hills.

I may have been dilated to more than 8 at the time of the epidural because shortly after I received it the nurse checked me (she finally could without fears of me breaking her wrist) and I was fully dilated. Just before I received it, I was sitting up to be prepped for it, and I felt my body transitioning. I began to shake and made the statement, "I have to push!" In fact I pushed with everything in me, it was an uncontrollable urge. I couldn't have not pushed if I'd wanted to. Which is why I kept asking, "Where is he? Where is he?" I knew that if I went much longer I would be too far gone to receive any pain meds.

I pushed for approximately two hours. Even with the epidural I strongly felt the urge to push. Towards the end I was getting extremely tired, and all I could think about was it being over and him being here. At 1:19am, I pushed and pushed and on the last push I thought, "I'm not doing this one more time, this is it!" And he came out all at once in one push. With his hand up by his head. All 8 pounds and 3 ounces of him.

The doctor immediately put him up on my chest, and I immediately began to cry. I didn't even look at him, I just held him to my chest and cried. I couldn't believe it. I had actually done it. He was really here. And he was mine. Ours.

The nurses let me hold him for as long as I wanted. I finally was curious to know how much he weighed, and that's when they took him, weighed him, cleaned him up, and gave him right back.

Side note: I could not have asked for a more fantastic experience at the hospital. Every single person I encountered, from the doctor to the janitor, was unbelievably kind and sensitive and made sure they respected my wishes.

The next hour was a blur as well. Everyone held him, Matt stayed close and kissed my head.

(I have tried for a ridiculously long time now to upload the picture that was snapped of Matt kissing my head, but Blogger is being dumb and I officially cannot. Sorry.)

So after a couple hours of loving on our son and rejoicing in his arrival, I was about to die of exhaustion. It was now probably about 4 in the morning. So they took him to get his first bath and I stood up to go to the bathroom , with some help. And almost immediately passed out. I don't remember this, but Matt says I turned pale white, my eyes became glazed over, and I just passed out. I woke up to alcohol under my nose and the next several hours are a blur. This same thing happened a couple hours later. It was probably a combination of loss of blood, lack of food, and utter exhaustion.

We spend the next couple of days in the hospital and left to begin life with our new baby boy. So that concludes my birth story. Except I must, for the sake of some humor, include some quotes of things that I may or may not have said during the heat of the contractions...

"Stop touching me."

"Stop opening and closing the curtain."

"SHHH!!!"

"What is all of this CRAP on me?!"

"I think I'm going to die."

"I want the rapture to happen."

Nurse: Can I check you now?
Me: No. No, no, no, no, no.

Nurse: Sara, I'm sorry, but I have to press the fetal monitor into you, I haven't heard the baby's heartbeat in three minutes.
Me: No. He's fine.

(What kind of mother am I???)

Anesthesiologist: Do you have any history of...
Me: No. Nope, no, no, no, no.

There may be more, but the witnesses will have to tell those stories.

Baby Micah, we love you with all our hearts. You were worth every second and then some!

Birth Story Part 1

2010-02-17T16:58:00.014-07:00

Wow, I have been away for a long time. But this sweet face is the reason why.

Micah Justice was born February 1st, 2010 at 1:19 in the morning. He weighed 8lbs., 3oz. and was 21 inches long.

Over time, and who knews in how many parts, I will tell my birth story. Hopefully fewer parts, but life with a newborn is a new kind of normal for me.

I had read a ton about birth and preparing as best as you can for birth, and had a pretty good idea of the type of birth setting I would like. As natural an environment as possible. I didn't want to feel like I was in a hospital having a medical procedure done. I wanted to be as free as possible to do what comes naturally for the healthily birthing woman.

At 3:30am on January 31st (his due date), I went to the bathroom for the umpteenth time and for some reason thought I should turn on the light (which I never do when using the restroom in the middle of the night for the umpteenth time) and make sure I didn't see any spotting. Just in case since it was officially my due date. Stinkin' lo and behold there was spotting. I was officially losing my dang mucus plug. Thank You, Lord, it was finally beginning.

I woke Matt up to tell him and to reread information about prelabor signs and the mucus plug, but was quite devastated to see that labor could still be days off, that celebration may not be as near as I thought. At that point Matt tried to listen to the baby's heartbeat with a stethoscope but was unable to find it. So at 4:30 in the morning he got dressed, went to work, borrowed the Doppler, came home and immediately found our baby's heartbeat. I love that man.

At that point I was experiencing mild period-like cramps, nothing major and nothing regular. So we went back to sleep. Or at least I tried to. The next morning I let Matt and my mom sleep as long as possible, since I just had this feeling that today was THE day, and I wanted them to be as rested as possible. At around 11am we all started to stir, Matt made us breakfast, and I simply laid around on the couch watching HGTV, trying to time my contractions, which were becoming a little more regular at that point. I was feeling pretty moody and starting to get uncomfortable. My sweet mother constantly reassured me that she was there if I needed anything but that she didn't want to bother me. I didn't know what I needed at that point, except some answers.

WAS today the day? WAS this real labor? Was I making things up? Was I even pregnant???

At around 1pm, I decided that I needed to get out and walk to at least help the process if I truly were pregnant and this truly was labor. So we decided to drive up to our local ski area, since we'd heard the night before that significant elevation changes can expedite labor as well. So we bundled up, and drove our Jetta in snowy weather on snowy roads with no snow tires to our local ski area. Or I should say we tried to drive our Jetta in snowy weather on snowy roads with no snow tires to our local ski area. We got about halfway up and promptly got stuck on ice and snow. Three other vehicles, in their attempt to help us, also got promptly stuck.

Meanwhile, I was now having regular contractions. Halfway up to our ski area, in the snow and ice, with a vehicle that's stuck and now friends with the three other stuck vehicles, and at least a half hour's drive away from our hospital. We did eventually get unstuck, much to Matt's near anxiety-attack-ridden relief.

We drove back into town, and decided that we should get some lunch. Let me back up to say that I had talked to my midwife early that morning and explained to her the symptoms I was experiencing. I had continued to "spot" except for at that time the spotting was becoming quite regular and more period-like. That was a concern to her, but she said as long as I was not soaking pads, I should be ok.

Back to our lunch. I had officially entered the soaking pads category. And I was still having regular contractions. We decided that we'd better head to the hospital to at least have it checked out, if not more for our peace of mind. We stopped back by our house, picked up my suitcase (just in case this was the real thing) and our box of supplies and headed off to the hospital.

As soon as I checked in the nurse checked me and was immediately concerned at the amount of blood I was losing. She said it was definitely not normal. She also informed me that I was dilated 4 centimeters and 100% effaced (thank You, Lord!). She said I would definitely be staying and called in the doctor immediately to examine me and figure out the cause for the loss of blood. After an examination, he said that it definitely appeared to be a placental abruption and with that my plans for laboring as naturally as possible were shot to the ground. Rather than intermittent fetal monitoring, I was to have continuous monitoring AND have an IV due to my severely increased risk for an emergency caesarean and potential need for a blood transfusion AND was not going to be allowed food.

ALL giant bummers. My desire for intermittent monitoring and food were so that I could have the freedom and energy to move about while in labor, and to utilize the tub as well. Which I was still able to do after all. Utilize the tub that is.

Within a very short time of arriving at the hospital, around 4pm, I had transitioned into active labor. The contractions began to get very uncomfortable. Very. But not unbearable. I stayed walking about, trying to move as much as possible. I was holding off getting into the tub until I was at least dilated 5-6 centimeters. I had read that getting in sooner could slow down the process. Once I was dilated to 6, I was definitely needing the tub. We had transitioned from uncomfortable contractions to very painful, though still not unbearable.

While in the tub, the contractions began to become excruciating. Within an hour in the tub I had dilated from a 6 to an 8. Pain had taken on a whole new meaning.

And for all those people that say that fill-in-the-blank is worse than the pain of childbirth, they're full of crap.

Part 2 to come soon.

Reminiscing

2010-01-26T12:09:00.003-07:00

I have little notes and pictures and quotes stuffed throughout my Bible and often they fall out, and I get to look at them again and be reminded of why I keep them there. One in particular caught my eye this morning.

Matt moved into the condo we were gonna live in after we were married about a month before we got married. Since I lived in a house with 6 girls and one bathroom, I often went over there while he was at work to escape and have peace.

One night in particular I walked up the stairs and found this note on the dining room table:

"If you come for something to eat, just know I love you with all my heart, my beautiful soon to-be wife,
Love Matt"

Just like that. Written in his distinct handwriting on a page that was torn out of some journal I'm sure. Direct and simple and full of meaning, just like my Mateo.

I loved finding that note this morning and just remembering back to us and the beginning of our journey. We could never in a million years have guessed then that three years later we'd be living in Montana, about to have a baby boy, and still dreaming strong.

Oh how I love doing life with Matt. Seriously, I can't express it more deeply. I wouldn't want to do life with anyone else.

We have an entire date day tomorrow, and both of us wonder if it'll be our last one just the two of us. That's a crazy thought. Lord, may it be blessed and full and infused with Your presence.

38 Weeks and Almost 2 Days

2010-01-21T20:26:00.002-07:00

I am definitely full-term pregnant, I feel it in my body. My ligaments feel like gumby. My lower back HURTS. I have cankles and snausage toes. I'm unsteady on my feet. All I can think about is where's the nearest comfy chair. I have gall stones, and spent a night last week in Labor and Delivery so they could treat it. Not fun at all.

BUT.

I'm surprisingly not totally miserable. For some reason I just find it necessary to highlight all of the negative. Although I do have to mention one more change. My hormones are definitely out of control. I am ridiculously irritable and easily angered.

Matt's been so fantastic though. He's been just awesome during this whole process.

But I still don't feel ready to deliver, I feel like he needs a couple more weeks in my belly. I want his little lungs to be fully developed and I want him to have the fullest chance at being totally and completely developed. I do have to admit though, I have looked up natural induction methods. And you better believe that at 40 weeks on the nose we're putting those into place.

Oh, I'm tired. So tired. That's all I have the energy for, folks.

Word Power

2010-01-13T20:23:00.003-07:00

I was reminded of something very important last week.

Matt and I had lunch with a dear friend of ours here in Missoula. An older gentleman with lots of wisdom always readily available.

Well, first let me back up.

There is this person Matt and I know here (a different person than the one I was just talking about) and there is just something different about his personality, we just don't get him. We don't know him well at all. In fact every time I see him I have to say his name in my head first to make sure I say the right one out loud. But he's just a different personality and we haven't always gotten him.

Anyways, back to our lunch with our wise friend... In passing, our friend mentioned what an incredible guy this man is. He told us of a ton of behind the scenes things that this man has consistently done, and the incredible amount of time and talent and personal possessions that this guy has given in secret and has never asked for anything in return. He mentioned what a support and encouragement he's been to him. Just really great things.

I didn't even talk about it with Matt but I was quite shocked at how instantly my view changed of this person. I immediately had high respect and regard for him. Simply because a brother of his chose to honor him with his words. And the next time I saw him, I was genuinely pleased to see him.

Isn't that amazing?

I have also experienced the exact opposite. I've heard someone mention something negative about someone else, and try as I might, it's extremely difficult to erase the negative image that becomes attached to that person.

It was a gentle reminder that I need to be very, very careful about the words that I speak about others. I want to be somebody that honors others and creates value for them in the minds of others. I don't want to be a negative-image-creator; there's enough of those as it is.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue..."

-Proverbs 18:21a-

Pregnancy Update

2010-01-08T11:43:00.002-07:00

I am 36 weeks and 2 days pregnant. Baby Micah is a moving, rolling, kicking fiend. Today particularly, I have siezed up in pain several times as he gets some good bladder shots in. I've been taking liquid iron (shout-out to Elizabeth) and I feel a million times better. I wish I'd started taking it sooner, I don't think I would have complained so much.

My Missoula baby shower is tomorrow, and I'm very excited. I'm also very nervous because I don't like being the center of attention, especially when I feel like I can't adequately express my appreciation and gratefulness to everyone.

My parents have been here for the week and it's been great. We've gotten to hang out a lot and it's really made the week fly by. I'm also so glad that they will get to be at the shower tomorrow. Matt will be there too. I asked him to be there for moral support. :)

Let's see, what other major updates about this pregnancy...

Not too much to report. There's a full moon January 30th (I think), and I've heard that more babies are born then, so I have this inkling that that may be the date, or around there. Very scientific, I know. We've all taken bets (except we didn't actually collect) on when he will be born and how much he will weigh. Kyla has my least support as she predicted I will be two weeks overdue. Kyla, I would like to rebuke you in the name of Jesus.

I have a prenatal massage today and I cannot wait. I think I'm more excited for the belly cutout that enables your body to forget it's carrying all that weight for an hour. I got to have one last week too (thanks Jami!). I've been very blessed.

Well, I'll wrap it up. I think I'm just rambling now. I know I've said this before, but I promise I'll post updated prego pics soon...

Parental Judgmentalism

2009-12-31T12:29:00.004-07:00

I am 35 weeks and 1 day pregnant today. Can I get a "woot-woot"?!

My little Peanut is quite intent on digging his foot into my right upper rib. It's payback for all the years of digging my feet into my loved ones. Lifelong habit, unbreakable. Sorry.

He's approximately 20 inches and about 5 1/2 pounds. Everything in this pregnancy has progressed very well and very healthily, for which we are very, very thankful. I have low iron, but that was no surprise as I have not taken pre-natals (make me sick) or an iron supplement, so now I'm under strict orders that I cannot not take them.

I've complained quite a bit during this pregnancy about how uncomfortable it's been, but really I'm gonna miss it. I'm gonna miss having him with me at all times, knowing he's safely tucked in and warm, and near his mama. I also got a reality check the other day, and turnd my grumbling into thankfulness that I get to be pregnant and experience the wonder if it all. Thank You, Jesus.

Switching gears.

Matt and I celebrated an early Christmas in Portland with his family, and it was oh such a wonderful time. It was exactly what we needed to finish out school and work. Did I mention I'm on maternity leave??? Why was that not my very first sentence?? Yes. I am. And to say that it's been totally glorious and refreshing may be The Understatement of 2009.

Whilst in Portland, at one point Stacy (Matt's sister) and I were talking about pregnancy and childbirth and babies and toddlers and kindergartners and raising children in general. And she made an interesting comment. She said that she thought the childbirth and baby years were the most judgmental of having children. Everyone has an opinion... What?? You didn't have a natural childbirth? *proud, condescending look* You're not following Babywise? You are following Babywise? You fed your child Gerber's? You don't make your own baby food? Your child didn't walk until he was 18 months? Mine walked at 10. You actually immunize your children? What ignorance. You have the nerve not to immunize? And it goes on and on and on...

Constant judgmentalism and comparison. But she said that it's actually as bad, if not worse at times, now that Austen (her oldest) has entered kindergarten. Enter just one of the many volatile issues: the public vs. homeschooling debate amongst Christians. And the cycle continues.

It's sad really. It's sad that it takes place amongst Christians. Guys, seriously. All I can think about are Philippians 2 and Colossians 3 and Romans 12, just to name a few. Let's be doers of the faith and not merely hearers and let's especially be doers amongst those of the household of faith. We're not merely good Christians so we can win some to the faith, and then let our hair down as we bite and devour one another, in the name of "opinion".

Oh Lord, grant me gracious speech and patience and gentleness and humility as I'm only beginning this journey of parenthood.

Better things to come...

2009-12-25T12:42:00.003-07:00

Ok, I really need to update, but I only have a second.

It's Christmas day. I have a lot to write about, but as aforementioned, I only have a second.

So I thought I would leave you with this random Christmas day fact.

I have to put my left shoe on first at all times. If, for any reason, I begin to put my right shoe on first, I must remove said shoe and start over with my left.

