May 21, 2010

Totally Frustrated

I have exactly 35 minutes to wait to see if my mom and Chris will make their flight out of Albuquerque. Agh!!! The joys and devastations of free travel.

The only reason they are waiting for this one is because a lady stole my mom's wallet this morning and they had to miss their original flight to confront her (she never gave it back) and to cancel all of her cards and go to the DMV to get a temporary license.

I'm so furious at that lady, I can hardly handle it.

It brings me comfort to know that the Lord "despises" a lying tongue; says so right in Proverbs. I can't remember where and I don't care to look it up right now.

I just wish she had not gotten away with it, that evil had not been allowed to triumph. Especially over my mom - easily the sweetest, gentlest person on the entire planet.

So I'm writing to try and pass the time and not give in to my nerves. I'll check back in.

May 18, 2010

To My Son


My sweet baby boy,
You are almost four months old. At your last check-up, at twelve weeks, you were in the 100th percentile for weight at 16 pounds, and the 85th percentile for height. At four months old, you are already well into six-months clothing. And you are the sweetest thing I have ever laid eyes on - you have completely, completely captivated my heart. I have never loved anyone or anything so much in my entire life. You are always smiling, it takes the least bit of effort to coax one out of you. Your daddy gets you to laugh by rubbing his face in your belly; we think his beard must tickle you. You have already begun to show a preference for mom and dad, which, of course, warms our hearts. You are an excellent little traveler, from car to plane to house. You love your carseat (which acts as a sedative for you), which makes it easy for us to be out and about at any time. You began sleeping through the night at about 9 weeks, and you've always been a great nap-taker; you love your naps. A few weeks ago, you got into the habit of waking up about two times a night, for seemingly no other reason than you wanted mom to tuck you back in, but lately you've started to get back out of that habit. One of my favorite things is to go in and get you when you've woken up - your chubby little legs kick so excitedly and your whole face lights up and you always have a smile for me. I love to see your naked little body because it's nothing but rolls upon rolls. I also think you prefer to be naked which makes me wonder what life will be like when you know how to take your own clothes off. :) You have a special connection with your daddy, you will only do certain things for him, like mimic the sounds he's making. I've tried and tried but you just stare intently at my face, occasionally smiling, as if you're thinking I'm rather strange. Being your mother is so much more than I could have imagined. The joy and delight that you bring to my life is incomparable to anything else on this planet. Now, when I think about traveling and having adventures it's so much better because you're a part of it. You are the apple of my eye. You never ever have to wonder how much I love you, it's to infinity and more.

You are my son and my delight.

May 10, 2010

The One

We've all heard of The One. We spend our whole lives looking for The One.

That instant and perfect connection.

The first glimpse.

The heart flutterings.

The laughs of delight.

The happiness.

Oh, the happiness.

That's right.

Paint.

That perfect color that screams I'm The One! I was created for intimacy with your living room walls. Before your dining room wall was finished, I had it in mind.

Wilderness Sage + My Kitchen = 4Ever Love.

Except I only wish that were true.

Because I'm still looking for that perfect One. I've had several paint affairs but none that have captured my heart. Or at least my kitchen.

May 08, 2010

I'm Hurt and the Lesson is Clear

I've mentioned before that I'm about to start a book study at our church - Beth Moore's latest book, So Long Insecurity. I also mentioned that by nature I'm not an insecure person. Well, lately I feel as if I've been attacked by Insecurity on all fronts. Or at least the fronts that can hurt the most. Marriage and friendship.

And today as we were driving, and I was lost in my own thoughts and hurt feelings, it hit me like a ton of bricks - Lord, you don't want me to just teach this study, to simply regurgitate information. You want me to get it. You want it to be personal to me. You want me to testify from a personal standpoint.

It was so clear to me.

I'm hurt. And I'm mad.

And I'm insecure. And I hate even saying it out loud.

But am I gonna teach this class from a personal standpoint, or am I gonna impassively stand up there and regurgitate information???

Because what this has done has forced me to tell the Lord how I really feel, and ask Him to heal those wounded, vulnerable parts, and to fill me with confidence from Him, and not allow anyone to steal my confidence and security.

And then Matt and I had an argument. And I wonder why I can't just get it right all the time. Why do I make the same mistakes. And let's not be benign and call them mistakes. Why do I continue to react the same sinful way?

So. I don't have any big solutions. My circumstances are the same.

Except I have an incredible comfort from the Lord that He is in this and in me, and He has some lessons for me to learn, and I don't want to miss a single one of them.

May 05, 2010

Marriage Expert I am Not

Motherhood is the purest love I've ever experienced.

I love my husband to death, and I love who he is, but part of that love is fueled or depleted by his love and actions towards me. And I don't mean that in a negative way, only in a realistic way. We fuel each other's love for us, although we're committed to loving each other no matter what. And part of growing up in Christ is loving each other even in the moments of unlovabilityness. Or something.

And I think marriage experts would agree, and I do.

(Just kidding, I'm sooo not a marriage expert. Although I do have a good memory and can spew marriage facts like I am, only to "forget" them when it may apply to me.)

But.

But.

The love I have for Micah is neither fueled or depleted by anything he does or doesn't do. It's just there. In the fullest measure that I think is sometimes humanly possible.

He breaks my heart into a million pieces. In a good way. I absolutely want the best for him at all times, regardless of the sacrifice it requires of me. In fact, it makes the sacrifice an act of love, not an act of obligation.

I do, on a teeny, tiny scale, understand a little bit more of the Father's love for me.