I've mentioned before that I'm about to start a book study at our church - Beth Moore's latest book, So Long Insecurity. I also mentioned that by nature I'm not an insecure person. Well, lately I feel as if I've been attacked by Insecurity on all fronts. Or at least the fronts that can hurt the most. Marriage and friendship.
And today as we were driving, and I was lost in my own thoughts and hurt feelings, it hit me like a ton of bricks - Lord, you don't want me to just teach this study, to simply regurgitate information. You want me to get it. You want it to be personal to me. You want me to testify from a personal standpoint.
It was so clear to me.
I'm hurt. And I'm mad.
And I'm insecure. And I hate even saying it out loud.
But am I gonna teach this class from a personal standpoint, or am I gonna impassively stand up there and regurgitate information???
Because what this has done has forced me to tell the Lord how I really feel, and ask Him to heal those wounded, vulnerable parts, and to fill me with confidence from Him, and not allow anyone to steal my confidence and security.
And then Matt and I had an argument. And I wonder why I can't just get it right all the time. Why do I make the same mistakes. And let's not be benign and call them mistakes. Why do I continue to react the same sinful way?
So. I don't have any big solutions. My circumstances are the same.
Except I have an incredible comfort from the Lord that He is in this and in me, and He has some lessons for me to learn, and I don't want to miss a single one of them.