December 10, 2013

When Your Soul is Tired of Being Bared, You Take a Break

A couple cute pictures (please ignore my ridiculous bad quality phone pictures, my I-phone hates me) to make up for my bloggy silence. 

Do you die? Yes you do.

I'll give you guys FIVE crackers if you stand still. But you have to stand still. No crackers if you don't stand still. Just one good picture. Please! Micah, no. Nope. Asher, seriously. If you don't stand still, no crackers.

I've started and erased posts a thousand times the last week. I can't seem to know what I want to write about since I've taken my social media hiatus. A few weeks ago I could not escape the conviction that God was wanting me to take a step back. It was timely too because my soul was needing a break from the constant baring and my mind was needing a break from the constant consuming. Sometimes life just needs to be simple for awhile.

I'm back to an extent. I still don't scroll through Facebook, except for the few posts at the top and only sometimes. I'm mostly on there to keep in touch with my Bible study group. I had taken a break from reading blogs as well but I'm back to reading those.

It felt good to step back. It felt good to live life in real life. We went to Chuck E. Cheese in Spokane the weekend after Thanksgiving and at one point it hit me that I wasn't stopping everything I was doing to photo-document it for the world to see. It was freeing. (Not that I'm against that and I'll probably document from time to time in the future; I just noticed that I wasn't compelled to anymore.)

So anyways, now that I'm back I'm not quite sure what to write about.

I'm feeling much better morning-sickness wise. Sometimes I have a little lingering left but for the most part it's gone, thank you Jesus. I'm also learning that being pregnant after a stillbirth is complicated. When I found out I was pregnant with this little one I was over the moon excited. But when you're pregnant so soon after a loss the thought eventually hits you that you wouldn't have this child if you hadn't lost your previous one and then you don't know how to feel about that. Because honestly I would rather have Grace in my arms than be pregnant again right now. But then that means I wouldn't have this child in my belly. And I want this child in my belly. I want both. But I can't have both. Which can be incredibly infuriating. So I swung (swing) back and forth between happiness for this child and just wanting Grace back.

The busy season is wrapping up for us around here. I have one week left in both studies that I'm in and Matt has less than two weeks left of school. This has been his hardest semester yet and he's feeling every single bit of it. I just want to stop and think about the fact that my husband works full-time and is in an incredibly demanding full-time medical graduate program and he's still totally present with the boys and I. Amazing. But it also means that he makes big sacrifices with everything else; it doesn't come at a small cost.

Our pastor made a comment this Sunday that reminds me of this season in particular - Do what God has given you the grace to do. (Something like that.) It's true. God has opened the doors to Matt's schooling all along the way the last several years and he's continually given him the grace and ability he needs to complete every term and to do it well. So super duper thankful for that and super duper snooper pooper scooper thankful for my husband.

And now some pictures to make up for my absence.

A little snuggly-buggly cartoon-watching action.

I finished this book in a day and a half. I was basically unfit for parenting while I was reading it.

Not good quality but I could die. The clasped hands. Stop it.

Yes, yes, and double yes. Do not think too deeply about the amount of sugar in this drink.

Gave myself a black eye, thanks to early morning chatter in the boys' room. Note to self: doors are still present even if you can't see them.

My sister-in-law got these for us and I think it's not unsafe to say that I'm a better person now.

Ahhh, this feels good. I've missed all of you.


  1. I don't know if I've ever told you this - and that in itself is inexcusable - but I LOVE YOU! Your daring life and courage to walk the path laid before you - I still find myself reading your blogs saying "I know her! How cool is that!?"
    You inspire me to dream. Being the hard core OCD planner-doer I am - that's big stuff. Thanks for coming back - and for shaming me with your awesome-not-awful awful photos....can't wait to read more.

    1. Jen, you are sooo sweet! I really, really hope we can make it back to Durango someday sooner rather than later! Thank you again for being so encouraging! :)

  2. You know Sara, you really are something else. The authenticity of your being, your essence, who you are--it just moves me.

    1. Andrea, this moves me. Thank you so much, my funny friend.

  3. I want both, too. Such a weird reality.

    1. Seems impossible too unless you're actually living it. Agh.