September 25, 2009

Tired of Pretending

Sorry I haven't been writing much. I haven't been feeling very inspired. I also haven't felt much like being transparent or vulnerable. I think I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now.

We have a lot of going on in our lives. A lot of decisions ahead of us. All made more serious by the fact that we will soon be entrusted with the life of a little boy - sweet Milo. (He's kicking up a storm as I write this.)

I could not be happier that I married the man that I did. Yesterday we talked for a long time about the decisions ahead of us, and I just rejoiced inwardly in how godly my husband is, and how much alike we are in our adventurous spirits.

We have two potential paths ahead of us. One is secure, familiar, esteemed, requires little change, and is basically safe. The other could not be more different. It's unfamiliar, unknown, scary, completely different, and requires complete and total trust in the Lord to head into unchartered territory.

We don't know yet concretely what the Lord's direction is, but we have a good idea, and we're both pretty sure it's not the safe route. But both of us desire that. We'd rather error on the side of having to have faith and sacrifice. You know, I'm always hesitant to try and describe what I'm like, and what my dreams are, because I'm afraid people may get the wrong idea. I'm afraid that when I'm describing what I'm like, or the things that scare me or make me sad, they think I'm saying those things are wrong.

Make sense? I'll try to explain.

For me, I have an innate sense of adventure, and desire to go new places and do new things. Traveling in new cultures and visiting different countries is part of what drives me. I love the thought of living life for the Lord, doing His work, in various different countries. I simply can't explain the depth of it. From literally the first day that Matt and I hung out, it was a part of our conversation. And the same is true of Matt (praise the Lord - He knew what He was doing).

When I think of simply buying a house, "settling down", raising our children in a safe and predictable environment, living the Christian American dream, it literally makes me so sad, I want to cry. But here's where I fear people misunderstand me. I'm not saying those things are wrong, and people are less in my mind for doing that or for desiring that. I don't think that all. I'm just saying that it could not be more different from who I am and what I desire.

And for fear of offending people, or misunderstanding me, I simply try to stay quiet, and pretend that all Matt and I want to do is have this baby and finally get what it means to settle down. But for both Matt and I, expecting a baby has only deepened our convictions that the way the Lord has fashioned us, and the desires and dreams He's given us, is to go out and do the adventurous, pioneering thing. And please don't misunderstand me. Not for adventuring and pioneer's sake, but for Him. To invest our lives in eternal work, not our own fleshly benefit.

As much as my dad and I can disagree, this is one area that I know he understands 150% because he's the exact same way. The other day I finally told him some of the things we're thinking, and he could not have been more supportive (not that I expected anything different), and simply said, "I understand completely."

So I don't know. That's where I'm at. Where we're at. Unsure. Tired of being misunderstood, or not understood at all. But tired of pretending too. I am not discontent. I am totally and completely content where we're at, and with what we're doing. But I know it's not the end. And the process is part of the journey.

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