Can anyone else relate?

Babymoon

2009-12-07T15:23:00.003-07:00

This weekend Matt and I took a much needed escape. Friday night we decided that we were going to Minneapolis and Mall of America for the weekend. And we did. Left first thing Saturday morning. And no better way to start the trip than flying first class. :)

To say that it was amazing would be an understatement. It was so what we needed. We used points for our hotel so we decided to splurge on a 4-star hotel, and really just spent the weekend relaxing and investing in one another.

We talked and talked and talked. We talked about becoming parents and our fears about it. We talked about what we want to do differently and what we want to do the same. We talked about our future and what we see ourselves doing. We talked about what we don't see ourselves doing. We talked about church and our place there. We talked about where we've become disillusioned. We read from God's Word about giving allowance for others' faults (Col. 3). We prayed for our son, our paths, God's will, our friends, our church. We thanked the Lord for the countless ways He's been so good to us. We talked about nothing and everything.

And we walked approximately 25 miles in the Mall of America.

It was exactly what we needed these last few weeks before our lives change forever. You know, many couples choose to have kids because they're bored with their marriage and are ready for the next new thing. That was never us. I told Matt this weekend that a part of me grieves the end of life as we've known it, because I've loved life as just the two of us. I've never become bored with Matt or our marriage. It's always been an adventure and a safe, sacred place.

But we're not ending good things, we're just seeing an expansion. To be the only two people on earth that are going to love our son as much as we do. To get to do it together. I so look forward to that too.

So. It was a wonderful, unforgettable weekend. I cannot encourage enough to other married couples, take a "something"-moon. Get out of town. Away from the mundane and normal. Do something spontaneous and wonderful. Be crazy. Let your hair down.

Carried to the Table

2009-11-29T11:39:00.009-07:00

This morning we sang a song in our worship service called Carried to the Table. It's originally by a band called Leeland.

I love this band and I especially love this song. But this morning as we sang it, I couldn't help but feel like we were just playing lip service. Actually, I should only speak for myself because I have no idea what was going on in the hearts of the people around me.

The song speaks of our brokenness and lostness. Essentially, through Christ we're carried in our spiritual handicap and seated at a table of royalty and wholeness, a place we would never naturally belong.

But the lyrics that particularly struck me today were these:

Carried to the table
Seated where I don't belong

I was pierced today because it hit me that my problem, and, at times, the church's problem, is that we think we do belong. We think we're seated exactly where we deserve to be, at this table of royalty.

We compare ourselves to others who are more broken, more despicable, more unkempt, more "sinful", more selfish, more ungrateful, less rich, more unworthy, and we think, "Yep, I'm just about right where I should be."

I understand this seems kind of harsh. But it's something I was already thinking about this week. My pastor called last week and asked what I thought of the idea of some of the women in our church making gift baskets of beauty products and a Christian book and delivering them to the lockers of the strippers here in Missoula, to show them that they're loved and not forgotten.

After I got over my initial shock of actually going to a strip club (during it's closed hours), I loved the idea. I announced the idea to our women's Bible study and received a very favorable response. Almost immediately, however, I began to hear feedback of others (not in our women's group) that they did not like the idea and did not think it was the "right" thing to do.

What?? Do we read the same Bible??

Please truly hear these verses.

"Then one of the Pharisees invited Him (Jesus) to eat with him. He entered the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. And a woman in the town who was a sinner found out that Jesus was reclining at the table in the Pharisee's house. She brought an alabaster flask of fragrant oil and stood behind Him, weeping, and began to wash His feet with her tears...
When the Pharisee who had invited Him saw this, he said to himself, 'This man, if He were a prophet, would know who and what kind of woman this is who is touching Him - she's a sinner!'
(*gasp*)
Jesus replied to him, 'Simon, I have something to say to you...'
'A creditor had two debtors. One owed 500 denarii, and the other 50. Since they could not pay it back, he graciously forgave them both. So, which one of them will love him more?'
Simon answered, 'I suppose the one he forgave more.'
'You have judged correctly,' He told him...
Therefore I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven; that's why she loved much. But the one who is forgiven little, loves little.'"

(Full story found in Luke 7; emphasis mine)

We are actually quite deceived if we believe that we have been forgiven little. But the point is this: those whom are quite aware of the depths of sin and brokenness that the Lord has redeemed them from are those whom are often the most loving, the most thankful. Because they understand this simple concept, "But for God's grace...that's where I'd be. Or worse."

May we invite the Lord to open our eyes to our own true depravity, apart from His unspeakable grace, and may we love much.

Love much.

May that resonate within us as we encounter the "least of these" (Matt. 25:40).

Words Fail

2009-11-14T09:50:00.003-07:00

Today is my baby shower at my mom's house. I am so stinking excited! I am also so overwhelmed.

Not in a bad way. In a good way.

I am overwhelmed by how much people have loved me and been so giving in this whole pregnancy process.

And it's so much more humbling because I've seen that they've delighted to give; it's brought them so much pleasure to help clean my house, set up the nursery, buy baby boy oodles of clothes and furniture and accessories and necessities, and just plain be excited with me.

One person in particular that I know I could never repay is my mom. She gives so much of herself for me. Icky me. I told her yesterday that I don't know how to adequately tell her thank you. I asked if she needed a kidney. I'd gladly give her one. Bone marrow transplant. Anything. I'll do it.

Just this morning in my quiet time, I was studying about God's unfailing love, and I just had to stop and mull it over. Truly try to grasp the concept. One of the questions that was asked was, "Why is it so hard for you to accept God's unfailing love for others, but not for yourself?"

My immediate response - Because I know my own sin and wretchedness. I know my own selfishness. I often feel like I do more wrong than right, that I haven't done enough good yet to be worthy of it.

And I never will. The study then went on to say that we do God such an injustice when we try to humanize Him and make Him the best version of ourselves. It doesn't work that way. He is not the best version of humans that we can envision. He is God and He is perfect and His love is complete and perfect and unfailing and lavish and expressive and He delights to give good gifts to His children.

It's just so hard for us to freely accept that. We'd like to know that we at least gave a kidney to earn it a little bit.

So all I can say is thank you, Lord. Thank you for loving me in that way and being so good to me.

Thank you for my mom and her incredible kindness and giving spirit and the million different ways she's blessed me and served as an excellent example for me.

Thank you for my dad and that I know he would gladly, willingly, in-a-seconds-time give his life to save mine. He would sign over his entire life savings and every material possession if he knew it would help me in even the tiniest bit.

Thank you for my husband, who is just beyond description. It never ceases to thrill me to hear his voice on the phone, to have him walk in the door from work, to just live life with him. I love him more than I ever thought possible.

Thank you for my second family, and my sweet, sweet second mother, and how blessed I was to inherit such a wonderful family through marriage. We have been so overwhelmed time and again by her giving-ness and love and care for us.

Thank you for true friends, like Chris and Gloria, and their love and support of us, and that they've been so excited to walk through life with us, and welcome Baby Micah into the world with us.

I could go on and on, and still words seem so inadequate.

Lord, as deeply as you know I can express it - Thank You, and may you be loved and find delight in our love for one another.

Personality Survey

2009-11-08T20:57:00.003-07:00

Holy macaroni, it's been awhile since my last post! I'm gonna need to work on that.

This is one of those personality posts. I enjoy reading others', but I won't be offended if you check out.

Have at it.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
6:22am

2. What was the last book you read?
A book by Randy Singer that I can't remember the name of (a result of skyrocketing/plunging pregnancy hormones).

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
I think it was Bride Wars.

4. What is your favorite TV show?
Probably Dancing with the Stars, or anything on HGTV and TLC.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Somewhere in Latin America. Maybe Argentina?

6. What did you have for breakfast?
Cinnamon Life cereal.

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Mexican, Italian, Chinese.

8. What foods do you dislike?
I'm not a very picky eater. Even if I don't like something, I'll usually eat it anyways.

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
Olive Garden. Oh how I love thee and miss thee.

10. Favorite dressing?
The traditional - ranch.

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Thanks to my awesome mom-in-law, a Honda civic.

12. What are your favorite clothes?
Jeans, sweatshirt, and fuzzy socks.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
TURKEY. For the love, I've been saying it for years, when's it actually gonna happen??

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Definitely 1/2 full.

15. Where would you want to retire?
The thought of retirement makes me want to cry and be depressed.

16. Favorite time of day?
Definitely the morning.

17. Where were you born?
Phoenix, AZ

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Baseball.

19. What's your idea of a perfect day?
Leisurely quiet time in the morning, breakfast with my husband, meeting up with friends, playing a board game in which I win, lighting a fire, and having multiple delicious, home-cooked meals interspersed throughout.

20. What's your favorite quality about your husband?
I have a ton, but the one that I admire all the time is his genuine kindness and care for people.

21. What's the most unattractive character trait(s) that you can think of?
Arrogance, cynicism, hard-heartedness, tactlessness.

22. Bird watcher?
Wow, shoot me now.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Definitely a morning person. I'm exhausted by 9pm.

24. Do you have pets?
A very beloved cat named Cyrus that we've just discovered is of the breed, Ragdoll.

25. Any news you'd like to share?
My maternity leave got approved for December 20th, which means I don't have to work the holiday season at the airport, thank You, Jesus!

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
A zoologist.

27. What is your best childhood memory?
Probably playing outside until it got dark, always exploring something.

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
More of a cat person, dogs are too high maintenance.

29. Are you married?
Oh yes, to the most wonderful man on earth.

30. Always wear your seat belt?
ALWAYS. It's stupid not to.

31. Been in a car accident?
Yes, nothing serious.

32. Any pet peeves?
Arrogant people.

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
Ham, green chile, mushrooms, and black olives.

34. Favorite Flower?
Probably roses. I'm not a huge flower person. It's more the thought that counts.

35. Favorite ice cream?
Oreo or mint chocolate chip.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
Taco del Sol.

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Zero.

38. From whom did you get your last email?
Helen Ward, an update on her daughter's broken leg.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Probably IKEA.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Had a bowl of cereal.

41. Like your job?
Nope, not really right now.

42. Broccoli?
Oh yes, broccoli and I love each other very much.

43. What was your favorite vacation?
Wow, I've had a lot of favorite vacations. Honeymoon in Cancun, Peru, Costa Rica, New England in the fall.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
My hubby.

45. What are you listening to right now?
Silence.

46. What is your favorite color?
I don't have one favorite color.

47. How many tattoos do you have?
One.

Ok, that was a lot of questions, and 5,000 brownie points if you finished it!

Thankful Thursday (except it's Friday)

2009-10-23T18:02:00.003-06:00

Today I'm thankful for...

...the wonderful visit I had with a new friend tonight.

...that I'm finally getting the details of my maternity leave worked out, and that I may get to start it December 20th (oh please, please, please, please, please!!!).

...that our sink is finally fixed and working and I don't have to get water out of the bathroom sink anymore (doesn't that just seem gross for some reason?).

...that my kitty is very forgiving, after I yelled at him and spanked him for scratching our brand new crib by trying to jump into it (I could kill him all over again just thinking about it...).

...for my new non-stick skillet, perfect for making omelets.

...for the pumpkin carving contest tomorrow at Chris and Gloria's, and the chance to hang out with tons of people!

...for fall.

...for the upcoming holiday season.

...for the Lord and how gracious and kind and forgiving and loving He is.

...for my husband. I'm so proud of him and how well he's doing in school. He's doing a great job balancing marriage, life, school, and work.

Hope you have a great weekend ahead of you!

Failure

2009-10-17T11:24:00.004-06:00

Can anybody relate to having negative patience levels whilst with child?

I came across this verse a couple nights ago "accidentally." Actually, I'm pretty sure the Lord wanted me to bury my head very, very deeply in it.

"The Lord's bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged..." - 2nd Tim. 2:24.

Hey, let's talk about the antonyms of those words, as clearly expressed in my workplace. By me.

*sigh*

I am not a failure, in terms of identity. But I have failed quite a bit lately.

Oh, thank the Lord for His mercy. But I also do not take lightly His discipline.

On a more encouraging note, Matt and I will be registering at Target today for our little Peanut. That'll be fun. Anything to do with Matt is fun. And anything to do with our new baby boy is exciting.

You know, when I first got pregnant, we were absolutely, 100% convinced that we were having a girl. As was everyone else. And I wanted a girl. To be honest, I didn't want a boy. I just really felt like I was connecting with the baby as a girl, and a boy felt so wrong.

About two days before our discovery ultrasound, I had a total shift of mind, and I told Matt concretely, "We're having a boy. I just know it." We even bet on it because Matt was still convinced he was a girl.

(I won a very mediocre foot massage.)

I don't know what changed, but two days later, approximately 5 seconds into the ultrasound, hello, we were clearly having a boy.

And now? I couldn't imagine having anyone else except exactly this little boy. I love him so much and I wouldn't want anyone different. To think of him being a girl makes me so incredibly sad because he's not. And I only want what he is. I'm in love with him and only him. Make sense?

Okay, my husband's amazing. He called just now and said, "Hey, the weather's so nice right now, do you want to go garage-saling when I come home?" He speaks my love language. I just love him.

I confess, I'm judgmental

2009-10-09T16:35:00.002-06:00

So today after work, I stopped at Wal-Mart (may the Lord cause His face to shine upon me) to pick up a few things in preparation for my Olive Garden-themed dinner party tomorrow night.

(Side note: I did not actually get anything that I had on my list for the party, but I still managed to spend $40.14. How does that happen??)

Anyway, as I was about finished shopping, I looked down into my cart and thought to myself how not full of great and/or healthy stuff it was. Frozen pizza. Ramen noodles (yum). Frozen ravioli (I put that one back). Cheap chicken. It just struck me that for some reason this shopping trip was not yielding my normally health-conscious choices. And I use the word "health" rather loosely. A more expensive brand of ice cream falls under that category. I've never had a good grasp on that sort of thing. I was shocked to learn, as an adult, that ice cream is actually not very good for you. Literally. I was.

So. As I was checking out, I was scoping out the man's stuff behind me that he was purchasing. About a million boxes of frozen Totino pizza. Another million boxes of every conceivable type of frozen meals you can imagine. Beer.White bread. Seriously, who buys white bread? And my first thought was that I felt sorry for him, he was probably single and needed something easy for dinner every night. But my next stronger thought was, "Ugh. Doesn't he know how bad all that stuff is for him? White bread? He could at least get the higher quality frozen foods (that's what I do)."

Well, it struck me with quite a bit of irony that I had just literally been thinking about my poor food choices. Who was I? What was I thinking? My standards are so loose when it comes to my choices, but boy, oh boy, do I have strict standards when it comes to other people's choices. Kind of like that one story in the Bible when the "righteous" man thanked the Lord that he wasn't like the sinner next to him.

It's a small example, but it did serve to remind me that I'm pitifully blind to my own judgments without the probing of the Holy Spirit. Searching out what's really true at the core of my heart. It ain't always pretty, that's for sure.

I'm Feeling...

2009-10-02T15:38:00.003-06:00

(I got the idea for this post from another blog post, and I feel the need to share that first, because I'm all about credit where credit is due...)

Today I'm feeling...

...Sick to death of canceled and delayed flights, and the nastiness that follows.

...Excited that Matt will be home in 2 1/2 hours, after being out of town for two days.

...Flippin' ticked off at something that I can't share the details about.

...Unsure of whether I want to cook dinner or just go out when Matt gets home. I have everything I need, mostly, for Olive Garden's Zuppa Tuscana soup, but I'm so not feeling like cooking right now.

...Thrilled that I get to feel my baby boy kick everyday.

...So glad that tomorrow's my Friday and I get off at 9am.

...Sad that we're back to the Dreary Days of Missoula. Come back sunshine!!

