Oh my goodness, we have been completely blown away at the response of everyone. I hope I don't sound like a broken record, but please know we are so, so thankful and completely floored at everyone's love and care and concern and prayers.
Today was actually the hardest day for me since we heard the news on Friday. It was probably partly due to Matt being back at work and partly because I like the sitcom version of life better sometimes. Everything gets wrapped up in 30 minutes with happy endings.
I think today I realized more fully that this will not be a quick, easy journey with quick, easy answers.
All day I struggled. I snapped at the boys constantly. I cried at the breakfast table out of the blue. I ignored calls and texts. I was restless. Worried. I felt such a darkness around my heart and mind and I struggled to stay in the Light of truth. That God is trustworthy. Near to me. A refuge. Able. Kind.
Last week I had just started to feel flutterings of the baby and since Friday I've desperately waited to feel them again. Pressing my belly. Lying still. Internally pleading with Baby to move, to please reassure me again and again.
I called my doctor's office this morning and talked to our favorite nurse and said I simply couldn't wait until our next appointment with the perinatologist in February to check Baby's heart rate and condition, I needed to know sooner and more often. In the kindness that I've only come to expect from them, she said I can come in every day if I wanted.
So this afternoon I dropped the boys off with my parents and went in.
The nurse and I spent time talking and even praying. (We know this nurse well as she is a strong believer in Christ and has been with us every pregnancy from beginning to end, and we cannot express how much we love and appreciate her.)
My heart was so anxious, all I wanted was to hear the reassuring sound of Baby's heartbeat. She tried a couple different things but was unable to get a reading. She said, I'm sorry, honey, I'm just not sure I'm getting it. Let's move you to the ultrasound room and have [the midwife] look.
Those 10 minutes of waiting were long. I prayed, Please, Lord, let the heartbeat be there. You call into existence things that do not exist (Romans 4). Please let this heartbeat be there.
I had sent an SOS text to Matt (who works next door) and he came right over. I also sent a quick prayer text to some friends to ask them to pray. The midwife came in and our much-loved nurse stayed with us as the midwife began the ultrasound. The baby came on the screen and immediately she said, Yep, there's a heartbeat.
And here's where we give a GIANT praise to the living God who hears our prayers!
The heartbeat was 115 BPM!
She measured again several minutes later and it was 116 BPM!
This is extremely encouraging news and something we specifically asked prayers for!
As this was not the perinatologist we will still have to wait for our appointment with them to again see the structure of the heart and everything to do with that, but this is still great, great news!
Matt and I could not stop smiling and have thanked the Lord continually.
Thank you for praying. And please keep praying. We are so encouraged. I know that we still have a difficult journey ahead. And I know there will be more days like today. But we're thankful and we're encouraged and we will strive to "give thanks in all circumstances, because this is God's will in Christ Jesus for [us]" (1 Thessalonians 5:18).