In light of this Pre-Mother's Day Friday, some thoughts on motherhood.
Being a mom is complex. There are so many different facets and emotions, ranging from the intensely happy to the intensely not-happy. I've found it's possible to feel opposing emotions at the exact same time. Wanting a moment to myself, but being happiest when they're with me.
Last night I drove to town expecting to meet up with friends for a women's group I'm in. I left the house early, wanting to squeeze in a couple of errands and have a little alone time. Turns out, the group was cancelled and I found myself in town with nothing but scarlet horizons and free and easy on the radar. I picked up a burrito and happily indulged in one of my favorite past times of years and years past. Eating by myself while reading a book. Oh, the quiet bliss.
Afterwards I debated heading to my favorite bookstore for another of my favorite past times. Picking through dozens of books and choosing one after another to sit down and read as much as I can before I have to leave. I decided against that and considered yet another of my favorite past times. Heading to the mall for a leisurely stroll and a healthy dose of people watching. Alas, no.
Ultimately I headed to Wal-mart (kill me a slow torturous death) to pick up a few items we needed. As I was walking in, it hit me.
I was thrilled when I found out that I was going to have an unexpected evening to myself. I couldn't wait to do what I wanted to do with no concern for schedules and nap times and Spousal Boredom.
But after less than an hour, I realized that what I really wanted was to get home to my three favorite people in the whole world. My time alone was good for a dinner hour's worth, but really that's all I needed. What I really wanted was to be with my husband and sons.
Wanting to be alone but really wanting to be with them. Sometimes, they're both true.
One of my favorite things about being a mother is the sweet secretness of it. Like those nights of cuddling them close and whispering into their ears every truth about them that I can think of. You are the apple of mommy's eye. You make mommy so happy. I love who you are. I love everything about you. You are loved more than you will ever know. You are so wanted. You were always wanted.
The tears as I've held them close and wept for every child abused and unloved and alone.
The prayers that I've spoken aloud over them, about them, for them. The conversations between me and the Lord as I've snuggled them before naptime and bedtime.
The way that I know them. Know know them. I know what that cry means and what this cry means. I know exactly what he's saying when he's frantically asking for bur and he keeps hearing, I'm sorry buddy, I don't know what you want. Butter, he's asking for butter! I yell down the hall. Obviously. How can you make it any clearer, right?
Motherhood is sweet and refining. It reminds me that I'm a sinner in desperate need of the Cross every single day. It shows me that love is deep and rich and profound and it only takes a single moment to break your heart. Like when he says so sweetly, Yove YOU, Mommy!
I love you, buddy. More than you will ever know.
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