...Happy that we're back to the Dreary Days of Missoula, because it means we're that much closer to meeting our boy.

...Curious as to why our cat is obsessed with the new glider - he has literally taken up residence in it.

...Confused as to why some people experience such concentrated amounts of grief, and others seem to coast through life mostly unscathed.

...Like I could seriously, seriously use a Pumpkin Spice latte right now.

(Decaf of course).

Tired of Pretending

2009-09-25T15:21:00.003-06:00

Sorry I haven't been writing much. I haven't been feeling very inspired. I also haven't felt much like being transparent or vulnerable. I think I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now.

We have a lot of going on in our lives. A lot of decisions ahead of us. All made more serious by the fact that we will soon be entrusted with the life of a little boy - sweet Milo. (He's kicking up a storm as I write this.)

I could not be happier that I married the man that I did. Yesterday we talked for a long time about the decisions ahead of us, and I just rejoiced inwardly in how godly my husband is, and how much alike we are in our adventurous spirits.

We have two potential paths ahead of us. One is secure, familiar, esteemed, requires little change, and is basically safe. The other could not be more different. It's unfamiliar, unknown, scary, completely different, and requires complete and total trust in the Lord to head into unchartered territory.

We don't know yet concretely what the Lord's direction is, but we have a good idea, and we're both pretty sure it's not the safe route. But both of us desire that. We'd rather error on the side of having to have faith and sacrifice. You know, I'm always hesitant to try and describe what I'm like, and what my dreams are, because I'm afraid people may get the wrong idea. I'm afraid that when I'm describing what I'm like, or the things that scare me or make me sad, they think I'm saying those things are wrong.

Make sense? I'll try to explain.

For me, I have an innate sense of adventure, and desire to go new places and do new things. Traveling in new cultures and visiting different countries is part of what drives me. I love the thought of living life for the Lord, doing His work, in various different countries. I simply can't explain the depth of it. From literally the first day that Matt and I hung out, it was a part of our conversation. And the same is true of Matt (praise the Lord - He knew what He was doing).

When I think of simply buying a house, "settling down", raising our children in a safe and predictable environment, living the Christian American dream, it literally makes me so sad, I want to cry. But here's where I fear people misunderstand me. I'm not saying those things are wrong, and people are less in my mind for doing that or for desiring that. I don't think that all. I'm just saying that it could not be more different from who I am and what I desire.

And for fear of offending people, or misunderstanding me, I simply try to stay quiet, and pretend that all Matt and I want to do is have this baby and finally get what it means to settle down. But for both Matt and I, expecting a baby has only deepened our convictions that the way the Lord has fashioned us, and the desires and dreams He's given us, is to go out and do the adventurous, pioneering thing. And please don't misunderstand me. Not for adventuring and pioneer's sake, but for Him. To invest our lives in eternal work, not our own fleshly benefit.

As much as my dad and I can disagree, this is one area that I know he understands 150% because he's the exact same way. The other day I finally told him some of the things we're thinking, and he could not have been more supportive (not that I expected anything different), and simply said, "I understand completely."

So I don't know. That's where I'm at. Where we're at. Unsure. Tired of being misunderstood, or not understood at all. But tired of pretending too. I am not discontent. I am totally and completely content where we're at, and with what we're doing. But I know it's not the end. And the process is part of the journey.

How to Be Travel Savvy

2009-09-18T15:05:00.003-06:00

I realize on a daily basis how much traveling absolutely terrifies some people, and really y'all, there's no need for it. So I was inspired this past week to write a post that hopefully helps some people as they begin their travel adventures. Not only as somebody who has traveled extensively, within and outside the United States, but as somebody who works for the airlines, I consider travel and air travel something I know a little something about.

To Be a Savvy Traveler:

1. First, RELAX. It's easy to get stressed out in an airport when it feels like there's a lot of demands (confirmation number! driver's license! liquids-under-3-ounces! how many bags?! etc...), but simply relax and take it one step at a time.

2. Arrive at the airport at least an hour before your departure time. I am an airline employee and am not subject to lines and extra screening, and I still show up an hour before. And by hour, I mean that our car is parked and we are at the counter an hour prior (most of the time). You never know what issues may come up (ticketing, long TSA lines, staff shortages, etc.), and it's best to be prepared. (I'd also like to note that in my travels of 19 countries, many of them multiple times, and nearly-monthly travel, I have never missed a flight. Ever.) Play it safe, get there early.

3. Take everything out of the ordinary in stride, and do not use "you" language (i.e. You lost my baggage, you canceled my flight, you made me miss my plane, etc...). Very rarely have I ever flown to Yemen, found your bag, and lost it. Also very rarely have I ever tied you up, locked you in a closet, and made you miss your plane. The same is true for the person standing in front of you. Use respectful language and common sense. If a flight is canceled, the agent in front of you had nothing to do with it. He/she is merely there to help and get you to your final destination as soon as possible.

4. Have back-up plans, and plan your trip a day early if possible, in order to give breathing room for any sorts of issues that may come up, especially during the winter holidays. Not only do you have record amounts of people traveling in every airport in the world, you have the propensity for winter weather to compound any problems.

5. Have entertainment available. Bring movies, games, books, etc. These help pass the time. Related to this, become a people-watcher. You wouldn't believe what this does to pass the time and makes anywhere you are infinitely more interesting.

6. Pack smartly. If you have two 50lb. bags, I sincerely hope you're moving to Venezuela for two years. And if you're not, then I more sincerely hope that they're packed full of shoes for children in Vietnam. You do not need as much as you think. I'm as fallible as you are in this area, but it makes your travels run a lot more smoothly if you are not bogged down with things.

In summary: relax, arrive early, be respectful, plan ahead, have back-up plans, bring entertainment, and pack smartly.

May your next adventure be amazing!

I Can't Think of An Appropriate Title

2009-09-15T12:01:00.003-06:00

We kicked off our Breaking Free study last night. Holy cow. We had about 35 women show up last night, and have about 8 more signed up that couldn't make it. I'm so glad I'm not in this alone, I'd be tempted to be overwhelmed to the point of paralysis.

I'm praying that I see the women as individuals and have a heart and passion for them, and don't get lost in the size of it. I don't want any of the women to feel lost in the crowd either. The small groups are going to be so instrumental in that not happening.

I also don't want any women to come and have it "together." None of us have it together all the time, and authentic community happens when we let our guard down. But I did challeng the women last night to be trustworthy so that each of us feel it's a safe place to come and share.

On a different note, Baby Milo has been kicking more and more. Matt got to feel him for the first time two nights ago. So amazing.

We also had a very successful shopping trip to Portland. Our deal of the weekend/century: a $175 NorthFace fleece sweater for Matt on sale for $37. Amazing.

Milo is now also outfitted with a stroller to match his free carseat (thank you airport mistag), a crib, and a dresser. Plus the cutest outfit to bring him home from the hospital in. I fell in love with it. Oh yeah, also the softest fleece polka-dotty blanket you've ever seen or felt in your entire life. And about a million sweet outfits my mom got him. We're going to have to have approximately 3 outfit changes a day so he can wear them all.

Please be praying for this Breaking Free study. We want to see the Lord do some amazing, reviving things in each of us women, individually and collectively.

To Be At Home

2009-09-09T17:14:00.004-06:00

My mother-in-law got me a magazine subscription for Christmas last year to Real Simple. It mainly talks about food and house and creative ideas and so on and so forth. Very informative and I enjoy it quite a bit when it comes in.

Every month it asks readers a different question and we get to hear back from dozens of people all over the nation. This month the question was, "What does home mean to you?"

The answers were pretty varied; everything from the smell of her mother's perfume to baking pies with mom and grandma.

But it hit me as I read it that I may have a pretty detached view of "home." I don't know if it's because I've moved so much my entire life, or have always had a pretty carefree adventurous mentality, but I didn't feel a single attachment to the traditional concept of "home."

I left to Costa Rica for three and a half months without shedding a single tear. Matt and I will have moved five times in our shortly married life alone. We are not the home attached type.

But I do know what makes me feel like I'm at home. But it would be more aptly described as when I feel the most like I belong.

I feel at home any time that I'm with or near my husband. I can be in a very unfamiliar place, and only have to look at him or touch him, and I immediately feel like I belong.

I feel at home any where that I get time for just the Lord and I.

I feel at home amongst friends that value me, that encourage me and stand behind me. Friends who uplift me, and make it easy to love and be loved.

I feel at home anytime we are with our families, because I know that we are deeply loved and cared for. There's a history there that nobody else has.

I feel at home in Costa Rica and Peru and Romania and Kenya and Fiji because I value their close-knit communities and family emphasis. It's more common to share and fellowship after a meal for hours then to do, do, do.

I feel completely at home when I'm deeply engrossed in a book (which is usually all the time), and have only to read a sentence before I'm carted off to another world.

Home comes in so many different packages, so many different forms, for so many different reasons.

How about you, what makes you feel like you're "home"?

A Long Weekend

2009-09-04T10:22:00.004-06:00

I could not be happier about this weekend. I have 4 days off, and any sort of holiday weekend is always exciting.

I'm just sitting here chilling with House Hunters going on in the background.

The bad thing about loving House Hunters and What Not to Wear so much is that I have neither a house nor the resources available to make myself over like Clinton and Stacy make me feel the need to. Sad.

But really not so sad either. I'm over it.

Next weekend we're going to Portland to hit up some IKEA! I could not be more thrilled. Total girl's weekend. IKEA and outlet mall and a little baby boy to shop for. I sincerely hope that my colleagues feel the need to go crazy shopping for themselves as well, so I don't feel like such a crazy woman at the store.

I have to post pictures of our Peanut sucking his thumb. Too cute.

Okay, I have to get focused so I can actually get our bathroom and house cleaned today, and do the laundry. I want to full enjoy this weekend without any chores to do.

Okay, one more quick thing. Please read this book. It's completely amazing and totally challenged my view of modern-day Christianity and eternity. It's called Rescued and it's by John Bevere and Mark Andrew Olsen. Amazing.

An Update

2009-09-01T15:33:00.003-06:00

An update on my life...

First and very foremost...

We're having a BOY!!!

He will be called Milo Justice.

Because, really? That's just a cool stinkin' name and nobody else has it.

2. He already has the cutest little outfits awaiting him.

3. I made the most delicious BBQ ranch chicken wrap today.

4. We just vacayed in Albuquerque and it was oh-so-refreshing.

5. I am now 100% equally yoked with my husband - I love Pei Wei's as much as him since I've discovered the Honey Chicken and fried rice. (Makes me want to hop right back on a plane and have me some more.)

6. I've been sick with a dang cold that has stubbornly held on for going on a week.

7. I'm researching gyms to membership in. No unnecessary pregnancy weight gain for me, if at all possible.

8. I got a brand-new Bible today. I've had my study one for years, and it's easy to lose the freshness when you're studying the same translation for so long, so I'm mixing it up.

9. It's a beautiful day in Missoula today.

10. I could not be happier that it's September 1st. I love fall.

11. My stomach is on the verge of growling, so I need to heat me up some more BBQ ranch chicken wraps. Yum.

12. I wish I had more earth shattering updates, but that's all there is to it. Except for our sweet baby boy. Sweet Milo.

13. Oh wait. One more. I just found out that Milo means "gentle, beloved." And Justice of course means "just."

Cool, huh?

Too Fiery For My Own Good

2009-08-27T13:53:00.003-06:00

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry that dog years are passing in between posts. It's ridiculous, I know. You have my job to thank for it. The job that sucks every ounce of goodwill and good thought towards people out.

I was telling my mom the other day that if we have a daughter, I hope she gets Matt's personality because I've always just been too fiery for my own good. Work has starkly reminded me of this.

To be quite honest, in the last several years, my personality had mellowed out quite a bit. I have been far less combative, opinionated, and argumentative.

(Do NOT ask my dad if this is true because that is how my dad and I relate - through fire.)

I don't think being fiery is all bad. I've rarely shied away from defending the needy and defenseless. I have a rock solid spine of resolution when it comes to right and wrong and defending justice and I can fight to the death if I have to. But to every good quality, there is the potential for being misused. Like just being opinionated and combative for no good reason. Just because I'm not afraid of a good argument.

I thought I was over all that, until I switched companies three months ago. I have had more face to face confrontation than I would ever like to see again. And the sad thing is, I can't be cowed down. Once my pride kicks in, I will stand my ground if it kills me.

I HATE pride. I'm serious. It has to be the downfall of every person when it's left unchecked. How I have pled with the Lord for a heart transplant.

The other day I was pouring out my soul to Matt, and I said, "I feel like I could scream from the pit of my bone marrow, I'm so frustrated with myself!"

He said many things in response to my tirade (all good, wise things), but the thing he said that brought me to tears because it pierced that very same bone marrow with truth was essentially this, "You know, a lot of times we just have to make a decision of what we're going to do. In Revelation, it says to repent, remember from where you have fallen, and do the things you did at first. It's sometimes a matter of simply stopping what you're doing now and begin doing what you did at first."

I need that tattooed on the inside of my eyelids and on my heart ventricles and on my brain stem and on my carotid artery. Places where I can't escape it.

In all this, the two things the Lord has specifically taught me this summer over and over are 1) His love for me is unconditional and unfailing and lavish (the song that came on just now is Unfailing Love by Chris Tomlin), and 2) He wants me to obey and believe Him.

It's hard to believe Him when you feel like such a failure, isn't it? But this battle is not over yet. And I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, even if I have to pull myself out of the mudhole that I just willingly threw myself headlong into.

Other than work, however, life is fantastic.

My husband is ridiculously wonderful.

Our friendships are great.

Our Peanut is still healthy and growing and becoming fluttery in my belly.

Our families are amazing.

Just work.

Stinks.

A lot.

Lord, help me.

To My Peanut

2009-08-19T18:19:00.005-06:00

To my little Peanut,
You are 16 weeks old today. Womb-age that is. You're growing steadily and surely. Already it's hard to bend over, and I've never seen my rear end take on such a life of its own. You've given me the beginnings of a true baby belly. Definitely recognizable. No more "food" baby belly. (As in I've just eaten a giant Mediterranean meal and I'm sticking it out with all my might.) Your daddy and I talk about you all the time. We already love you so much. We talk about how we want to raise you and what we think you'll look like. He wants you to have my eyes. I want you to have his lips. And nose. And eyes. And hair. And smile. And personality. I pray for you, that as the Lord develops your physical body, He will also create in you a heart for Him. We argue about names, and the only ones we can really agree on for you are Mackenzie, for a girl. Milo, for a boy. I just read that your little ears have started to hear outside noise, and I love the thought that my voice will be the one you hear for 9 straight months, and then the next one you'll hear is your daddy's. It is impossible for us to even mention you without prefacing it with Sweet. Our sweet baby. At times I find myself not wanting to love you so much already, to protect my heart from any sort of pain. But a half second later I'm reminded of how completely impossible that is, that I couldn't not love you if I tried. More than anything, we want you to have a heart for the Lord, a humble heart. A heart that is moved by others. But if anyone breaks that heart, I'll kill 'em. We want to raise you in Costa Rica. Argentina. Paraguay. We want you to speak Spanish as fluently as English. We want you to know life outside of the four walls of the United States. But more than all these things, we want to raise you the way God wants us to raise you.

We love you, our sweet baby.

I've Had It

2009-08-12T16:51:00.004-06:00

You know, I really do try very hard not to complain. Seriously. In general, but especially about my work, because I'm truly thankful I have a job when so many don't. Especially a job with such great perks.

But I've had it up tohere with some behavior.

We can be an explosively rude society, and I think it's out of control. We've just simply lost much of our good manners and politeness. Simple gestures of politeness such as saying thank you are becoming a thing of the past. Why should I say thank you? I'm entitled. You owe me a great experience and great life.

