But this time it was different - I could recall it.
I don't often memorize Scripture through rote memorization. I usually memorize through reading it on the page (seeing it in my mind's eye - word placement and structure) and then using it (saying it back or to someone). So that's what I did. The word placement wasn't quite right as I said it, so in my mind's eye I rearranged it until it fit...and it finally did!
(That was really driving me crazy.)
But it was timely because I'm beginning to feel the fog lift. I'm reintegrating back into "normal" life (our new normal at least) and it doesn't feel as fearful as it did.
I still feel the pain deeply. And triggers are often unexpected, which means I usually have no time to prepare for the physical pain I literally feel in my heart and stomach at missing her. But daily I feel strength returning in small measures.
In the beginning my sorrow was so fresh and deep that I needed to step back and hunker down with those closest to me. Real life people. Flesh and blood people. I cut out everything superficial. Facebook. Hulu. Instagram. Blogs. Social events. In my raw pain, everything else felt shallow and undeserving.
(Undeserving may be a strange word to use but I can only describe it as those things didn't feel worthy to me of the pain I was experiencing.)
But now I'm slowly reintegrating. Taking it one day at a time. And learning that I cannot take for granted that all is well.
But oh the grace. Beautiful amazing grace.
Some time back I had mentioned that some friends (and one girl that I didn't then know but I now know and am so happy that I now know) wanted to do a fundraiser for us since at that time our plans were to relocate to Seattle indefinitely for Grace's surgeries and care. About a day or two after Grace passed, Sarah (my friend and one of the coordinators) came to see us. She hated to have to talk about it but she said if we were willing, everyone still wanted to do the fundraiser.
Matt and I were very conflicted and said we'd let her know by the end of the night. Eventually we agreed because they had put so much hard work into it and we hated to let them down or have it be wasted, and because we knew if the roles were reversed, we would absolutely still want to do it for our friends.
We had no clue the outpouring of love and support we would get. No clue! That night and this week we have been floored time and time again at the stories of people's giving and generosity. We didn't go, as our grief still felt so raw and overwhelming, but nonetheless the outpouring! The burden-bearing!
We absolutely could not in a thousand years adequately express how humbled, thankful, and forever touched we are by the hundreds of you that gave and loved us so lavishly.
Thank you more than we could ever fully say. And I'll repeat what I've prayed since that night - Lord, please return it back on their heads. Please bless them in return beyond what we could think to ask for.
Amen and amen.
(Several people have told me they're having trouble commenting. That should hopefully be fixed now. I love reading your comments and respond back when I can so hopefully this fixes the problem...)