November 13, 2014

Secret-Keeper

But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. 1st John 1:7.

I'm going there. I'm doing it. I've had too many "coincidental" conversations and situations recently that have become the straw that broke my back.

I grew up in a church culture of secrecy.

What do I mean by that? I mean that when someone was caught in sin, everyone else was outwardly horrified (though probably inwardly relieved it wasn't them) and that person was gossiped about (i.e. prayed for) for a long time to come.

The pastor caught in pornography. The married man caught kissing someone else. The married man leaving his family for someone else. The girl with multiple partners. The prescription pain pill addiction. The movie watching (remember, we weren't supposed to own TVs or watch movies?). The pot smoking. So many examples I could use. And so many more stories that I know I barely know the inkling of.

But none of these things were ever talked about in an open, constructive, edifying, safe way. Not from the pastors, not from the ministry leaders, not from the families. I never one time participated in a safe discussion about any of these kinds of things.

You struggle with pornography? You better hope nobody ever finds out about that or you'll be "kicked out of ministry."

You throw your food up when nobody's looking or starve yourself? You better hope nobody ever finds out because "Christians don't struggle with those things."

Everything was an either/or situation. Either you don't struggle or you struggle but you keep it a secret so you're not punished or shamed.

Perfection or secrecy.

Not too long ago I was listening to a pastor on the radio who was speaking on the air with his wife about marriage. And she said something to the effect of, "I know this may be surprising but _______ and I have our moments of disagreement."

You know what ticked me right off about that? Why is that surprising? Why would it surprise us that two sinful people married to one another would have a disagreement? Do we really actually think that once you become a pastor or ministry staff person that you leave your sinful nature at the door? Of course you still have disagreements! I can't remember the last alive person I met that had finally reached perfection.

But what makes me really sad about all of this is that at the end of our secrets, Satan wins.

We don't get the perfect family, we don't get the perfect body, marriage, kids, ministry, life, we hoped we were presenting; we just get a lot of hypocrisy and double-living and secrets upon secrets and ultimately, either relational shallowness or relational dysfunction. Because you can't have safe and open and deep relationship with someone who's keeping secrets.

Recently, someone confided in me (and I have her permission to share this; I would never write about someone without their express permission) a very real struggle she has had for years. She had alluded for months that she wanted to talk about it but could never bring herself to share. Finally, one day I oh-so-gently pressed and it ever-so-slowly came out. And honestly? Honestly, all I could do was cry. I just told her over and over again through my tears, I'm just so sorry. I'm so sorry that you've carried this alone for so long and that you felt ashamed about it. I'm so sorry that you felt like that would change the way I would see you. I love who you are. That doesn't change anything about how I feel about you. I'm so sorry.

And I am so sorry. I'm so sorry that so many followers of Christ live in secrecy and darkness because they're terrified of being found out. But being found out about what? That Jesus is still transforming and refining them? That they aren't perfect?

And I'm not talking about license. I don't mean people who claim "freedom" as a means to continue in their sin. Because that person is still a slave to whatever that thing is.

I'm talking about freedom from shame and fear because we're not There yet.

I started Galatians this morning in my Bible reading plan. "Coincidentally" Galatians is chocked full of freedom, freedom, freedom.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1

You did not turn to Christ by faith and receive a new nature and Spirit only to continue trying really hard to get it right and live in fear of people finding out you're actually not perfect. And you still struggle with stuff.

That first moment of saving grace that Christ poured out on you when you turned to him in faith, receiving his mercy, was just the beginning. The Gospel doesn't stop there. The gospel continues to be good news to us. I have to remind myself of the gospel on a weekly basis.

It's good news that when I snapped and yelled at my sons yesterday that I'm not a slave to my failure and subsequent shame, that repentance and forgiveness are mine. Jesus, I'm sorry for giving vent to my anger. Your word says that fools do that and I'm sorry for being a fool and hurting my sons' hearts. And then I sit my sons down and look them in their eyes and in complete sincerity and godly sorrow I ask their forgiveness, Boys, I'm sorry I exploded in anger towards you. That was wrong. I got stressed and I took it out on you and that was wrong of me to do that. Did I hurt your hearts? I'm sorry I hurt your hearts. Do you forgive me? And then lots of hugs and kisses.



If the Good News is not true then the bad news is: I'm stuck. I have nowhere to turn except resignation and despair. And trying reeeeally hard.

It's not by my good works. It's not by your good works. It's faith and repentance and grace and mercy and forgiveness. Jesus, you love me. You always love me. I'm covered in your mercy. Your grace. I'm forgiven. 

And that compels me to love him more. To turn away from sin and towards Jesus. Do I get it perfect? No. Absolutely not. But then I remind myself of the good news.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1st John 1:9

You need not be ashamed that you still struggle. You need not let Satan enslave you to your secrets in a dark place where nobody wins, especially not you. You need not fear that others will know you're not perfect. You're not and we already know. Because we're not either.

The Good News is really, really good news.

(And because I can't not leave you with a few pictures of my favorite boys and I didn't do a Halloween post...here are Mister Fox, Chubby Raccoon, and my handsome fighter jet pilot.)





October 20, 2014

When I was Wrong

I'm just going to start writing and see the form this post takes.

Something bothered me about my last post but I couldn't quite totally put my finger on it. I kept asking God, What is it? Please give me your wisdom and discernment. If I said anything wrong, please show me, I want to correct it. Why don't I have peace? What is it??