Just a few recent examples...

A man became agitated because I asked to see his driver's license one more time and threw his trash at my feet. And when I said, "Sir, that is not a trash can." He said, "I know," and walked away.

A woman told me that my efforts on her behalf to rebook her weren't good enough and I'd better do better.

A man told me that I would pay for his rental car. When I said no we would not, he said, "Oh yes you will, Delta's messed with the wrong person." (We didn't pay for his rental car.)

I'm sick to death of our society's rudeness. We need a massive reeducation of politeness and manners. Even a simple please and thank you are often a thing of the past.

Let's get it together, folks.

Or take a trip to Haiti for a week and get some perspective.

Marbles and Candy

2009-08-11T21:05:00.004-06:00

I'm sitting here waiting for my banana nut bread to finish cooking so I can go to bed, since I have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn. It sure does smell delicious though.

I am officially (in 3 hours) 15 weeks pregnant. I'm starting to show a tiny bit more. We had our second appointment with the doctor today and everything is still looking great. We got to hear our little Peanut's heartbeat, and it thrilled me like it was the first time. I can't believe how quickly the weeks are passing by.

I have to share a story that Ravi Zacharias shared one time:

A little boy and girl were playing together one afternoon. The boy had brought his marbles, and the girl had brought some candy. The boy had the idea that they should trade each other; he would give her his favorite marble, and she would give him her favorite candy - an even trade.

They each took some time to select their favorite, but just before the exchange, the boy switched his favorite marble for one of his least favorite, thinking to himself that she would never know. They made the switch - she gave him her favorite candy, and he gave her his "favorite" marble.

But later that night, the boy lay awake, unable to sleep. All he could think was, Did she give me less than than her best too?

In other words, we assume others' thoughts and actions toward us, depending on our thoughts and actions towards others. We filter their actions and words through our own internal thoughts and actions. Are we dishonest? We easily assume others are too. Are we passive aggressive, taking opportunities to slight someone else whilst maintaining an air of "fun" and "innocence"? We assume others do the same.

I was reminded of that recently. The details aren't important, but it reminded me of the need to just simply be honest with one another. We can't have true friendship and fellowship with one another if we're hearing and/or seeing them through our own filters. Filters of distrust. Passive aggressiveness. Unforgiveness. Insecurity. Competitiveness. You get the picture.

So much we could avoid by being quick to forgive. Quick to believe the best about the other person. Quick to stand up for one another. Quick to pray for the other. Quick to praise one another in front of other people.

Friendships like that are wonderful and safe. Free of competition and strife and comparison. And that's what we're to be to one another in this great, big, wonderful, even difficult at times, body of Christ.

Be Free

2009-08-07T17:14:00.005-06:00

So.

I was at work today using the bathroom and I had a thought that I've had before but never really realized until today that I'd had it.

You know?

I washed my hands, saw that the paper towel dispenser was out, and proceeded to use the blast-your-hands-dry air drier.

And I thought to myself: I bet the women in here using the toilet right now feel so relieved.

Because when I'm using the toilet, and someone pushes the air drier, I feel so at ease to just let it out.

Noise barrier, if you will.

And so I felt a deep sense of having done a sister well. Let it out, friends. Let it out. Be free.

Thankful Thursday

2009-08-06T18:41:00.004-06:00

First, I just have to say that I am so sorry these posts have been so infrequent. Still working full-time, still have crazy hours, and still growing this sweet baby inside of me. Sometimes I only have enough brain cells left to putter. And minimal brain cells and puttering do not unite for enlightening reading.

But today, however, is Thursday. And we all know by now what a little Thursday means for us...some dang stinkin' thankfulness.

Today, I'm thankful...

...for delicious home-cooked food. I love to welcome Matt home with a clean and delicious smelling home.

...that I finally, finally (FINALLY!) earned enough seniority to bid (and get) weekends off (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, baby). Oh yeah.

...for faithful friends. My friend, Andrea (Dre) and I have been best friends since we were twelve and ugly, and to this day, it doesn't matter how many months pass without speaking, we always pick up where we left off.

...for Matt's surgery next week that will enable him to breathe freely, without any congestion or blockage, for the first time in his entire life.

...for mascara. Where would I be without it?

...for the good rain we got today that cooled everything off and helped with the fires.

...that my husband is so responsible and trustworthy. My heart truly rests in him.

Amen. And amen. Have a good night.

Two Years Yesterday

2009-08-02T21:29:00.004-06:00

I've been camped out for most of today, since my insides wanted to be on my outsides. We did manage to take a good walk and do some driving around. I had to get out of the house, I was experiencing Cooped Up Syndrome.

Yesterday was exactly two years since we moved to Missoula. August 1st. Our first day here. I remember it like it was yesterday. We stayed at the seedy Days Inn downtown the night before. We drove our Budget-with-Jetta-towed-behind caravan to Union Square, our new apartment. Matt went to pick up our amazing friend, Baker McKonly, from the airport, who flew in for the day solely to help us move in (can you believe that??), we moved in, we had lunch at Rocky Mountain Grille, we very, very sadly said goodbye to Baker at the airport, and then we went back to our half-moved in apartment.

We didn't know one single person. Not one. We were 19 hours from the closest people who knew us. The first few days felt very adventurous. We completely moved in our apartment, explored Missoula, and met a friend at a coffee shop who introduced us to some churches in town.

But then the newness wore off. And we were lonely. Matt and I are the epitome of Social, and not to have approximately 15 people to call at any time to hang out with hurt our hearts. But since we are who we are, we threw ourselves into anything that could possibly involve meeting new people. We visited multiple churches, we went to Dinner Out at the Park (and salsa danced in front of about 500 strangers), we approached complete strangers at coffee shops just because they were reading a Christian book (ok, only one person).

And we prayed. We prayed for friends and a church. Finally, nearly four long weeks later, there was a culmination of answered prayer and persistent effort. We visited Christian Life Center and met what would become our closest friends, Chris and Gloria. It started like this: "Hey, good to meet you guys! (from Chris) What are you doing for lunch?"

That's it. Nothing earth shattering. Just a simple invitation to lunch. I remember the exact date. It was August 26th, Matt's birthday. My heart hurt so badly because nobody in our new town except me knew it was my beloved husband's birthday. But the Lord had a gift in mind - friends that would be closer today than we could have ever imagined then.

Maybe a simple lunch invitation is the only thing holding you back from a great friendship. Maybe a little (or even a lot) of prayer and effort and determination to make friends, to find a church, to develop a community.

These two years have flown by and they've been truly great. The Lord has multiplied our family here. It would take me a long time to begin to even name them all. Thank you everyone here for going out of your way to befriend us and include us in your family.

Babylonian Indoctrination

2009-07-28T12:11:00.003-06:00

Can we be transparent here a moment? Or a few moments? Would we agree that we all like to feel good about ourselves, confident in who we are, and especially in what we look like? Confident in what others think of us. Priding ourselves in the "fact" that others admire and esteem us. Maybe even deluding ourselves that others are jealous or envious of us.

I've been doing Beth Moore's study, Daniel, and she's offered quite a challenge to those who will take it; the challenge to examine our mentality and our hearts, to gauge what at times can be their true condition.

She's shown how Babylon was more than a place, it's a mentality and philosophy that prevails to this day. It's a mentality that's summed up in Isaiah 47:8,10 that essentially says, "I am and there is none besides me." We're a force unto ourselves. And as Christians, we have a way of Christianizing, if you will, this mentality. We may think we're above accountability, above correction and instruction. We may feel that because we're a leader in the church or once were, we are no longer subject to such things.

But one thing that we all fall easily prey to, Christian or not, is becoming an image builder. King Nebuchadnezzar may have built a 90-foot golden statue in his image, but we build no smaller egos and images in our present day. Beth says:

"Image building is any way we intentionally make ourselves seem different - and usually more - than we really are. Image building is the attempt to make impressions that are bigger that we are. Image building may begin with what is true but enhances that truth until it is a lie."

She goes on to say:

"We are so thoroughly indoctrinated in image building that I'm not sure we easily recognize the difference between excelling and self-selling."

(That touched a nerve. As in my carotid artery nerve.)

She continues...

"Babylonian thinkers need others to bow in order to feel tall... Do we feel more important when surrounded by those we deem important? Do we feel more important when someone important notices us? Do we like to be seen with those who seem important? Are we name-makers? Or name-droppers? Even the most timid yes to any of these questions nods its head to Babylonian indoctrination."

Let's take it a step further... Not all of us are surrounded by so-called "important" people, but we are surrounded by the human race, which leaves all sorts of room for making up our own parameters of self-importance.

Do we feel more important when we excel at something that someone else doesn't? When our husband does? When our child does? Do we feed off of being served and being the "best of these," rather than serving and being the least of these? And please don't misunderstand, I've asked myself the same questions. In fact, the Lord and I spent quite a bit of time over these sorts of things this morning.

Mark 10:42-45 says:

"Jesus called them together and said, 'You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many."

I mean no condemnation towards anyone. We're all in process towards Christlikeness. The scary part though is that we can be so indoctrinated by the Babylonian philosophy and mentality that we cease to recognize it. May we be servants of all, and may we be the least of these. And may our image be that of Christ, and the Holy Spirit our mirror.

Thankful Thursday

2009-07-23T20:41:00.002-06:00

I'm thankful...

...for this tiny, sweet, kicking baby in me that we already love so much.

...for Chris and his friendship to Matt and I, and that we get to celebrate his birthday tomorrow.

...that we are so loved by our family - we couldn't be more blessed or thankful.

...that I have a 4-day weekend.

...that Matt and I get to steal away on Saturday for some deeply needed one on one time.

...that the Lord went out of His way to demonstrate His kindness and unfailing love towards me this week.

...that He's given us his Holy Spirit to live in us.

...for my 1980s cell phone. (I am actually NOT thankful that it's 1980s-ish, but rather that I have one.)

Hope each of you have a fantastic week and take some time to think about what you're thankful for!

I Wept

2009-07-18T22:15:00.008-06:00

I do not cry very often. And I know when I was younger and more immature, I used to say that braggingly, because for some stupid reason, it was "cool" to be "strong" and so-called emotionless. But I see now that that's totally stupid. But I still don't cry very often. And usually when I do, it's a weeping.

That happened tonight. Even now as I write this, the tears are pouring down.

I've been feeling so bothered in my spirit. Bothered at my sin. Bothered that I let my fears control me. Bothered at my hard-heartedness and coldness. Bothered at my selfishness. Just feeling like an overall failure.

I've had this crazy work schedule; it's been changing constantly. And the reason that bothers me so much is not because I don't like change. Anyone who knows me knows I'm always down for some change and a good challenge. But the most important time of my day for years has been my quiet time. My time with the Lord. Time spent in prayer and reflection and praise and studying the Bible. So it's bothered me because it interrupts that time.

So I've struggled for weeks to get a grip on my ever-changing schedule and keep that time, and more and more days have gone by without it. And I'm not talking legalism here. I'm talking I need that time. I need my time with the Lord. More than I need air to breathe. But the very sad, very scary part is is that when much time goes by without it, we lose that sense of urgency and need and desire to spend in His presence. And that's terrified me as I've seen it creep in and begin to take over.

We become so susceptible to sin and falsehood. I mean falsehood in the sense that I forget what's true about me, and I forget what's true about Him. And I've felt so carnal and condemned. I don't know another way to say it. I've been impatient and rude and uncaring and negative. And I hate it. I despise it in me.

Tonight was the first time in almost two weeks that I've had just me time. And it felt wonderful. I didn't have to speak to one person. I didn't have one obligation. I didn't have one single thing that needed to be done that couldn't wait till tomorrow. Or the next day. Or even the next.

I read. I cooked dinner. I got on the computer. I read some more. I turned on the TV, which I honestly quite rarely do. I'm just not a big TV watcher. (Unless Gloria and I are watching us some HGTV or What Not to Wear...do I hear an amen??) Somewhere in the middle of all that, I went to the bathroom, and there, in an undistracted moment, I just had the strongest sense of the Lord's assurance.

It was so clear and so distinct that I thought for sure I wouldn't forget the exactness of it, but I have. But it was an assurance that He is not mad at me. He does not condemn me. He doesn't want me to be so focused on just seeking Him in the morning, in my "usual" time, that I miss Him all the rest of the day. And I just started crying, and I felt such a freedom, and such a sense of desire. That's exactly what I want. I want to walk closely with Him all day. I want to be near to Him all day. And while that may be elementary, I had forgotten. I got distracted by trying too hard to get it right.

I got back on the computer and my brother-in-law, Jordan, had posted a link to a website called I Am Second, and in it you can hear the story of Brian "Head" Welch, former band member of the hardcore group, Korn. As I listened to Brian's description of the moment he accepted Christ, and the subsequent outpouring of a Father's love that completely filled him and washed over him, I literally began to weep. I was filled with an indescribable awe and thankfulness at this Love that so captivates and encapsulates. The Lord is not nice and sterile and limited. He's limitless and boundless and unashamed in His afffection towards us. Brian said that he had such a sense that he was not condemned, he was loved with a Father's love. He was not condemned. He was loved.

We are loved like that. I am loved like that. It's an explosive and powerful and overarching love that tears down every defense and casts out every fear, and satisfies every single desire to belong and be loved. As we are.

Oh my Father, thank you for that revelation tonight. Thank you for going out of your way to demonstrate it to me yet again. Not only when you gave your Son to die and pay for the penalty of my sin, but now, tonight, when I needed to be reminded desperately. Thank you that you go to great lengths to rescue a people that you love. Again and again and again. Lord, change me. May what I do be out of a love of a daughter for her Father, and not because I'm trying to get it right. I love you, Lord.

Putting the Random in Randomness

2009-07-07T16:23:00.003-06:00

So I had to get a new post up quick, if not to redeem my self-esteem from my previous not-deep one.

I have quite a bit of things running through my head, and I'm not even sure where to begin. I have grief on my mind. I have fun on my mind. I have my new bathing suits (yes, plural...Old Navy was having a sale) on my mind. I have cleaning on my mind. I have cooking on my mind. I have loss on my mind. I have my baby on my mind.

Oh, my baby. Tomorrow I will be ten weeks. It's already gone by so fast. I'm definitely pooching out. Not noticeably to anyone but myself, but I often have to go with my pants button unbuttoned.

I should forewarn you that if you don't hear from me for several days, we're taking a family trip to Whitefish.

Hey, let's talk about the utter randomness of this post.

So far I have done very little to redeem my previous one.

I have deep thoughts running through my head, but I'm gonna need a nap first.

TTYL.

(P.S. I'm sorry, but something about that acronym really, really bothers me. Can we please forever retire that from the English texting language?? I feel dumber now for using it. I do.)

(P.P.S. I am now bringing this to a close because I have totally un-redeemed myself, and now have more redeeming to do.)

(P.P.P.S. How many times can I use the word "redeeming" in one post???)

(P.P.P.P.S. Don't judge me.)

A Good Example of Not Diplomacy

2009-07-03T17:58:00.003-06:00

Today, while sitting at a stoplight, I heard a loud voice say, "Just kill 'em!" I immediately craned my head for a good look towards the voice (through my untinted windows), which was coming from the car to the right and just behind me.

It was a man in a mini-van with what looked like his kid(s). At first I thought the kid was playing a video game and he must be cheering him on (or something).

So I did what all good citizens do. I quickly turned my radio off and stretched my ears for a good listen.

"I say, 'Just kill 'em.' You have people saying (garbly-couldn't-hear-garbly). I say kill 'em. Problem solved."

Wow. Talk about diplomacy.

I'm dying to know who he was talking about. His neighbor who lets his dog poop in his yard? Terrorists?

