August 27, 2009

Too Fiery For My Own Good

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry that dog years are passing in between posts. It's ridiculous, I know. You have my job to thank for it. The job that sucks every ounce of goodwill and good thought towards people out.

I was telling my mom the other day that if we have a daughter, I hope she gets Matt's personality because I've always just been too fiery for my own good. Work has starkly reminded me of this.

To be quite honest, in the last several years, my personality had mellowed out quite a bit. I have been far less combative, opinionated, and argumentative.

(Do NOT ask my dad if this is true because that is how my dad and I relate - through fire.)

I don't think being fiery is all bad. I've rarely shied away from defending the needy and defenseless. I have a rock solid spine of resolution when it comes to right and wrong and defending justice and I can fight to the death if I have to. But to every good quality, there is the potential for being misused. Like just being opinionated and combative for no good reason. Just because I'm not afraid of a good argument.

I thought I was over all that, until I switched companies three months ago. I have had more face to face confrontation than I would ever like to see again. And the sad thing is, I can't be cowed down. Once my pride kicks in, I will stand my ground if it kills me.

I HATE pride. I'm serious. It has to be the downfall of every person when it's left unchecked. How I have pled with the Lord for a heart transplant.

The other day I was pouring out my soul to Matt, and I said, "I feel like I could scream from the pit of my bone marrow, I'm so frustrated with myself!"

He said many things in response to my tirade (all good, wise things), but the thing he said that brought me to tears because it pierced that very same bone marrow with truth was essentially this, "You know, a lot of times we just have to make a decision of what we're going to do. In Revelation, it says to repent, remember from where you have fallen, and do the things you did at first. It's sometimes a matter of simply stopping what you're doing now and begin doing what you did at first."

I need that tattooed on the inside of my eyelids and on my heart ventricles and on my brain stem and on my carotid artery. Places where I can't escape it.

In all this, the two things the Lord has specifically taught me this summer over and over are 1) His love for me is unconditional and unfailing and lavish (the song that came on just now is Unfailing Love by Chris Tomlin), and 2) He wants me to obey and believe Him.

It's hard to believe Him when you feel like such a failure, isn't it? But this battle is not over yet. And I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, even if I have to pull myself out of the mudhole that I just willingly threw myself headlong into.

Other than work, however, life is fantastic.

My husband is ridiculously wonderful.

Our friendships are great.

Our Peanut is still healthy and growing and becoming fluttery in my belly.

Our families are amazing.

Just work.

Stinks.

A lot.

Lord, help me.

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