August 26, 2012

To My Husband on His 30th Birthday

I looked across the circle of people at you. He looks sad.

Something twisted in my heart for you. I felt sad for you but I hadn't even met you. I didn't even know your name. I didn't know that you had just packed up only what would fit in your car, gave everything else away, turned down an offer by your employers to pay for your education, left your hometown, said goodbye to your mama, and moved to a place where you had nothing waiting for you except the persistent voice of the Lord bidding you, Come.

A little while later, there, in the kitchen, you shook my hand. Hi, I'm Matt. 

I'm Sara, nice to meet you.

A couple days later I sat by myself in a coffee shop. You sat with two of my roommates a few tables away. I worked (or pretended to) for a while more, collected my stuff, and stood to leave. On my way out I stopped to chat with the three of you. Salsa music played in the background.

I glanced up at the speakers. I like this music they're playing, I love salsa music.

You smiled so big, so sincere. Me too! All of my roommates in Texas were from South America and we used to have salsa parties all the time.

I laughed. No way! I studied in Costa Rica and every weekend we went salsa dancing.

We agreed that we had to have a salsa party. My house and we'll invite everyone we know. It'll be so fun! 

I drove away thinking about the conversation. As I turned from 3rd onto Florida I thought, I can't believe I'm going to marry that guy. 

I froze. What? Where did that come from?

I called you, terrified. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to back out on the party. We should totally do it some other time though. It was good talking to you.

I didn't tell you that it was only fear that caused me to back out. Fear of that thought that had crossed my mind at the intersection. Fear of what the guy I used to date would think. Fear because really, I didn't even know you. 

You left me a message. I listened to it 347 times. I loved your voice. It was so kind but sexy too.

A few weeks of awkwardness passed. You tried to get my attention but I snubbed you at every turn. Not because I wasn't interested. But because I was too interested. Something was different about you but I couldn't take the risk. I didn't think my heart could take being broken again. So I pretended that this was all fun and games, but that night I cried alone in my bedroom.

Come in! I quickly wiped the tears away thinking it was one of my roommates.

But it wasn't. It was you. What were you thinking? Now I looked like That Girl. The unstable one. With issues. You don't even know me but now you've seen me crying. That's deep, man.

You looked startled. Oh, I'm sorry! I was just wondering where you were and thought I'd see if you were in here. Are you ok? You are? Ok, well...sorry again. 

You backed out and so did every hope of my getting to know you. I liked you so much. I was so interested in you. I just didn't know how to show you and my fear of being rejected swallowed my desire to know you. You're kind to everyone, what if I'm totally reading this wrong and you haven't really been extra kind to me?

A few days later Nadene called me. Guess who just called me and asked for your number? 

I died a little inside from happiness. For the first time in all those weeks of what I now know was pursuing I dared to hope that maybe you were being a little extra kind. I couldn't wait for you to call.

And you did. And you kept calling. And you kept reminding me, I'm in this. I'm all in. 

And on February 10th, 2007 I married that guy.

And on this, your 30th birthday, I say to you, I love you, Matt. I love you more than you'll ever know. And on those nights when I lie in bed and I think of how much I love you and Micah and Asher the very next words that tumble out of my heart, in a rush to be heard, are, Please, Lord, keep them safe always. 

I love you and I'm so glad you're not a quitter.

Happy 30th, babe.

February 10th, 2007

August 26th, 2012


3 comments:

  1. I'm crying. I love you both so dearly.

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    Replies
    1. Stacy. Oh how I love thee so much it hurts and makes me so happy we're family and we HAVE to know each other forever. :)

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  2. Thanks loves. I think I looked sad from playing catch-phrase. That game causes anxiety.

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