I'll never know. How sad.

Annnnd...that's all I've got for you today, folks. Nothing profound here. Nothing to see. Keep it moving. Move it along.

Thankful Thursday

2009-07-02T16:40:00.002-06:00

It's back after being on vacation for a few weeks. Both literally and figuratively.

Today I'm thankful...

...for the most amazing $5 Subway sandwich I've ever had, at least in the last two weeks.

...that I have a job. (I cannot yet honestly say for my job, but we're working on it.)

...for my husband, a million times over. I was working a flight today, watching all the passengers as they got off, and I thought of a silly thing that Matt does only for me, and right there in the jetway, I broke out in a smile. Just the thought of him...

...for my mom. She's so stinking thoughtful, and I just love her.

...for my dad. He's always so concerned that we're doing okay, and assuring us that he's always there for us, to help us with anything we may ever need.

...for dishwashers. I don't have one, and I think they're wonderful creations.

...for my most comfortable bed that awaits me.

...for our trip to Whitefish in less than a week!!! I can't wait!!!

...that I am about to have a week and a half off of work (praise the Lord).

...for our pastor, who always preaches truth, no matter how difficult the subject matter.

...for bike rides. I love them with a passion.

...for you. That you choose to stop by. Thank you!

Happy 4th of July weekend!

Wretched, Miserable, Poor, and Blind

2009-06-28T18:02:00.002-06:00

"Because you say, 'I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing,' and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked, I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich... Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent."
~Revelation 3:17-19~

Portions of this verse have been jumping around in my head the last couple of days and today I looked up the verses in context and was quite astonished to see it in its fullness. I was surprised to see that it actually spoke of refining, because it brought my understanding full circle.

But let me back up and provide some context as it relates to my life.

4 weeks ago the company I work for went through a major transition, and involuntarily handed the reigns over to a completely different East-coast based company, Comair. The last 4 weeks have been miserable. We've been understaffed, overworked, and underpaid.

And... Hi, my name is Sara McMoody. I'll be your server tonight. Our specials this evening are Ungratefulness and Lost Perspective.

Oh, how I have wrestled with the Lord the last 4 weeks. And oh, how I have indulged my complaints and negativity and self-pity. I have been wretched at work. I've had face-to-face blow-ups with co-workers, meanness towards passengers, angry outbursts. You name it.

And nearly every morning I've pleaded with the Lord for His love towards these people; for His patience and mercy. Waiting for a lightning moment from Heaven extending the ability to obey, being deceived that until then my actions were out of my control.

I went from a spiritual high to a plunging, breath-taking low. The Esther study wrapped up the week before the company transition. I went from a place of spiritual fruit and true reliance on the Lord, to a place of intense stretching and extreme discomfort; and to put it quite plainly, I have not done very well.

I've been poor, miserable, wretched, and blind. I was in a place of spiritual wealth: ample fellowship, daily prolonged time in Bible study and prayer, spiritual fruit. I transitioned, by default of a new company, to a place of overwork, high stress, isolation, and intense challenge.

I've dreamed incessantly of being someplace different, all the while having the most ungodly attitude. For the last 3 days now, the Lord has been trying to get my attention, and it wasn't until this morning that I actually sat down and gave Him the adequate time and place to speak to me.

I am exactly where He wants me.

It's difficult and hard and I would gladly this cup pass from me, but He's placed me there. Amidst the difficult circumstances and people. Amid being understaffed and overworked and underpaid. Why?

Because there are people there that He loves with an unfathomable love. People that desperately need to be shown the unfailing love and truth of salvation through Jesus Christ.

People who come from every walk of life that need a kind word and a loving deed, without punishment.

Because He's worthy of every small sacrifice.

Because the reknown of His Name and His Glory should be my life's pursuit.

It's in these moments of life, the utter downs, the ones in which we beg for this cup to pass, that we are conformed to His image; we pass from the natural into the supernatural.

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
~1st Peter 1:6-7~

What should our lives result in? The praise and glory and honor of me? Of my name?

No. With as much emphasis as I can utter. To the praise and glory and honor and revelation of Jesus Christ.

If we have settled into a place of self-satisfaction and self-congratulation, we need a wake-up call. We need to remember from where we have fallen, and that we were poor, wretched, miserable, blind, and naked. Until Him.

Until Him.

Not until our pwn piety kicked in. Not until our good works outweighed our bad. Not until others recognized our goodness. Not until others praised us.

Until Him.

Check. Check. And Check.

2009-06-17T19:19:00.002-06:00

Hello my friends. I'm sorry my writing has been so infrequent. Between being 7 weeks pregnant and in the throes of sickness and going back to work full-time, I don't have the time (or energy) that I did before.

But I'm here now, aren't I??

I thought I would do a checklist of pregnancy symptoms that I have thus far already experienced.

...

Nausea. Check.

Constantly. Check.

Food aversions. Check.

Food cravings. Check.

That control me. Check.

Extreme exhaustion. Check.

Irritability and moodiness. Check.

The desire to yell at passengers for no reason at all. Check.

Flatulence. Check. (And check, check, and one more check.)

Weird dreams. Check.

A sudden supernatural sharpening of the sense of smell. Check.

(Wow, once again, my alliteration absolutely astounds me.)

One that I'm too modest to write out because this is public internet domain. Check.

Let's see... does that cover everything? Probably not, but it's all my befuddled mind can think of at the present time.

On a miraculous note, Matt and I got to see our little bitty baby and his/her heartbeat on Monday. We almost started crying, it was so incredible to see. And it made this whole journey that much more real, since there's still no outward physical proof, and at times, I was wondering if I had made this whole thing up.

Except for the nausea, the missed period, the flatulence (let's not forget the flatulence), the aversions, the cravings, etc.

Hope each of you are having a fantastic day, and leave a comment if you're so inclined (which I hope you are...).

My Bravery Astounds Me

2009-06-14T17:28:00.006-06:00

My bravery has reached new levels.

Deeper depths.

Higher heights.

...

I killed two spiders this past week.

Two.

Actually, really only one, because the other was already dead, but I didn't know that when I came upon it. So it counts as two.

For those of you who know me even a tiny smidgeon, this is akin to the building of the Great Wall of China. Years of construction and preparation.

Thank you. Yes, thank you. That's very kind of you, thank you.

Deeper thoughts to come. Please tune back in.

We're a Team

2009-06-08T18:27:00.005-06:00

I was thinking about something yesterday, and I'd thought I'd write about it, since that's usually what I do.

(By the way, for those of you who left comments on the previous post (Mom, Gloria, and Linda), thank you. I literally laughed so hard I cried.)

I was thinking about Matt and I, and our marriage. And about what a team we truly are. And how blessed I am to be married to someone that's such a team player.

We do not have assigned "roles" in our family. Let me clarify that in case you may misunderstand what I'm saying. Matt is the protector and initiator of well-being in our family. Much of the responsibility of our provisions and decisions rest on him.

But he does not lord over me. He is not the boss of me, so to speak. He doesn't wield his leadership like a club and command me to follow him and fall in line. I once heard a marriage expert and counselor say that if Christian men have that attitude, they've completely missed the spirit of humble leadership that Christ has given to the husband in the Bible.

We are a team. We make decisions together. Matt consults with me over every decision, and vice versa. We don't make monumental decisions without the other's consent. Sure, there are things like cars and repairs and maintenance that I'm not good at nor am I remotely interested in it. Matt takes complete care of it, and neither of us feel any need to involve me in that process.

I don't do the cooking and cleaning because I'm the wife. And he doesn't work all day and then come home and demand dinner because he's the husband. We do what we're good at when we can. We both cook. We both clean. We both shop for groceries. When Matt's in school, I do most of the cooking and cleaning because he can't and I can. Does that bother me? Absolutely not. Because we're a team, and teams work together.

We're not split down the middle. You do this half, and I do this half. No, we both contribute fully to the well-being of our marriage and home, which means there may be times when one is picking up the other's slack. We do it unbegrudgingly.

And as we are married for longer and longer, we learn that one or the other is better at certain things and that becomes more our own domain. Such as laundry. I do laundry most of the time, because I'm a good multi-tasker and it's easy to fit it into whatever else I may be doing.

Cooking. I do cook, but Matt enjoys it more and when he's not in school, he does most of it.

Now, that I'm in the beginning months of pregnancy, I find myself exhausted constantly. Matt has multiple times in the last week cooked dinner and cleaned up. I am so thankful for that. I am so thankful that he doesn't lord over me, and demand to be served as the leader of our home.

And that has a reciprocal effect. He doesn't have to demand respect or a trusting attitude from me, as he leads us into oftentimes unfamiliar territory. He has it completely. I've seen day in and day out that he is trustworthy and humble, willing to serve and sacrifice, diligent and respectable. So when the unknown comes, and the responsibility rests on him to make a final decision, I trust and follow what he decides.

Not that we're perfect in this process. And not to say there haven't been times when my stubborn independence hasn't creeped in wanting my way. But he makes it easier to submit and trust him.

We can't decide what we will or won't do because of "roles." If so, we've completely missed the spirit of humility that is written all throughout Scripture. We've gotta be a team in our marriages, or we may be fostering a perfect environment for resentment. Christ came not to be served, but to serve, and He's told us to be like Him. This starts in our marriages.

Let's Talk About a Few Things

2009-06-04T18:25:00.004-06:00

I'd like to talk today about a few things that bother me...

...Rush hour traffic.

...Passengers who think they know more than I do about the airline world.

...Passengers who think that kiosk check-in is a cruel form of punishment reserved for only the most evil, rather than an actually very efficient tool.

...Passengers who...(ok, I'm over them).

...Useless confrontation. (Especially when I get sucked into it, and end up feeling like an idiot afterward that I even went there.)

I'm drawing a blank. Good. I'd hate to think that I'm a particularly prickly person.

That is some amazing alliteration.

Now for some things that I enjoy (and am thankful for, because I just remembered it's Thankful Thursday!)...

...My husband. Most wonderful man ever.

...Being pregnant. Even if it's only me that can tell right now.

...Passengers who believe me. (I promise I did not make up the $15 bag charge just to pocket a few extra dollars every day.)

...Sun-stinkin'-shine.

...PARTIES. I am a people-person in my bone marrow.

What are some things that bother you? How about some things you enjoy? You know, honestly, I'm more interested in the things that bother you. Is that sick?

Come on, all you lurkers! Time to make yourself known!

Pregnancy Hormones and I Need to Break Up

2009-06-02T19:31:00.004-06:00

Pregnancy mood swings are no joke. I'm not sure that getting deeply core-irritated because someone is still talking for 35 seconds longer than I would have liked them to is very healthy. I'm also not sure that rush hour traffic is good enough reason for a near-emotional breakdown.

Ok, I exaggerate.

But barely.

I've been reading lots about pregnancy, and I find myself being a little ridiculous.

If I read that your sense of smell becomes sharper, then I can suddenly smell the neighbor's raw beef they're cooking...two houses over.

I need to get a grip.

Certainly, some things have absolutely been true. The first thing is that I'm constantly exhausted. If I get up at 8 and have mild activity for approximately 4 hours, all I can think about is how I wiped out I am, and how I desperately need a nap.

Is this normal??

I hope so, because if not, I've just created a new normal.

It's been a blast to share the news though. I love dropping the bomb on people. And not, you know, that kind of bomb. (Although I hear too that that type of bomb is also a side effect of pregnancy.)

Thank you everyone for your excitement and for sharing in such joy with us. I will continue to keep you updated, and feel free to share any funny pregnancy/irrational-hormone stories you may have!

My Life Will Never Be the Same Again

2009-05-31T19:10:00.004-06:00

That's right, it's positive. Holy mackerel.

We're starting our baby's travels at a young age.

3 tests. Just to be sure.

Friday morning our lives were forever changed. I'm gonna have to make a long story short. Thursday night, about 2am, I woke up to go to the bathroom. I had the crazy thought to use a pregnancy test to see if I could be pregnant, since I was a couple days late. You know what I mean. We're all grown-ups here.

I had a cheesy, generic brand from quite awhile ago, from a time that I kind of half-thought I could be, but didn't really think so. Since it was 2 in the morning, I didn't even wait for it, I just took it back to bed with me. I laid there for a few minutes and then used my cell phone light to look at it.

I believe my exact thoughts were: SHUT. Up.

I laid there for the next two hours in a state of shock, bed covers over my head, using my cell phone as my light. A friend said that I probably looked light a human-sized lightning bug.

I intended to stay awake until Matt got up at 5 for work, but I ended up falling soundly asleep, and when I awoke at 6:32am, I realized I just missed him. Shoot.

Instead, however, I heard his voice in the kitchen, so, wearing my bathrobe with test securely tucked inside, I wandered out to see why he was still home. Long story short: he had a crazy truck breakdown.

Needless to say, our truck has been forever laid to rest in Truck Graveyard.

After the hubbalaboo passed, as calm as can be (in a state of shock), I took The Test out of my pocket, and said, "Babe, I think I'm pregnant."

In sticking with the conciseness of my story, we bought two more tests, of which both came out positive.

I realize it's probably a little early to share the news, but you're talking about Matt and I here. We decided we were gonna keep it on the DL for a few weeks, and that lasted all of about 9 minutes.

What can I say?? We're expressive.

That's our wonderful news, and we gladly expect our lives to never be the same again. Please pray for us and our new little baby!

On a side note, below is the all-organic, from-scratch chocolate raspberry cake Matt made for me, just because. It was fantabulous.

Thankful Thursday

2009-05-28T20:02:00.003-06:00

I have not been able to be thankful on Thursday for several weeks now. I'm very excited to get back on schedule.

I am thankful...

...for my new "banker" hours (1o:00am - 5:30pm).

...that we will soon have insurance again.

...for our new softball team (I LOVE making new friends).

...for our fully, beautifully stocked refrigerator.

...for the AWESOME weather we've been having (I haven't wasted a single day of it).

...for the chocolate raspberry cake that my husband made from scratch and all-organic ingredients, including the frosting, just because he knew I'd love it.

I know it's not a lot, but I'm a little short on time.

What are some things you're thankful for this week?

Do You Hear the Words Coming Out of My Mouth???

2009-05-26T21:46:00.005-06:00

It's that time again.

A new post.

I've actually been mulling this one over for a few days, but I haven't had the peace and quiet and alone time to sit down and actually put ink to paper, if you will. And I hope you will.

I had a fantastic time in Costa Rica, but the thing that I missed the absolute most was my time with the Lord. We were literally around multiple other people 24/7 so there wasn't much alone time. Mothers, I have a new, albeit tiny, understanding.

Many times on our vacation I just ached to be alone with Him. Alone in His Word. Alone under the shadow of His wings. Alone in pouring out my heart to Him.

I finally got the chance on our return trip.

Matt and I were on our way home, seated in seats 8B and 8C on our flight from Denver to Missoula, and I just literally couldn't take if for one more second. It was the most alone I'd been in almost two weeks and I had to seize the opportunity.

And by alone, I mean I was one of nearly 50 passengers in a metal tube 40,000 feet up in the air.

But hey, desperate times call for desperate measures.

So I seized the opportunity and started as I normally do, pouring my heart out to the Lord. Asking Him to convict me of any sin that I'm blind to or deceived by; any areas of offense that I've not seen or overlooked. Asked Him to prepare my heart to read His Word. To please give me understanding and wisdom and insight and discernment as I read His Word.

And through a roundabout way I ended up in 1st Timothy Ch. 4. One of my favorite chapters anyway, since the Lord has used it in the past to minister to my then broken and insecure heart.

But He illumined a different portion to me this time, and the revelation of it quite convicted me.

The NAS version is very near and dear to me, but I was using Matt's Bible, the NLT, and I loved the way it was phrased.

