March 22, 2009

I'd Call Myself Helga.

So today began the Esther study kick-off. Holy macratoli. I hoped for.. oh, I don't know, 5 to 6 women.
(Sorry, quick side note - there was an earth worm massacre last night on our front step and Matt's procrastinating putting their squished, severed bodies to rest permanently in the trashcan...)
Ok, back on track. As I was saying... you know, 5 to 6 women would be fantastic.
Thirteen. Thirteen women signed up. And this brings me to my original point that I haven't actually made yet.

(Edited to add: we have a total of 26 women signed up)

The whole process of beginning this study has been a spiritual wrestling match for me. I've encountered intense fear. Fear of failure. Fear of embarrassment. I've come up against extreme discouragement and the sure knowledge of inadequacy. I've thought that surely I heard the Lord wrong when He led me to start this study. I've wrestled with what I've known to be true and what I felt to be true. That's a whole 'nother post in itself, but let me just say that it forced me to my knees, literally, as I cried out from an honest, desperate heart for the Lord's all-sufficient grace. There were days I had to repent and ask for His forgiveness because my flesh crept in, looking for a slice of recognition and esteem. There were days when I simply wept, out of sorrow and transparency, out of awe at His goodness. Because He is so good. All the time. Even in His discipline. He humbles me to save me from myself and the utter destruction of pride.
So at the end of the day I can truly say that I am Yours, Lord. All of me is Yours. Use my gifts, my talents, my weaknesses, my failures, my desires, my everything to glorify Yourself. May You be found recognizable in me.
And with all that said, if this were a real wrestling match...
I'd call myself Helga.

1 comment:

  1. you know earthworms are essential for good soil. ok i made that up