May 21, 2013

Grief, Anger, and Rainbows

Nobody ever told me grief could look so much like anger.

I had to change the header on my blog. I was getting tired of yelling, Stop being so freaking HAPPY! in my mind every time I looked at it.

See?

I've cried every day for weeks now. Even before Grace passed I was crying everyday, the weight of her condition crushing on my heart. Except a few days ago I realized at the end of the day I hadn't cried. And then that made me want to cry.

I think people who interact with me in real life would be surprised to read this because outwardly I appear like I'm coping pretty well. But it's the private moments when I fall apart and I wonder if I will ever feel "normal" again, whatever normal used to be.

I guess the days when I could not associate everything back to Grace.

Today is Tuesday. I should be 33 weeks and 5 days. 

July 4th. I dread that day. I should have a little girl dressed in red, white, and blue. 

You lost your brother-in-law April 27th, two days after we lost Grace. 

That little girl's middle name is Grace and she walks holding her Daddy's hand. Grace would've too. 

Elvis' birthday is January 8th. We found out about Grace's condition January 18th. 

April Fool's Day we were in Seattle. We got the news of her heart failure April 2nd. 

They're going to the zoo? I was pregnant with Grace at the zoo. I waddled around all day long. 

That park. We were there the day before Grace passed. Somehow I knew it was close. I cried all day long.

Grief is angering. It's angering because there's no way around it but straight through it. It's not like other situations, like a difficult relationship (and believe me I have those too), where you can walk away for awhile. Clear your head, gain some perspective.

I can't walk away from me. It's my heart that's the holding place for all this pain and loss.

I was telling a friend recently though that I feel like I have a deeper understanding of the spiritual world because I literally feel people's prayers for me. What's happening in the spiritual I'm experiencing tangibly in this world. I actually feel comfort and grace and peace.

The other night (the night of The Rainbow - I'll explain in a minute) I was driving home and I had this overwhelming feeling of being loved. Which, for perfectionist personalities like mine, is pretty amazing. Oftentimes I feel like if I'm not getting it exactly "right" all the time, then everything about me is wrong.

(Can anybody else relate? Tell me I'm not the only one.)

But as I drove home by myself I was awash with such a feeling of being loved, it took me completely aback. I soaked it in, thinking, I AM loved. That's amazing. I'm loved.

See?

Your prayers are taking root and bearing fruit in my (our) life.

So thank you.

Now, about The Rainbow. (Actually, it was a full double rainbow. Even more amazing.)

I was driving to meet Matt a couple nights ago and suddenly this rainbow appeared and shot out a trillion watts of brilliance, literally causing me to veer my car off the road, jump out and try in my finite mind to take it in. At one point I was walking around trying to find the best view to capture it with my phone and I was talking out loud the entire time, Lord, you're AMAZING. I can't BELIEVE it. You're amazing, absolutely amazing. Oh my gosh, this is UNREAL.

And so on and so forth. But it totally exploded my brain for Eternity because I actually wanted it to stop. It was so beautiful and so brilliant that I couldn't take it any more. The literal testimony of Creation to the Creator was too much, my finite brain couldn't hold it all in. So when the clouds moved and the sun was hidden and it disappeared, I was actually relieved.

Isn't that interesting? No wonder people fell on their faces when they encountered God in the Bible. We're simply unable to be unaffected in the presence of such holiness and splendor. And no wonder John, the writer of Revelation, used the word like so many times. There's just no accurately describing such beauty and brilliance.

So here it is - The Rainbow. In unfiltered splendor.


The heavens declare the glory of God, 
and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.
Psalm 19:1

14 comments:

  1. I was just sitting here having a pity party for myself and Eric was showing me all the positives in my pity party (my whining) and I wasn't having it....yes, perfection, I strive for but perfection I am not. Thank you for snapping me out of my pity party with your very true words.

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    1. I continually remind myself of God's grace and that I'm loved ALWAYS, not because I'm getting it "right." :)

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  2. I can so relate to the struggle of always wanting to be perfect and being frustrated and disappointed when I am not. It's hard to accept God's grace and love, but God loves us unconditionally. We cannot do anything more or less to earn His love. It's amazing to think about. His love is overwhelming.

    What a beautiful picture of the rainbow and such a gift for you to experience that.

    Thanks for sharing your heart!

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    1. Well said, Lindsay! Love you, sweet girl.

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  3. NO, you are definitely NOT the only one. I wonder if it's a trait true to perfectionists, or just women in general. Our thoughts are so spaghetti-like I think it would be hard to feel like a failure in one area without indelibly feeling like a failure in so many more. Negativity begets negativity... I can totally relate. Why is it we are the hardest on ourselves? We should be ourselves best friends. I mean, who knows us like we do? And yet so often, grace is lacking. Thank you for sharing your heart and reminding me that even though we all have different personalities and struggles, we serve the same God and at heart are only human.
    <3 <3 <3

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  4. Well said, Sara. Truly well said.

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    1. Gabi, you're so sweet and encouraging. :)

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  5. Thank you for writing, Sara. Grief is certainly so much like anger and the more you ignore it and try to cope with the pain the more it hurts. Straight through it. Ugh.
    The verse that comes to mind when I think of you..."I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living". I will. You will. You are lifted in prayer often.
    May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you. Somehow He makes beautiful things out of the dark.

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    1. You have no idea how much that verse has meant to me at so many different times but particularly now! Thank you for reminding me.

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  6. Sara, thanks for being real and loving God enough to see beauty in the ashes...I've also lost a daughter too young and know the pain of a swollen empty belly.As I read what you write I cry for you and Matt and the boys and the ache you feel. I know the pain of hearing someone say sweet platitudes however true (or truly stupid!). I pray for God's love and His sovereign goodness to penetrate every fiber of your being.
    holding your hearts before the throne, in prayer,
    Kimberly

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    1. I'm so sorry you lost your daughter. Heaven will be a beautiful time of reuniting. :) Thank you for praying for us.

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  7. Sara, thanks for being transparent and sharing your thoughts and emotions with us. My daughter was born at 24 weeks 6 years ago. During that time I felt exactly as you described

    "I was telling a friend recently though that I feel like I have a deeper understanding of the spiritual world because I literally feel people's prayers for me. What's happening in the spiritual I'm experiencing tangibly in this world. I actually feel comfort and grace and peace."

    That is how I felt. I could literally feel the prayers and supernatural strength that I have never experienced in my life! All I could think of was the story of Moses who was winning the battle when his arms were up. He grew tired but then others came and held his arms up for him. Through prayer others hold us up when we cannot possibly have the strength to stand or go on.

    Praying for you and your family!

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  8. Miss Sara,
    I have been following your story and your journey with baby Grace since I saw a shared link from Jen D. I have read your words, prayed and cried about what has happened to yourself and your family. I find you a true inspiration to me. Your strength and courage to go on and your willingness to share your feelins with all of us is amazing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family always through these times and through the future. God Bless you.

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