(Quick side note: a very wise person recently said that if a passage of Scripture is becoming too familiar that you easily skim through it and it lacks the brevity it should possess, then read it in an entirely different translation.)

(Amen.)

Here we go, back on track.

We don't have the time for me to lay out my whole time of study, so I just want to highlight one solitary sentence out of one solitary verse.

"Train yourself to be godly" (1st Tim. 4:7b).

For those of you who read this blog who may not know Christ as He's revealed Himself through Scripture, this verse will probably not mean much. If that's the case, please feel free to leave me a comment, and we can discuss in much greater detail and depth the Christian worldview.

For those of you who do know Christ, this may make much more sense.

In context, this verse instructs us to discipline ourselves in the pursuit of godliness.

What does this mean?

It means that we can know Christ and still be ungodly and untrained.

I was about to list a whole plethora of reasons in which I've personally witnessed this to be true, but I don't care to narrow your understanding. I much prefer for you to mull this over.

Are there areas of ungodliness in your life?

And I'm not talking about moments of sin, such as lashing out in anger or impatience. I'm talking about a willful choice of character. In the name of freedom.

How does this chapter end?

"Keep a close watch on how you live and on your teaching. Stay true to what is right for the sake of your own salvation and the salvation of those who hear you" (1st Tim. 4:16, emphasis mine).

What do people hear coming out of your mouth?

A Recap

2009-05-22T12:04:00.006-06:00

Hearken, I return.

We were gone 8 days but it felt like much longer.

I miss Costa Rica desperately. My heart hurts. I'm excited to see my little kitty again and get back into the swing of things with the ladies of the Esther study, but I just wish I could transport all that to Costa Rica, and we could all live there happily ever after.

My dear friends, Chris and Gloria, have rented an apartment in Atlanta, seeing as they will not be making it out of there for the next 2 1/2 months.

The joys of stand-by travel. It's not for the faint of heart, that's for sure.

All I know is that the last time I talked to her, they were yukking it up in the Crown Room and somehow, somewhere "chest waxing" became a part of their dialogue. And maybe future?

Chris and Glo, do you care to chime in on this?

I'm just saying.

I'm not judging. I'm just saying.

Here are some pics of our trip. Not too many of us because I couldn't handle seeing one more sweat-stained, greasy-cheeked picture of me. We were in the tropics in the hottest month of the year. Not conducive to attractive pictures.

Pops Ice Cream chain in CR (aka, the love of my life).

Our faces were dirty from the ATVs we rented for 8 hours. If you look very closely, you can see the beach in the background.

We got a little carried away.

This picture kills me every time. Ahh, laughing as we speak.

White-faced monkeys in the wild.

That's a good-lookin' man.

Boogie Board madness!

Coffee and breakfast outside.

To lemon pastry or not to lemon pastry?

Beautiful view in between Playa Dominical and San Isidro.

Playa Dominical

Manuel Antonio National Park

A Hiatus

2009-05-12T17:30:00.002-06:00

My blog friends (hopefully more than all 3 of you), I am saddened to report that I will be on a hiatus.

In Costa Rica.

On the beach.

In 90 degree weather.

Yeah, that's what I though too. Very sad.

I will blog from there if I get the chance, but I make no promises, seeing as how I have a tan to get and all. And some surfing skillz to catch up on.

Once I return, however, I will be posting pictures and sharing stories. Hopefully none of them will remotely include something that I like to call a sunburn. If you will.

Espero que ustedes tengan un gran el fin de semana, y les escribo cuando regreso.

Happy Mama's Day

2009-05-10T08:39:00.002-06:00

I am the worst daughter ever. I didn't get my mom a card or flowers. I didn't get my second mom a card or flowers (I'd like to believe that Matt shares the blame on that one). It's not because we weren't thinking of them or even because we haven't talked to them. I talk to my mom all the time. It's just because I am the worst Mailer ever. If it involves the Post Office, more than likely it ain't getting there.

Unless it's a new heart that somebody in critical condition is waiting for. And in that case, that's never actually happened to me, so... I'll repeat what I said earlier: It ain't getting there. Especially on-time. That actually never happens.

But even if I had sent a card, I would have still wanted to dedicate this post to each of them.

So here goes.

To my mom (mama):
I literally just sat here, my hands poised over the keyboard waiting for adequate words to come. I don't think they're there. How do I compose letters and words to convey what I feel towards you. You are the best mom ever. I think you're amazing. I've often heard of tension and strife that exists between mother and daughter and I literally cannot relate one tiny iota. There have definitely been times when I'm sure you would have like to have killed me (say like between the ages of 14 and 16), or at least tied my tongue in a thousand knots and forbid me from saying one more contentious, puberty-inspired word. But you were never reactive towards me; you always took my hysterics in stride and unfailingly lavished me with love and kindness.
You have the most wonderful character and attractive personality that I've ever known. Everyone who meets you loves you. The first thing out of their mouths is how strikingly beautiful you are, and the next (once they've had a chance to talk with you for approximately 4 1/2 minutes) is how incredibly sweet and kind you are. You blow my mind with how selfless and giving you are. Just being in your presence makes me want to be a kinder, gentler, more gracious woman.
I love you so much. So, so much. Thank you for being my mom, and for being the best one I could ask for.
I love you.

To my second mother,
I could not have asked for a better mother-in-law. How did I get so blessed to not only have an amazing natural mother, but I also got to inherit an amazing second mother? You raised the most incredible man. At times I think I could not love Matt more, and then I discover a whole new depth to him, and I fall more deeply in love. Thank you for giving birth to and raising a wonderful, wonderful man.
I love who you are, I love being with you. I love the sound of your laughter, and the way you tell stories. I love that I have never felt in competition with you, but we get to love the same man, just from different roles. I love that Matt loves you so much, and that he says on a regular basis, "I miss my mom." You know what? I miss her too.

I hope that both of you know how deeply loved and missed you are. We would have traded anything to get to spend this special day with you. As you go about your day, keep remembering that we are missing you, loving you, talking about you, and praying for you this day.

Love,
me

Un-stinkin'-believeable

2009-05-08T14:40:00.004-06:00

Like I've mentioned many times before, I work for the airlines, and I do not exaggerate when I tell you that I see all manner of people. Some people just absolutely blow my mind.

This is what's running through my inside voice: "Are you serious? Are you actually serious? Tell me you're joking. You're joking, right? You're not really saying the words that I think I hear coming out of your mouth? Nah, you're totally joking."

But alas, they are not.

But when I saw this on the news... you know what, just see for yourself.

This takes the cake.

Enjoy.

A Preface to Thankful Thursday

2009-05-07T14:21:00.004-06:00

Today is Thankful Thursday. I wish I could invite you into my heart and mind to see for yourself what the Lord has done this last week. But I can't, so I must preface what I'm thankful for with a short story.

I mentioned in my last post that I encountered grief in a concentrated amount several days ago. And since then, the story has literally consumed my thoughts. I think about it all the time. I pray like crazy for the ones affected, and I just wonder.

I've read that one of the hardest things about the grieving process is that life goes on. The pain is so intense that you feel like the world should just stop.

Can the world just stop moving for one moment and acknowledge my loss and my pain that's so intense I expect to die at any moment, and in fact, I WISH I WOULD!

That kind of grief.

One of the things that I mentioned before is that everything is so wrong about it. It's not the way life is supposed to go. And today, I think the Lord answered the wonderings in my heart through a song that I've loved for a long time, but did not have the significance before that it did today.

My eyes flooded with tears as I drove home.

I hope you listen to. every. single. word.

It was so timely that it could have only been the Lord's providence.
(In fact, I honestly don't think I've ever heard them play this song on the radio here.)

So today I'm thankful...

...for that.

...for my God. He is so good. So good. My heart soars with affection towards Him. I could weep at His love towards me. Thank You, my Lord.

Devastate Me

2009-05-03T20:23:00.007-06:00

It's been some time since I've posted. I've been ridiculously busy.

Shopping.

And playing Settlers of Canaan (not to be confused with Catan). It's the Bible version and it's about 3 1/2 million times more fun.

Wow, I had a DAY today. I encountered tragedy today in another that has left me feeling almost physically weighed down. My heart aches because everything about it is so wrong and not the way things are supposed to be. I wish I could express to these dear people that I am so sorry.

The Spanish language conveys it more accurately: Lo siento.

I feel it and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I can't share details, but please pray knowing the Lord knows the Who and the What.

I am 25 years old. In the last week I have spoken and prayed with women who have encountered more grief and more pain than I hope to ever know, and I have felt completely inadequate. I have called desperately upon the Lord for wisdom beyond my years and my experiences, and more than that, for His heart of unfailing love that sings over His people.

I read a blog some time ago and the writer shared that she had prayed that God would devastate her with His love. That struck me because oftentimes what we need to be shaken from our apathy and self-centeredness is some devastation, some devastating love. I'll come back to finish that in a minute. Follow me here.

I worked this morning at 5am. I told my co-workers that I'd like to declare today a national holiday: National Complaining Passenger Day. I was dealing with some of the nastiest of the nastiest of people.

On top of a nasty and uncalled for note that greeted me when I walked into work this morning. On top of being bone tired. On top of being famished and having extremely low blood sugar, which equals Irritability To The Highest. My thoughts were full of angry and hateful things.

I had to push a man in a wheelchair through security and up to the gate because his achilles tendon snapped playing rugby the day before, and the whole time I was berating him in my mind for not lavishing me with thankfulness and acknowleding all the hard work I was doing. Sick. Of all the people at my work that should be the "least of these" and the first to serve another, I was complaining. Albeit internally.

My morning ended with an irrational woman one fuse short of an atomic bomb explosion after I informed her that we would not be putting her on another airline because SHE missed her flight, and it was HER fault (I made sure to emphasize that).

I say all that to say that that was me this morning. I was tired, angry, impatient, hungry, bitter, and feeling unappreciated and unfairly treated.

By the time I got home, I wanted nothing more than to hit my knees before my Lord. I needed Him desperately. I needed Him to cleanse my heart of my sin and make it clean again. I couldn't fathom going to church in my present condition with nothing to offer anyone but a fake smile and insincere words.

So I poured my heart out to Him and asked Him to fill my heart with His love today for people.

To devastate me.

He did.

And it hurts. I thought my heart would break in half today.

But how much better to feel? I hate apathy. I hate desensitization. I hate selfishness. I hate callousness. I hate trite answers. I hate it in other people. And I especially hate it in myself.

It's tempting to stay in a safe, comfortable world, isolated from the tragedies of others. After all, I have my own problems, right?

Like what color highlights to get. And what kind of swimsuit cover-up to buy.

No, that makes me sick. I want to live in the real world. And I want to love real people. And that means sharing the burden of tragedy. It means being uncomfortable. It means not having all the right answers. It means simply being quiet when words fall short. It means expending myself on their behalf.

I'm not saying I'm there. Not even close. I need the unfailing love of the Lord and His sufficient grace.

And so do you.

Grankful Thursday

2009-04-30T15:11:00.002-06:00

My former pastor's wife, Linn, is the one who began the tradition of Thankful Thursday. But today, she wrote a post about the difference between being grateful and thankful, and decided she'd like to emphasize both.

I'd like to believe that I have solved the problem.

Grateful + Thankful = Grankful

Today I am grankful...

...for the Compassion group in India, and that they have taken time every day to write and remind us with real-time photos and stories of the significant difference $32 a month can make.

...that not only do I have ONE steady job, but the option of a second one if I turn the first one down. I don't take that lightly in today's economy.

...for those irreplaceable moments lying in bed with Matt laughing our heads off.

...for friendships that are 98% enjoyment, and a rare 2% disagreement.

...that I can take a nap after I finish writing this.

...that someone, somewhere in this world is enjoying some sunshine.

...that exactly 2 weeks from today we'll be kissing Missoula goodbye and flying straight to Costa Rica!

What are you grankful for today?

For those of you who have left comments... THANK YOU! I thoroughly enjoy each one!

You May Ask...Or You May Not

2009-04-28T11:54:00.006-06:00

I had a profound conversation last night.

(Lest you think I'm flattering myself, let me clarify to say that the person with whom I was conversing made a profound statement.)

In my last post I made reference to a "QT". By that I mean a "quiet time". What's that, you may ask (or may not ask, for that matter. But let's pretend you did ask). Do I mean literally a time of being quiet? No, not in the least, though at times I may be quiet. I actually am not sure where the phrase quiet time came from, seeing as how it may not be completely accurate.

When I refer to it, I mean my specific time every day (morning for me) that I set apart to seek the Lord. I study my Bible, His Word, and spend quite a bit of time in prayer. Not only making requests, but also talking to Him as with a friend, a powerfully perfect Friend. This is where I am free to lay my heart out before Him, exactly as it is, with no pretense. And as I study His Word and learn more and more to discern His voice, I become more and more conformed to His likeness.

Believe me when I say that there is a marked difference in my character and countenance when I allow several days to lapse without seeking Him.

I very much am looking forward to the day when Matt and I have kids, but there is a huge sadness in me already that I will not have the time that I do now to linger in His presence. When I think of it for long enough, in my mind I can easily put off having children. I know the Lord knows this already though, and I absolutely believe that He will provide unique ways to spend time with Him regardless. I know because I've seen it (aka Laura Krokos).

But back to my profound moment.

After the Esther study last night, I spent over an hour visiting with a lady who attends, and was absolutely flabbergasted at the amount of wisdom she had, and her absolute heart and love for the Lord.

She said that though she had always had a heart for the Lord, even from when she was little, that when she got married and had children, that she began to drift from Him. Not away from having a heart for Him, but from having time for Him, and she said that the more time that went by not seeking Him, the less she became aware of her need for Him.

And the thing that most floored me was this: she said that she firmly believes that she would have been a vastly different person as a wife and mother had she made daily quiet times a priority.

Wow.

I take that deeply to heart. My times with the Lord everyday are the most important time of the day; not because I have to, but because I get to and I need to. But I don't want to be so deceived that I think that could never change.

"When You said, 'Seek My face,' my heart said to You,
'Your face, O Lord, I shall seek.' "
~Psalm 27:8~

I Laughed So Hard I Cried

2009-04-27T10:32:00.003-06:00

Many of you know that I am an obsessive reader. For as long as I can remember, I have always had a book in my hand. Including, but not limited to, at church, restaurants, and college classrooms.

I kid you not when I say that if I happened to run to the bathroom without a book, I had to have something to read so desperately that I would read through the ingredients of the shampoo and conditioner bottles, challenging myself to pronounce the scientific names correctly.

I know, it's probably a sickness, but it's also a reality.

So anywho, for the last several years, my favorite sort of fiction books have been high-suspense, CIA sort of thrillers. Some of my favorite authors are Ted Dekker, Tim Downs, Joel Rosenberg, T.L. Hines, and Mark Andrew Olsen, just to name a few.

Amongst those, however, Tim Downs ranks at the top, mainly because he is HILARIOUS.

So the other week, I was at the end of his book, Less Than Dead, and he wrote this one part so hilariously that I had to include it here for your viewing pleasure. I hope the funny translates, even not having read the whole book.

The story picks up in the middle of a high-speed chase...

"He's trying to push us over the edge!" Alena shouted.

"Slam on the brakes and make him run into us," Nick said. "It might wreck his engine - then we can pull away."

"Trygg is in the back - the collision could kill her. And what if we wreck our truck but not his engine? Then we can't pull away."

"Good point. I'll keep working on it."

"How close is he right now?"

Nick looked. "Our bumpers are almost kissing. Why?"

"Hang on!"

Alena steered the truck directly toward a sheer drop-off, then at the last possible moment cut the wheel hard and let the tail swing into the turn. The cab slumped precariously to the right as the rear wheel slipped of the shoulder and spun in midair before the truck pulled itself back onto the road.

