May 17, 2013

Navigating Our New World

We moved into our new place last Saturday and haven't had internet so I've been having serious Writer's Withdrawal. I have at least three different posts I want to write but we will only have internet for 12 more hours and then not again until next week. (Long story.) So I'll write what I can with the little time I have.

First, to the sweet girl who sent this...

Thank you. I absolutely love it and I especially love that it plays Amazing Grace. That was so thoughtful and kind.

Also. Safety first.

Because our plans changed so drastically for the future after Grace passed (we were no longer relocating to Seattle for her care), we had very little time to find a rental in town as our closing date on our house was just three weeks away. We had absolutely no luck finding a suitable option that met the needs of our family, our future, and my cat of almost twelve years. So last week we said yet another goodbye.

Saying goodbye to Cyrus.

Oh Cyrus. We've walked many a journey together. Break-ups. Heartache. Roommates. Changes. Moves. Marriage. Children. Loss.

But to be quite honest, compared to losing Grace, the pain of giving him up doesn't even register. My entire heart is wrapped up in Grace and navigating the pain of losing her.

I stopped by Dr. Hardy's (our pediatric cardiologist) office yesterday to drop off a card. We were able to visit for about a half hour but prior to that, as I waited for him in the same chair that I often sat in as we waited for our weekly appointments, I nearly had an anxiety attack. I was completely bowled over with the memories of the deep anxiety each appointment held and the feelings of devastation that often followed, particularly towards the end. I really thought I was going to have to leave immediately.

Experiences like that are astonishing to me because I've never been one to have strong attachments to places or things. I've also never worn my heart on my sleeve and am not often prone to emotional outbursts, so when I see the different ways grief usurps my natural order, it's unsettling.

It seems loss has a way of unearthing every deep fear you've ever had.

(But more on that next time.)

And now, one last picture. My mom called me the day before Mother's Day and asked if I could meet her at Grace's resting place. Honestly, I was terrified. I hadn't been there since the day of her service and I knew it would unleash a torrent of emotions.

But we walked up to find this.

I knelt and wept.

It was beautiful. And perhaps one of the most touching and meaningful things anyone has ever done for me.

I was right, it did unleash a torrent of emotions but it also brought a healing balm to my heart that I hadn't expected. It's hard to describe but I felt a closeness to Grace that I'd desperately lacked since the moment we handed her to a stranger and watched her taken away. I know she's not really there. I know she's in Paradise with the Creator and King of all the universe. But it was still healing. And I can't wait to visit again.

Thank you, mama.


  1. Hugs and continued prayers for you both!

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  3. That is so so beautiful. Sara, your Mom never ceases to amaze me with her generosity and the many different ways she shows her love for everyone. She is truly an inspirational woman. It warms my heart to hear that healing is taking place. I proudly have shared Grace with my closest friends and they all agree she is absolutely beautiful. We love you both and always will hold her close to my heart and very visable within our family.


    1. I'm so blessed to have you both in my life. Grace is beautiful. I always miss her. :)

  4. I love love the words you spoke...they keep me focused on what's important.

    1. Thank you, Molli. You always encourage me. I'm better for knowing you, my friend. :)