But I'm humbling myself again and putting it out there that this is a journey and some days are darker than others and some seasons are more wintry than others, and two days ago I found myself flung back into the darkness and the cold. Right on the heels of a particularly refreshing and encouraging season, I might add.
Simply put, I would so love and appreciate your prayers.
I am 29 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I was 30 weeks pregnant when we lost Grace and 30 weeks and 1 day when I delivered her. I have a full week ahead of me to remind me of those final days, and the memories and reliving have already begun in crushing measure. And then I have the beginning of April to relive when we were in Seattle and learned of her severely worsened heart failure and subsequent grim prognosis for making it to 34 weeks. And then I have April 26th, the day she was born into our arms, still and silent.
It feels un-doable, quite frankly.
And on top of that I'm preparing and studying to speak at this conference (which you should go to, by the by), and while the Lord has planted seeds of direction and insight, it's not all coming together. So I find myself having anxiety and fear thrown in for extra measure. Again, at this moment, it all feels rather not doable.
So I'm not sure how else to ask except - would you please pray for me?
I'm not even sure exactly what to ask specifically for. For this coming week. For the coming month. For the conference. If there is anything that terrifies me, it's going where God is not. It's quite the story about my agreeing to speak at this conference (and also quite the honor) but the Lord was absolutely behind it. So I trust that he's in this. But I need more trust to make it to the finish line.
So there it is. It's so incredibly hard to ask for help, to put myself out there, to be in such a needy spot, but the prayers of the saints are worth it to me.
Thank you. So much love to you all, more than you know.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
2nd Corinthians 12:9