"Did it work?" Alena shouted.

"That depends. Were you trying to make me wet my pants?"

Communication and Ativan

2009-04-25T15:14:00.005-06:00

Communication is an interesting thing. It's comprised of only about 3 trillion different facets. For example? For example, tone of voice. A slight lilt here, or a sharp tone there, and your meaning suddenly becomes very clear...or not so clear.

But now that we've become such a blogging, emailed, facebooked world, communication becomes even trickier. I've recently had an "email" argument with a friend, and it's been...interesting.

It's kind of nice because I get to really think about what I want to say and don't get trapped into saying something emotional that I don't really mean. But it's also not so good in that I can't know what they're really meaning or not actually saying, and I also may have to wait 12 (or 24) hours to hear back from them, leaving me alone with my thoughts and assumptions, which as we all know is rarely ever a good thing.

We learned this last week in our Esther study that anger and meanness always have a history; we don't just get angry or mean out of the blue. Usually something has been festering. This was absolutely true this past week. Which makes me wish that we would all just deal with our crap, at the time, rather than let it fester and become explosive. (And I'm talking to myself too).

Okay, I'm annoyed, and I'm ticked. (You probably couldn't really tell, so I thought I'd just lay it out there.) And I have learned something absolutely fascinating about myself in the last several months.

When I get angry or upset, my first reaction is almost always, I want to move. I don't care where, but I want to move right now. Get me out of this place as quickly as possible.

That's not usually very healthy.

(Can I just add a rabbit trail to say that something else that really annoys me is name-dropping? I see it on blogs and facebook when people "just happen" to drop a famous person's name and their connection to them.)

Ok, I'm over it.

Obviously, I need a QT.

Another one.

Or a nap.

Or an Ativan.

This boils down to the fact that relationships are difficult. We're difficult. No friendship is immune from hurting each other's feelings, or misunderstanding the other, or just being plain unteachable with one another.

But, as I've often said, I'm nobody's Holy Spirit. And most of the time, I error on the side of silence and let the Holy Spirit do the convicting. But this past week I took matters into my own hands, and quite frankly, I'd be glad to go back in time.

I want to move to Costa Rica. Forever.

I think maybe I'll go have another QT.

Thankful Thursday

2009-04-23T09:03:00.003-06:00

It's that time again, and it will be next Thursday, and the next, and the next...
Being thankful should be a daily thing, but I do enjoy this pointed time on Thursdays.

I am thankful...

...for Psalm 27.

...that the Lord is great and powerful, and there is no one like Him.

...(this will shock you) for this rainy day.
(Don't ask, I just am, okay? Gah.)

...for a love of reading, and for those books that you...just...can't...put...down.

...that Matt's finished with clinicals until September (for his sake).

...for compassionate people who remember from where they have fallen.

...for the free time and flexible schedule that I have right now (I know this will soon change as I go back to full-time).

...that in exactly three weeks from today we will be in Costa Rica. (I can't WAIT!)

Have a fantastically wonderful day!

You Know You Live in Montana...

2009-04-20T15:22:00.006-06:00

I am not a native Montanan. In fact, the first time I even stepped foot in this state was about a year and a half ago, when we moved here. I have to admit that I think I had a subconscious view of Montana as still filled with bustling horse and wagon and cowboys lined up outside dusty streets tipping their hats to the country gals walking by with their parasols. I just literally could not envision an actual city being here, it didn't fit with my vision of Montana.
But alas, I've lived here long enough to know that Montana does indeed have its cities (none bigger than 200,000 mind you). But it also has its quirks, and today it struck me as I sat waiting for a green light.

You know you live in Montana...

...if there's a guy on an ATV in the next lane waiting for the same green light (yep, it's legal here).

...if your friends wear their holstered guns AT ALL TIMES.

...if 20 degrees is not considered cold.

...if 30 degrees is considered balmy.

...if you don't see the sun for 4 straight months. Maybe five.

...if all other states in the Union are spoken of contemptuously.

...if you can accurately recount the lives of Lewis and Clark.

...if grizzly bear and mountain lion attacks are casually reported in the newspaper ("A man riding his bike in the Rattlesnake was attacked from the side by a mountain lion. Man was uninjured. In other news, plans continue for the closing of the mill.")

...if the Griz and the Bobcats have any significance to you.

And lastly...

...if people outside of Montana ask you if you've ever heard of Jennifer Lopez.

Deep Thoughts on Potlucking

2009-04-19T11:37:00.007-06:00

In answer to all of your questions, the photo at the top is from our wedding, and I'm not sure why you haven't seen it, you probably have and just don't remember.
(Ok, there weren't really "all of your questions"... really just in answer to Linda's.)
On a totally different and unrelated note, I love potlucks.
I just don't love them when I have to bring something. There's too much pressure to demonstrate your amazing cooking-ness.
Let's be honest. I cook. I'm not an amazing cook. I cook to eat, and so that my husband can eat, and so that 3 quarters of our paychecks don't go towards the establishment of Eating Out.
And I confess, 99.9% of the products I bring to potlucks have not actually been made by me, per se, and if I were real honest, I probably only brought them because I had a hankerin' for them, if you will.
Case in point: tonight I'm bringing Lemon Meringue pie. Have I really thought about if that's practical or reasonable, or if others would even enjoy it? No.
The only thoughts going through my head are,
Shoot, I forgot about the potluck tonight. I hate having to bring something, it's too much stress to try to impress others with my homemade stuffed mushrooms (not that I've ever actually made those), but I'm tired just thinking about it. Ummm, that Lemon Meringue pie at Rosauers is so good. Hey, I could bring that, and then just get a slice really quickly, and then I don't have to feel bad for spending $7 on a pie for myself, and I can still have a slice. Yeah, that's good.
I recognize that we all have gifts, and some are gifted in potlucking. I am not one of them. I laud them, and their culinary works of art. I simply ask that they not judge, lest they be judged, my Rosauers Lemon Meringue, complete with tacky price sticker ($6.99).
On a more random note, check out Sophie's many different breakfast ideas. May you be inspired.

The Sometimes World of Matt and Sara

2009-04-16T20:16:00.006-06:00

Me: I'm not keeping score or anything, but this is the second time in a row I've cleaned the litter box.

Him: I cleaned it the three times before.

Me: Yeah, but I think we should go back to one and one.

Me: And we should probably take the trash out before tomorrow.

(silence)

Me: And by "we" I really mean you.

Him: I figured.

Thankful Thursday and A Synopsis On Thrills

2009-04-16T15:10:00.004-06:00

You know, some things just simply thrill me. I don't have another word for it. I am thankful for many things, and you'll see some specific things in a moment, but some times I'm just thankful for them because they thrill me. And I'm thrilled for all different sorts of reasons.
Maybe it's something out of the ordinary in an ordinary day. Maybe it's because it made me laugh really hard. And I was by myself. And it ended with me talking to myself about it because it was so funny. Maybe it's because I got to have a special moment just between the Lord and I and nobody else would really understand. Maybe it's because I find other people just so dang interesting, and I never get tired of staring at them and being awed by the things they do, and that's a thrill in itself. Especially when Matt breaks into my reverie and brings me back to reality to tell me that I've been gazing at the couple at the table next to us for a solid ten minutes. And they're close enough to reach out and touch.
Maybe. Who knows?? I don't know.
But what I do know is that I'm thankful that God gave me the ability to be easily entertained.

And with that, we begin Thankful Thursday.

I'm thankful...

...for my supervisor, Paul, and that I get to hand off difficult and getundermyskintotheverycoreofmyirritatedness passengers to him.

...for every week in our Esther women's study. I cannot express how much I have already come to love these ladies and our time together every week.

...for my mom's kindness and grace.

...for good girlfriends that you can watch Bride Wars with, and American Idol, and bake quiches, and play games, and go shopping, and call to get more sympathy over your bad haircolor than your husband could ever hope to give, and who will speak the truth to you even when it hurts.

...for my mom - for all the abovementioned reasons and a million more.

...for my husband - he's so dang funny all the time. What would I have done if I'd married a serious unfunny guy? Only Matt would've ever done, and nobody else.

...I know I've mentioned them before, but for Chris and Gloria. I haven't hung out with them in awhile and I just really miss them.

...for Elizabeth, Noah, Katie, and Lauryn (for Craig too, but he doesn't get to hang out with us for hours during the day).

...for my coffeepot - I'm sorry, but I'm still not over it.

Hey, I'm just curious... who reads this blog? Would it bother you if I asked you to leave a quick comment with your name and city, just so I have an idea? No? Okay, thanks. I'm just curious is all.
That'll be a wrap. Happy Thursday. Hope you have some thrills.

Free Therapy

2009-04-13T12:50:00.004-06:00

Writing has often been therapeutic for me. A way to express what I feel and think in my core, with the ability to edit. You don't get the luxury of editing in real life, or wouldn't we all be free of misunderstanding and hurt feelings?
I wrote a post several days ago, and after about a day of leaving it up, I took it off because it was so personal. And although every word of it was true, I felt too exposed. So I've decided to rewrite an edited (see, there you go) version; one in which I don't feel as if my soul is hanging out there for all to see. Chubs, maybe. Soul, no.
A few days ago, I was very angry. So angry in fact that I threw my phone as hard as I could after I got off of it (don't worry, it was at the couch). And don't worry, it wasn't my husband I was angry at. Quite the contrary, he was such a source of encouragement and empathy.
After I threw my phone I just collapsed in a fit of tears, facedown before my God. And I poured my heart out to Him, because I knew that He heard me. I spent the rest of the day feeling pretty somber and exhausted in my soul. That night, I ached to worship God, to allow worship music to say for me what I couldn't compose with my own lips. And as I paced the floor, it hit me with the greatest clarity I've ever experienced:
I wouldn't trade this for anything.
I wouldn't trade my God and my life in Him for anything. I ache for Him, and I am satisfied by Him. I long to be nearer and nearer to Him. He is life to me and for me. He is the greatest joy I've ever known. He is powerful beyond description and yet, intimately aware of every life. He tells me in His Word that His love is unfailing towards me, and that He is not reserved in His affections towards me, but rather that He rejoices over me with singing. That His banner over me is love, and He tells us in Revelation that one day He will make Satan bow down and declare that He has loved us (3:9). Wow.
And I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Not for a perfect life. Not for a perfect family. Not for a perfect spouse. Not for all the wealth in the world. Not for the most esteemed job. Not for perfect children. Not for all the beauty I could ever want. Not for anything.
That night as Matt and I prayed together, these words were on my lips and I meant them with everything in me:

"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple."
-Psalm 27:4-

The Hope of Paradise (Edited Version)

2009-04-10T15:01:00.001-06:00

I'm experiencing writer's block... 2 weeks in. Sad.

I did, however, get a new coffee pot today.

I know what you're thinking, LAME.

(I am very excited about it though. It even has a blue LED light displaying the time, and for some reason I think it's beautiful and keep looking over at it.)

You know, now that I think about, something that I've encountered a lot of lately are so many tragic stories. And not just stories on the news, but from people that I feel connected to, even if I've never actually met them. Just recently Matt told me about a high school boy who fell asleep at the wheel. This young kid will most likely finish life in a physical and mental prison. His dad is a rock-solid Christian and continually expressed to Matt his unwavering faith in God's goodness. And I absolutely agree with him. I am not one of those people that thinks that when bad things happen, God is no longer good. That's not the God we find in the Bible. God enters our pain. He bears our pain. He gives us the hope of Paradise where there is no disease, no accidents, no tragedy.
The image that people have of Heaven grieves me. You know, white sarongs, puffy clouds, catatonic faces, a bright light. Why would anybody look forward to that? A celestial nursing home.
But, imagine with me for a moment the most beautiful place you've ever seen. Maybe you've actually been there, or maybe you saw it on Planet Earth. Think of the majestic-ness of it, and the breath-taking awe and wonder that overtook you that such a place existed. The mountain range in Antarctica immediately came to mind. I don't know it's name or many details, but I do know that when I saw it (watching Planet Earth) I was stunned at how beautiful and untouched it was. But I've also been stunned at devastation.
Think of the ugliest, most devastated place you've ever seen. Perhaps you saw news coverage of the massacres in Darfur. You saw the orphaned children, the bloodied bodies, the devastated landscapes and people. Everything about it was so wrong and not what was meant to be. And for me, it reminds me that this world is corrupt and ravaged by sin in the individual heart that manifests itself on the communal level, affecting so many.
And yet beauty still exists in breath-taking reality in places on this earth. And my heart aches with the purity and cleanness of it. But why?
Have you ever experienced what I can only vaguely describe as that something? It's otherwordly, a deep longing, a sweet reminiscence of a place you've never been. It's the tiniest taste of desire that's. Just. Right...There. And you can't quite place your finger on what the desire is or what it would be like realized, but you just know that it's wonderful and exactly where you want to be. If you could just quite figure out Where that is, and What it is.
I believe it's an innate spiritual GPS within every single one of us, a reminder that we were not created for this world. We were not meant to live in the heart of death and destruction and evil. It's a tiny taste of the Paradise that awaits those who have trusted in Christ. And the reason we cannot quite put our finger on its exact location is because we've never actually been there...yet. But we know, we know that we know that it's real and we know that we know that we know that it's right where we've always wanted to be.
The picture God paints for us in Scripture of Heaven that even Jesus, Himself, referred to it as, is one of Paradise. Even as John wrote about the tiniest glimpse that he'd been given in the book we now know as Revelation, he kept using the word "like". He saw with his own eyes and yet he could not adequately express the insane beauty and reality of it all. Even Paul wrote that he "was caught up in Paradise and heard inexpressible words, which a man is not permitted to speak" (2nd Cor. 12:4). He was not even allowed to speak of what he'd seen. Why do it injustice?
A place where utter longing, utter knowing and being known is fulfilled, devoid of shame, doubt, fear, distrust, blame, selfishness. A place where we see the Lord face to face, high and lifted up. In an environment of utter paradise.
I know You tarry, Lord, because You "are not slow about Your promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward us, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance" (2nd Peter 3:9).
And yet, come quickly, Lord. We long for Your wholeness in Your Paradise.

Thankful Thursday

2009-04-09T16:05:00.002-06:00

Before I write what I'm thankful for this week, I just have to share a little something that thrilled me today. Matt and I rarely drive anywhere, because we get to fly everywhere. So the only driving we do is in town, and we never have to use the highway. Well today at work I got selected for a random drug screening so I had to drive from one end of town to the other and on the way back I thought it would be quicker to use the highway.
Folks, I can't remember the last time I went 75 MPH. I felt rebellious. Even though it's what the speed limit was, I kept slowing down because it felt so wrong, but it was oh so right. And it thrilled me.
It's the little things in life.

Today I'm thankful...

...for coffee with Lady. I so appreciate and need her godly wisdom.

...for the great feedback from the women about how much they've been loving the Esther study.

...for my husband's guitar abilities, and that I get to listen to him play while I write this.

...for our new coffee pot - it's just beautiful. (I'm still not over it.)

...that I get to watch Bolt with Katie and Noah tonight.

...that we get to go to Costa Rica in a month!!!

...that both of our families will all be under one gigantic roof in July in Whitefish!!!

...for the warmth, and that today I actually had to use the air conditioner. So glorious.

Ain't No Sunshine When He's Gone...

2009-04-06T11:44:00.002-06:00

I bet y'all thought I was gonna blog about my husband being gone all day at clinicals...
In fact, the only reason(s) I chose that title was 1) in reference to last week's American Idol (see: Kris Allen), and 2) anything that includes the word "sun", "sunshine", "sunny", "sunburn", "suntan", etc. is GOOD. In fact, just yesterday I told Matt that I could name our daughter (please see: future reference) Sunny. Doesn't that just make you happy to even read it?
Ok, moving on.
I was thinking about what I'd want to write about today, and I thought I'd write a list of my Personal Pet-Peeves, and then thought that I was definitely setting myself up for a big fat bad mood, so I wanted to go the opposite route.
I'd like to just talk about some things that make me happy...

