April 13, 2009

Free Therapy

Writing has often been therapeutic for me. A way to express what I feel and think in my core, with the ability to edit. You don't get the luxury of editing in real life, or wouldn't we all be free of misunderstanding and hurt feelings?
I wrote a post several days ago, and after about a day of leaving it up, I took it off because it was so personal. And although every word of it was true, I felt too exposed. So I've decided to rewrite an edited (see, there you go) version; one in which I don't feel as if my soul is hanging out there for all to see. Chubs, maybe. Soul, no.
A few days ago, I was very angry. So angry in fact that I threw my phone as hard as I could after I got off of it (don't worry, it was at the couch). And don't worry, it wasn't my husband I was angry at. Quite the contrary, he was such a source of encouragement and empathy.
After I threw my phone I just collapsed in a fit of tears, facedown before my God. And I poured my heart out to Him, because I knew that He heard me. I spent the rest of the day feeling pretty somber and exhausted in my soul. That night, I ached to worship God, to allow worship music to say for me what I couldn't compose with my own lips. And as I paced the floor, it hit me with the greatest clarity I've ever experienced:
I wouldn't trade this for anything.
I wouldn't trade my God and my life in Him for anything. I ache for Him, and I am satisfied by Him. I long to be nearer and nearer to Him. He is life to me and for me. He is the greatest joy I've ever known. He is powerful beyond description and yet, intimately aware of every life. He tells me in His Word that His love is unfailing towards me, and that He is not reserved in His affections towards me, but rather that He rejoices over me with singing. That His banner over me is love, and He tells us in Revelation that one day He will make Satan bow down and declare that He has loved us (3:9). Wow.
And I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Not for a perfect life. Not for a perfect family. Not for a perfect spouse. Not for all the wealth in the world. Not for the most esteemed job. Not for perfect children. Not for all the beauty I could ever want. Not for anything.
That night as Matt and I prayed together, these words were on my lips and I meant them with everything in me:
"One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple."
-Psalm 27:4-

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