January 18, 2016

Does Fear Control Me After Losing Grace?

A question I've been asked from time to time is, after we lost Grace, how afraid was I with my subsequent pregnancies that something would go wrong again. Meaning, was I terrified the entire time I was pregnant with both Luke and Eden that something would happen to them too.

18 weeks pregnant with Luke. 

Lukey! Oh this boy and his chubby sweetness.


Surprisingly, the answer is no. I wasn't. I don't mean that I never had times of fear that something would happen, but I can honestly say that in no way did fear control my pregnancies.

I never wrote about this publicly, but when I was 13 weeks pregnant with Eden I woke up in a puddle of blood, similar to when I hemorrhaged with Luke. We were completely devastated, thinking for sure we had lost the baby in my belly. We went to the ER where the (unsympathetic) doctor used an ultrasound machine from what looked like the 1830s to find that there was, shockingly, still a steady heartbeat.

38 weeks pregnant with Eden.

I was eventually diagnosed with a complete placenta previa and put on very strict orders to do nothing. Which is so totally doable when you have 3 kids under 5 at home.

I'll have to tell the full story some day but the Lord miraculously healed me of that and I went on to have a healthy pregnancy.

But even with that, fear did not control me. And this may sound strange, but in large part, it was because of losing Grace that fear didn't control me.

Sweet Eden.

Today marks 3 years since our world turned upside down. On January 18th, 2013 we went in for what we thought would be a routine appointment where all our concerns would be laid to rest with her irregular heartbeat, only to find that things were much, much worse than we could have ever imagined.

For me my life will always be divided into before and after this day.

But when people ask me about fear, I tell them the same thing. If there's one thing I learned from losing Grace, it's that I can trust God's character. I can, and do, trust and believe that he's kind and good and faithful and if he allows something painful, he'll give me everything I need to walk through the fire, with him steadfastly at my side, on my side, for me, with me.

I learned that I have no control over life and death, and all the worrying in the world didn't add a single hour to her life.

Fear didn't change anything, except me. Fear made me angry. Fear stole my peace. Fear kept me up at night. Fear made me scramble for control.

When I was pregnant with Luke and Eden, sure, I had moments of what if? but I refused to let them stay for long. When those thoughts came, I would pray as specifically as possible for them, for their growth and their health and their life and their character, but ultimately I let God carry the burden.

Life and death are in his hands, and I couldn't know the future but I could know him.

So today on this day that marks a sad anniversary for us, I hope you're encouraged to know you don't have to live in fear. You don't have to let fear make you angry, steal your peace and your joy, keep you awake at night, tormented by thoughts of what if.

You can trust the God who holds your life in his hands. Is this a guarantee that you'll be kept from all suffering? Nope. Nobody is immune to suffering and it will visit us all at some point.

But true peace doesn't come from immunity, it comes from knowing the One who knows all things.

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