...being caught off guard by hilarity and laughing out loud.
...laying out in the sunshine (bet that took you by surprise).
...seeing new places (from Seattle to New York to San Francisco to Portland in just about a couple months).
...when my husband catches me off guard with a kiss or gentle touch or romantic word.
...having all the time that I want in God's Word with a good cup of coffee.
...praying for something specific and seeing it get answered.
...knowing that my security and confidence are definitely not in this world's power or economy but in the truth and character of the Lord.
...getting together with my family - we're big, obnoxious, loud, and somebody is always saying something funny.
...A GOOD BOOK.
...finding my kitty on his back with all four paws up in the air. Sound asleep.
...getting to do something that I purely enjoy with no expectations (writing this blog, playing Scrabble, traveling somewhere).

I could obviously go on and on, but I need to bring it to a close for the sake of time.
How about you, what are some things that just make you plain happy?

Thankful Thursday (Except That It's Saturday)

2009-04-02T11:35:00.016-06:00

Matt and I had a whirlwind 72 hours, thus I was not able to be thankful on Thankful Thursday (at least on paper), so I'm doing some catching up...

I'm thankful...

...that Matt and I got a mini-vacay in San Francisco, complete with trolley ride, In 'N Out Burger, clam chowder bread bowl, Ghirardelli chocolate sundae, latte in Little Italy, General Tsao's in Chinatown, nap in a park overlooking the bay, and lots of good sightseeing (all in 6 hours I might add).

...for Jordan and Stacy (they're crazy) and the cutest schnookumswookums nephews and niece - Austen, Landon, and Noelle.

...for misconnects (airlinespeak for we-get-to-get-on-the-flight-because-you-didn't-make-it).

...that the Lord absolutely blows my mind all the time. Let me just include this verse:

"Splendor and majesty are before Him, Strength and beauty are in His sanctuary."
Psalm 96:6

...for Matt and that he's so committed to our marriage all the time, and that he has the same streak of adventure in him that I do (the Lord knows I need adventure like I need toothpaste...it's not essential for life, but it's still pretty much essential).

...for our vacuum that has firmly established its role as antkiller and a husband who bravely operates it (the Lord knows I can't do it).

That'll do it, have a great Saturday.
(I'd like to add that I've spent the last hour making these pictures work, so I hope you've thoroughly enjoyed them.)

Behind The Scenes Exclusive

2009-03-27T15:32:00.004-06:00

As I mentioned before, I work for the airlines here in Missoula. I am officially titled a Cross-Utilized Agent. What this means in humanspeak is that we're trained to do it all. I am a Customer Service Rep, a Gate Agent, a Ramp Agent, and I work Operations and everything in between. On any given day, like today for example, I may check you in, board your flight, and marshall you out. So I thought that I'd give a little behind the scenes exclusive in the airline world... namely, the do's and don'ts of airline travel.

Don't show up any less than half an hour before your flight, because we're not letting you on, no matter how much you cry and scream and drop the F-bomb.
Do arrive at least an hour before to save time for any unexpected problems.

Don't be rude... because you've just shot yourself in the foot for any extra measures.
Do go out of your way to listen when I'm speaking (hang up your cell phone) and obey.

Don't try to connive us - we've heard every excuse in the book.
Do be honest - we can often make simple changes if there's a good, valid reason.

DO NOT board before your zone number is called (this may be my number one pet peeve). There are reasons for zone numbers, they're not there for giggles.
Do wait patiently (not breathing down my throat) for your zone to be called.

Don't have tunnel vision.
Do remember that you are just one of thousands of people traveling today and some of those people are on your very same flight and would appreciate it if you found your seat quickly and got out of their way.

Don't ask if we'll call your connecting flight and have them hold the plane for you (you're not the President).
Do be very patient and kind as we do our best to rebook you.

I think my most unbelievable passengers yet were two businessmen traveling together to ATL. I was working their gate and I had paged them THREE times that their flight was boarded and ready for departure. When we were past cut-off time, I finally closed the flight without them. About ten minutes after departure they showed up to their gate, and when I arrived back from closing out the flight, I was greeted with arm flailing, yelling, and accusations that I HAD COST THEM A TEN MILLION DOLLAR DEAL!!! You'd think they would've chartered their own flight... or just been there on time...

How about you... any crazy traveling stories?

Thankful Thursday

2009-03-26T19:21:00.003-06:00

Today I am thankful for...
... the women who have signed up to do the Esther study. I think it's going to be an amazing time of drawing closer to the Lord through His Word, and an absolute blast getting to know one another!
... that Matt and I have never had to go without food. Today we were able to go grocery shopping and did not have to worry that we would not have enough. The Lord has always provided for us.
... for the sense of smell that transports my imagination to exotic places.
... my parents - they have always unconditionally loved me. I know that I will be 57 and I will still be their little girl that they love and adore.
... babies - their smell, their soft skin, their cuddly-wuddliness, their innocent eyes, their gummy smiles.
... a blazing fire (even though it is March 26th and we're still lighting them).
... baked beans. Yum.
... mashed potatoes. More yum.
... the Lord's unfailing love.

I'm sick, I know. I'm sorry.

2009-03-23T11:44:00.002-06:00

Many of you already know that I work for the airlines, and as a result, I fly a lot. Now, I'm pretty easily self-contained and stick to my own world. I bring my book and I'm lost in Sara-landia for the duration of the flight. But this morning, as our flight taxied on the runway out of Missoula, I had a moment of supreme boredom. And I kid you not, this is what passed through my head:
I wish somebody would just flip out right now and start screaming and calling for help. That would provide me with some mild entertainment for a few minutes.
Like I said, I'm sick and I'm sorry.

I'd Call Myself Helga.

2009-03-22T14:27:00.004-06:00

So today began the Esther study kick-off. Holy macratoli. I hoped for.. oh, I don't know, 5 to 6 women.
(Sorry, quick side note - there was an earth worm massacre last night on our front step and Matt's procrastinating putting their squished, severed bodies to rest permanently in the trashcan...)
Ok, back on track. As I was saying... you know, 5 to 6 women would be fantastic.
Thirteen. Thirteen women signed up. And this brings me to my original point that I haven't actually made yet.

(Edited to add: we have a total of 26 women signed up)

The whole process of beginning this study has been a spiritual wrestling match for me. I've encountered intense fear. Fear of failure. Fear of embarrassment. I've come up against extreme discouragement and the sure knowledge of inadequacy. I've thought that surely I heard the Lord wrong when He led me to start this study. I've wrestled with what I've known to be true and what I felt to be true. That's a whole 'nother post in itself, but let me just say that it forced me to my knees, literally, as I cried out from an honest, desperate heart for the Lord's all-sufficient grace. There were days I had to repent and ask for His forgiveness because my flesh crept in, looking for a slice of recognition and esteem. There were days when I simply wept, out of sorrow and transparency, out of awe at His goodness. Because He is so good. All the time. Even in His discipline. He humbles me to save me from myself and the utter destruction of pride.
So at the end of the day I can truly say that I am Yours, Lord. All of me is Yours. Use my gifts, my talents, my weaknesses, my failures, my desires, my everything to glorify Yourself. May You be found recognizable in me.
And with all that said, if this were a real wrestling match...
I'd call myself Helga.

Umm, Yeee-ah. About That.

2009-03-20T14:24:00.002-06:00

My irritation level just hit the milky way. So I mentioned in passing that jars and bottles that require The Arnold's arms really, really, really... tick me off. Now, when I said "jars" and "bottles" I should clarify that I really meant Vitamin Water. And I'm actually refraining from using Christian profanity, although I have to confess that my anger this morning did involve the use of the word "flippin'"... and might have been followed by other colorful choice Christian words.
I mean, what is the deal?? Every dadgum-single-isolated-time that I go to open a Vitamin Water bottle, I heave and I twist and I get a red face and... NOTHING. It doesn't budge. Exaggerate I do not when I say that this morning my arms were sore after all my attempts. Okay, I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. And I don't know who Vitamin Water thinks he is, but he obviously didn't know that he just met the most stubborn woman on the planet when it comes to triumph and victory. Let's just leave it at - I did get it opened... at the expense of all my joy and happiness for the day.
On a happier note, I'm trying a brand-spankin'-new recipe tonight, courtesy of my co-worker, Robyn. It's called BBQ Pork Ribs. For those of you who have not heard of it, it involves BBQ sauce and pork ribs. Scrum-dittily-umptious. I'll let everyone know how it turned out.
How about you - anything in your life that sends you over the edge? How about a great recipe?

Thankful Thursday

2009-03-19T14:22:00.004-06:00

So my former pastor's wife from Durango, Linn, began this quite a while ago, as a reminder to be purposeful about the things we have to be thankful for.
I am thankful:

That Matt loves me deeply and lavishly - tonight we're having a date night that he initiated and planned completely (homemade pizza and a movie in front of the fireplace)!
That the Lord is so faithful to conform me into His image, even in the painful refining times.
For my little kitty, Cyrus, who for some reason, brings us so much joy and makes us laugh all the time. We communicate. I know you don't believe me, but we do. I know what he's thinking and he's a good listener.
For my job that's allowed us to fly all over the dang place. How kind is the Lord to give me a job that satisfies my desires and need for travel and adventure?!
For an amazing family, both my own and my in-laws.
Chris and Gloria - we hang out all the time and never get tired of each other, and I miss them when I haven't seen them for two days.

That'll do it for this week.
What are some things you're thankful for?

Operation Ant Control

2009-03-17T15:23:00.005-06:00

I've been in a feverish spring fever cleaning mode. Maybe in hopes that it'll actually make spring a reality, in light of our recent snowfall. And by "recent" I mean this morning. I've swept and cleaned our outdoor area (all the while fully expecting dormant black widows to jump out at my face in malicious attack). I had the whole emergency room visit mapped out in my head. First, who would I call? Matt? No, he's at clinicals, and he's unreachable at best by cell phone anyways. Gloria? Maybe, but if she's at work, she won't answer. Elizabeth? Yeah, that'll work, she's close and most likely home. Once I had my emergency room visit mapped out, I moved on to the cupboards. Threw everything away with an expiration date before June 17th, 1994. Arranged my spices. Swept, washed dishes, and cooked a fabulous Olive Garden knock-off dinner.
But today, in spite of my best cleaning efforts, Matt and I awoke to find our kitchen sink BLACK with ants. For those of you who don't know, I have a teensy, tiny obsessive fear of anything Insect. And all of Matt's patient assurances ("They're just ants. Gah.") were having absolutely no effect on my already stretched-to-the-limits nerves, due to my prior anxiety attack over the black widows. Which, by the way, never came to be, except for in my nightmares. So, due to this teensy, tiny fear, I contented myself to eat a bowl of cereal and bark directions at Matt, who worked tirelessly to rid our kitchen of them. And by tirelessly, I mean he got out the vacuum. He then proceeded, in all the eagerness of a novice ant killer, to spray the ant-killer can empty in our kitchen. Which meant that the 3 of us were cooped up in the office for a good hour, in order to salvage what remained of our lungs.
But now, my trust and security are gone. What if I wake up in the morning, and for the third morning in a row, we have ANTS? Hey, I just realized that ants could almost be satan. Does that mean anything?
So tell me your best ant solution.

New England in the Fall

2008-10-01T19:17:00.000-06:00

Matt and I are in Boston right now, heading back home tomorrow morning. We took a trip to New England for my birthday and have had an absolutely wonderful time. We flew into Boston and drove immediately to Kennebunkport, ME, which is such a cute little coastal town. It feels like you go back in time and you can just imagine the Revolutionaries! We had my birthday dinner at a place called Federal Jack's, right on the water, and they brought out me out a dessert with a sparkler on top! It was two other people's birthdays that night too! The next day we drove along the coast to Portland, ME and over to New Hampshire. We shopped at the best outlet mall ever in North Conway, our next town on the list to move to! Seriously. We pretty much loved everything about it. We then drove through the White Mountain National Forest to Whitefield, NH (named after George Whitfield, the evangelist) where we stayed at The Lion and The Rose B & B. Can I just say I never wanted to leave?? We had the Egyptian room, which featured a 4 poster king-size bed with a two-person Jacuzzi tub at the foot of it, and a gas fireplace and two pedestal sinks and a two-person shower, all followed up with a home-cooked breakfast in the morning by candelight around an antique table and with people from all over the world. It was absolutely amazing! My husband completely planned it out too... he's completely amazing!
Today we drove from Whitefield up and over to Vermont, where the fall foliage was in PEAK season. It literally looked like the mountain had been painted and/or like it was full of red, orange and yellow bushy popsicles. Either one... We drove down back through NH and into Massachussetts, and into the worst Bostonian traffic you've ever seen. Have I mentioned that Bostonians are not known for being polite? It took us an hour just to go a few miles. And our hotel tonight is literally in the heart of downtown Boston, so Matt nearly had an anxiety attack just trying to get around. We eventually decided to drop our rental car off a day early, and take the T, their subway station, into downtown and into the coolest downtown mall and food and shopping area you've ever seen! So much fun! Although Matt did not enjoy the street violin player demanding him to put money into his box (we were just walking by, we didn't even stop!). So now we're back at our hotel and will fly back to Missoula in the morning.
I think before you die, you must see New England in the fall. Reba McEntire was not lying (or whoever sang about it... was there a song about it? Okay, if not, there should be...).

Acts Fellowship

2008-09-04T13:28:00.000-06:00

Above are a couple of pictures of our friends here...
Last night I experienced such incredible fellowship in the body of Christ. Our home group had dinner together; everybody brought something, and we all crowded around the dinner table eating, sharing, and laughing. Laughing so much! It was so simple and easy to do, but it brought immeasurable fulfillment and joy. And then to top it off this weekend we are taking a road trip/camping trip with 4 of our closest friends, Chris & Gloria and Brian & Kyla, to Yellowstone. We will all be driving in one car and staying in one communal cabin the entire weekend! Just a little taste of "having all things in common." I can't wait!!
Just this morning I was reading in Psalm 133:1-2,
"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
For brothers to dwell together in unity!
It is like the precious oil upon the head,
Coming down upon the beard,
Even Aaron's beard,
Coming down upon the edge of his robes..."
It fills us, it encompasses us! The joy of it flows from our head to the edge of our "robes"!

Blog world

2008-08-26T14:23:00.000-06:00

I am finally creating my own blog site, after years (okay, maybe not years) of being on the outside looking in... feels good, feels good... thanks for the acceptance, blog world. (I've written "blog" so many times, it looks like it's spelled incorrectly now...)
So today is Matt's birthday, and I have been thinking about him all day. What an incredible husband and best friend I have. I have prayed since before we were married that the Lord would make our marriage a ministry, and it's been wonderful to see it happen; I believe in large part to Matt's leadership. Matt and I feel very strongly that may the Lord remove us from ministry or any kind of ministry standing before we have a marriage and home life that's inconsistent with what we proclaim to believe. Not that we are perfect but that we together would daily seek to live lives that are pleasing to the Lord.
I cannot believe that we've been in Montana over a year now! It's been so fun to look back and reflect on the first few months here, when we were pretty sure that we'd made a huge mistake in moving here. I can't even imagine feeling that way now! We've made lifelong friends that are truly close, no pretense and the ability to be completely ourselves. We have an amazing church that truly puts Christ first, and seeks to build a church pleasing to Him, with deep roots in God's Word. I could go on and on...
Well, I will continue to post, and keep everyone abreast of our happenings here.