I took a big risk today. A big risk for me anyways. Actually probably a big risk for most people.
I've mentioned before that I'm a very social person. I love meeting people, I love being around people, I love getting to know people. I love people in general. I'm also always watching people, always, and I'm learning more from you than you'll probably ever know.
But as much as I like people, I'm not really good at the icky love stuff (remember that scene under the bridge on the boat with Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding?).
I want all the close relationship, share-y, close-knit BFFs kind of stuff, but I'm not good on the journey to getting there. Which is why I oftentimes use humor to deflect an otherwise tender moment.
(It's a wonder I'm married, no?)
But today I took a big risk and laid it all out there.
(Ok, now I'm exaggerating when I say I laid it all out there, because really I just made a passing comment.)
(I'm pretty sure this person does not read my blog.)
(If they do, well...now this is awkward.)
This past year we've gone through quite a series of advenures, if you will. Otherwise known as really crappity-crap crapstick. As a result of our church dealing with some issues of their own and us taking a gigantic step away, we lost our main supply line for relationships.
We still kept in touch with a few people but mostly we felt isolated. And it begin to dawn on me for the first time that I actually really need people, as much as I have this I'm-pretty-good-on-my-own-but-thanks kind of thing down. And not just in a social-club-laughy-daffy-satisfy-my-sanguine-personality kind of way but in a confidante-I-need-help-I'm-not-all-together-like-I-seem-and-I'm-drowning-alone kind of way.
But we had to be so careful because the situation and resulting situations were so delicate that I couldn't just fully be to the first person who would hear me. So mostly we kept quiet, endured the rumors and isolation, and let God be our defender. But God, in his great kindness and affection, saw my desperate need for a friend in a relatable place of life who had the potential to get me on all sorts of levels.
I fear this is sounding very me-centered. I hope not. Because really what this looked like on the outside was this: We went about our daily lives, normal and functioning, still trying to stay connected even if it was mostly shallow, but on the inside I really, really wanted a friend I could confide in.
(I think I may have the gift of melodrama.)
So I met this girl in a very unlikely place in a very unusual set of circumstances that I think only the Lord could orchestrate and from the moment we first hung out I totally clicked with her. On like a thousand levels. So ever since I've been secretly hoping that she felt the same way and we could totally be BFFs for life.
(Again, if she reads this blog...)
(Just kidding. Again it's really not this melodramatic. My gifting: see above.)
Anyways, it's just been so fun to hang out and have it be so easy to just be myself with someone. And today we were talking about which Bible study we're going to choose tomorrow since a new session is starting and this is where I totally put myself out there. I put myself in the icky love place. I said, Really, I don't care which one I'm in, I'll get something out of any of them. Honestly, I'd like to be in the one you're in. (type-type: smiley face).
I deleted it, retyped it, stared at it for a long time, stared at it some more, kept it, and then pressed Send.
And guess what? It actually was not that big of a deal. Not like the time my husband told me he loved me for the first time and I said, Thanks.
How about you? What's hardest for you to overcome in friendships?
Consider "Joining this Site"?