July 31, 2013

These Are the Kinds of Friendships I Want

I haven't written a lot lately. Partly because my computer was in hospice and partly because I've tried to be more intentional about living real life with real people. For so long most of my "friendships" and social life were online. I communicated with people through Facebook messages and posts on their wall and the occasional text but I rarely connected with them in real life or through actual calling and if I did it definitely wasn't on a regular basis.

Just prior to and most certainly during and after we went through everything with Grace one of the things I was realizing is how important and invaluable real life relationships are. I was starting to shed some of the bad habits I'd picked up in the previous years and starting to get intentional about being a good friend.

No more not answering my phone (most of the time). No more making up excuses for why I can't hang out. No more selfishly guarding my time. No more weighing how much something will require of me before I commit. No more not picking up the phone to call someone when I know they're going through something difficult. No more feeling lonely and unknown.

I've been both the receiver and giver of bad friendships. I've both not called someone when I should have and not been called when I should have. I've been the family member not to call and I've been the one the family member didn't call. And it didn't matter until it mattered. I was okay living a mostly independent life. But then the bottom fell out and it wasn't okay anymore. I would've drowned in anxiety and grief if I hadn't had the people around me I do helping me bear my burdens.

And I don't want to go back. I don't want to fall back into my old habits that resulted in mostly surface living with others. It's easy to get together and have a good time with people. It's hard to break down in front of somebody and admit you don't feel like trusting, you feel like being angry. It's easy to have lots of people over at one time. It's hard to invite just one person over and do the hard and sometimes awkward work of getting to know someone. It's easy to make small talk at church. It's hard to get together on a weekly basis and share where you're really at - the fears, disappointments, convictions, hopes, prayers.

I remember someone I used to know telling me her phone hadn't rung in at least two weeks from a friend. At the time I thought, Well, mine hasn't either. I can honestly say I can't honestly say that anymore.

And it didn't start by me waiting for somebody to be a good friend to me. I had to get real about it. I had to confront head-on that I was lonely because my relationships were mostly surface. I had to admit that it was mostly my fault. I was being relationally lazy.

I started taking notice of people around me who had rich friendships and the qualities they possessed. I watched and watched and learned and learned. I started to do as they did.

I committed to answering my phone most of the time (unless I really couldn't at the moment). I committed to saying yes if I didn't have a legitimate reason to say no. I committed to loving others well and seeking their good. I committed to striving to be a person that others wanted to be around and not someone who drug them down. I committed to getting to know others well and not just talk about myself because we should be getting to know others and not just making ourselves known.

And I began to bear the richest fruit of friendships. And wouldn't you know God's perfect timing because not long after all this we received Grace's diagnosis and went on to walk (and continue to walk) the toughest season of our lives. But I wasn't alone. I can't remember a doctor's appointment where I didn't receive multiple texts and messages asking how it went and to let me know they were praying. They held prayer showers, prayed weekly at Bible study, called, came over, cooked meals.

Rich, authentic relationships are so worth it. They're worth the awkward beginnings, the forced phone calls, the giving when you'd rather stay home, the time required.

I want real life friendships. I want the richness of actually sitting across from someone and being able to see their eyes when they share their latest struggle or joy. I want the friends that I see or call or text on a daily basis. I want the friends that my kids know by name. I want the friends who are village-ing my children and me, theirs.

So that means less time posting pictures of me hanging out with friends and just hanging out with friends.

July 24, 2013

What Do You Think - Do the Boys Look Like Each Other?

Oh. Hello.

It's like I haven't seen you in a couple weeks. But that's because a certain child whom I shall leave unnamed whose name rhymes with Basher/Crasher/Trasher (hmm...fitting, no?) sent my computer to its near death. Thus requiring many a day in the arms of another. And only yesterday did I receive it back as my own.

May I never type on an iPad again, forever and ever, amen and amen.

I was recently talking with a friend about genetics (seeing as how my husband has passed on nigh unto none of his genes to our sons, save a chin dimple) and I said that I would go back and post some side by sides of Micah and Asher to compare once and for all how much they do or don't favor each other.

Here is Micah at 18 months and Asher at just a few days old.

In the following pictures, Asher is on the left and Micah is on the right.

I recently came across some baby pictures of Matt and after discussing how much the boys don't look like him, Matt said he had some questions of his own. :) The boys just don't look anything like him!

Asher (L), Matt (center), and Micah (R)

This stuff is so fascinating to me. Unfortunately I don't have many pictures of me as a baby. I'll have to track down the ones my mom does have and see how they compare. The one below is the four of us at roughly the same age. 

Interesting, no? What about you, do you bear striking resemblances to your parents or children? 

July 08, 2013

July 4th, Grace's Due Date

I've never been so happy for a day to be done and over with in my entire life than July 4th. Grace's due date. I dreaded the day for days and weeks. My sweet friend texted me on Wednesday to let me know she was praying and to ask how I was doing and I replied that Thursday felt insurmountable, like I couldn't even see Friday. But as days tend to do, they pass. And her day was here before I could quite wrap my mind around it.

I cried off and on the whole day. It's hard not to think about the what-should've-beens. I can scarcely think about them now, much less write them out. The Lord was merciful though in that I had an extra-sweet time that morning in his Word and in prayer. He reminded me again that true joy comes from him and there's more to this story than I can see right now.

One of the passages I read was Habakkuk 3:17-19. In a nutshell - though everything should stink and things not turn out the way I want, "Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation" (vs.18).

Learning that lesson over and over (and over and over).

We wanted to do something special for her on her day so we brought her flowers and visited her as a family.

My mom made this with the boys' handprints. Isn't that beautiful? She's so sweet.

The sunflowers I picked out for my girl.

Matt's mom and step-dad were in town visiting and I'm so glad they could be here on such a difficult day.

Yes, we do, Baby Girl. Yes, we do. Not a day goes by that you don't consume my thoughts.

A huge milestone is past and it didn't kill me (even though there were moments that day it felt like it would). We continue to move forward and live life without our girl. Sometimes I wonder, How is this our story? I look back to the weeks of bliss when I was only pregnant and had none of the impending devastation and I wonder, How did this happen? How did we get here? Sometimes it still feels like I'm on the outside looking in on someone else's life.

I am so thankful for the thoughtfulness of my family and friends that day. The flowers delivered and brought by, the texts, the messages, the posts, the prayers. I was determined to find some joy in the day and I did. And where I lacked, others brought it to me.

We ended the day at our city's fireworks show. One son asleep in my arms and the other asleep in Matt's as we watched the fireworks explode in the sky and my heart felt full. Before I knew it the day was over. We had survived. And I've never been so happy to see July 5th in my entire life.