March 08, 2013

The Struggle With This Journey

I've had a lot to say but I haven't wanted to write. Well, I've wanted to write (free therapy) but I haven't been sure how to write.

Honestly, I feel mad today. I went to bed mad last night. I spent a lot of time last night reading through blogs of families who have gone and are going through this same process - the unexpected diagnosis of a congenital heart defect, the uncertainties, the fears, the surgeries, the hospitals, the sweet baby faces, the praises, the losses, the grief. I hate it. I hate what these sweet babies have to go through.

This morning a friend sent me a blog of another family from Montana who also have a daughter with a heart defect (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome) and today is being born via C-section. (Please be praying for her and her upcoming surgery.) I related with her 1000% on everything she's written. Seeing God's hand and provision and care and kindness and yet the deep sadness and fear and worry. Somehow knowing that this is not by chance that it's your family experiencing this and yet not wanting any part of it to be true for your little girl, or anybody else's little girl for that matter.

I long for redemption. I long for the day when Jesus makes all things new.

But I am so thankful, so deeply, soul-deep thankful for the people that God puts in our path in this lifetime. We could not do this alone. I think I've erred on the side of trying not to talk about this too much with others because I don't want to make other people sad or always be making things about me and what I'm going through, but I've found that I'm starting to feel like a pressure cooker.

The other night I went to a baby shower and a friend asked me how I was and how things are going and there was something so open about her that I felt like I could be honest and not put my Good Face on. I'm not sure she knows just how much she encouraged me or how much I needed that. I came home and told Matt that my soul felt full.

We've had several appointments with doctors the last couple of weeks and I'll update on those soon but today I felt the need to write feelings, not facts.

Here's an updated belly picture (not the best). Today I'm 23 weeks and 1 day but I took this picture at 22 weeks and 5 days so it's close. Baby Grace is growing great, thank the Lord.