And I think after prayer and time in the Word and a timely conversation with a friend and a couple sermons, it came down to two things:

1) I love the Church. I do. But have you ever read something that created contempt in you towards something or someone? I'm trying to think of something specific... Like if you read a very anti-fill-in-the-blank post or opinion or comment or status you come away with this contempt and disgust towards that specific topic/person/party/subject? I think my last post, however inadvertently and unintended, had a high likelihood of creating contempt towards preaching and pastors and the Church in America.

Don't get me wrong. There's a place for sound judgment, and that's Biblical. But I think when we exercise Biblical judgment it should be specific and have strong Biblical grounds. But if we just make blanket statements towards something overall, it paints the entire picture in a negative light, when in reality there are a lot of people in the body of Christ in America who love Jesus and his Word and are seeking to follow him as best as they know how.

With that said, I shouldn't have generally targeted topical teaching or the Church overall in America. Because while I'm inside my head and know exactly what I mean, nobody else is and so you only hear what I write and not all the inner dialogue that accompanies it.

So to clarify: what do I even mean about a small God and what did topical teaching or the Church in American have to do with my statement?

I'm going to use an illustration Matt uses that I think is so wise and helps us easily understand. If I don't eat anything all week and then Sunday morning comes along and I finally eat something, I'm going to scarf it down because I'm starving. But I'm going to be starving again in a few hours because my body is malnourished but that's too bad because my next meal isn't for seven more days. Well, to add to that, what if the meal I had was just a hotel-type breakfast buffet? Very light, non-substantive food. That adds to an already serious problem.

Unfortunately, I think that's what can often happen in many believers' walk with God. We don't seek God or read his Word or talk with him at all during the week and then Sunday comes along and we try to spiritually stuff ourselves, hoping it'll last but most often it doesn't and then we start the week off again in that same pattern and it doesn't take long before we're spiritually malnourished. Well, what if we add to an already serious problem and the only spiritual food we get on Sunday is light and fluffy and non-substantive? It doesn't teach or equip us how to know and walk with God ourselves, which is very, very Biblical and is actually what shepherds in the New Testament are encouraged to do: equip believers into maturity in their faith and knowing Christ.

This is a downwards spiral that is very likely to lead us into all sorts of unBiblical thinking, like: something bad happened to me, God doesn't love me; I don't feel God so he must not love me or be near to me; I don't feel like reading his Word so I won't; I'm not equipped to talk about God or share Jesus with others so I won't; I'm afraid what people will think of me when I pray so I don't, and on and on.

The only way those types of beliefs (and many others) about God are confronted and grown is in light of the truth of Scripture and growing in the knowledge of Christ, both through his Word and in communing with him. If we're not doing these things, we easily develop a small or inaccurate view of God.

It's always awkward when you're first getting to know someone; it takes time and intentionality and purposefulness to get to a place of familiarity and deeper trust and I think the same is often true of God as we pursue knowing him and getting to a place of trust and loving him and stepping out in faith (which gets deeper and deeper the longer we pursue him and walk with him).

Which I think lends to a bigger and more accurate view of God, a big God if you will. Does it take tragedy to become discontent with shallow belief and a desire to know him more? No, absolutely not. It takes a starting place. For me, it happened in college. I grew up in a legalistic church where knowing God equated trying not to do bad things (like have a TV in your home) and trying really hard to do good things (like be at every church event). Both of those were outward things and hardly indicative of a truly transformed heart. I can't remember one time hearing that Jesus transforms us from the inside out and gives us his Holy Spirit to do what we can't do in our natural selves, however well-intentioned we may be; like Ravi Zacharias has so perfectly said, The Holy Spirit doesn't just change what we do, he changes what we want to do. Boom. Yes.

Our desires change. And when we sin, it grieves us. And when we've gone several days without spending any time with him, we feel it. When I said that for me it started in college, this is what it looked like: I had a woman (hi, Laura!) start meeting with me every week and for the first time I was actually being equipped and taught to study the Bible for myself and talk to Jesus normally and without fanciful words and invoking a passionate voice (anyone relate? or was that just me?). But the number one thing I started doing was to simply ask Jesus for what I lacked (and it's a discipline I do to this very day): Lord, would you give me a desire to read your word? Would you give me a desire to meet with you? Would you fill me with hunger and passion to know you and your Word? Would you stir the affections of my heart to love you and to love what you love?

I asked and I still ask. I began to be gut-honest with him about where I was at and my lack of desire. And that continues to this day. I've become more and more gut-honest with him through the years, particularly after the last almost-two years.

Does this all make sense? I feel like I'm rambling.

So, reigning it in. I shouldn't have made such general statements about the Church in America because we can get wisdom and grow from topical or less-inductive sermons. It just can't be our only spiritual food. It has to be coupled with knowing and loving Jesus for ourselves or we'll be ill-equipped for anything other than good tidings.

And (and I promise this is it),

2) This one is brief. I strongly recommended reading, Rare Bird, and I still do but just keep in mind that it's a memoir so it shouldn't be read as a prescriptive book on grief, but rather a descriptive book on one woman's journey of grief. That means I would recommend using discernment on a couple things mentioned in there. Overall, a great book though.

Ok, whew, what are your thoughts? Can you relate? Any stories of your own?

And a couple pictures to make up for my rambling...

(These are oldies but goodies.)





Blankie marks on Asher's face, he's woken up like that since he was about a month old!



October 17, 2014

Grace showed me that I'm done with pursuing a small God

Wednesday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I debated whether I was going to even mention it. I felt the same way that I felt about Congenital Heart Defect Awareness week back in February - I hated it. I hated that it meant something personally to me. I wanted to be sad for other people. Or better yet, I didn't even want to know it existed. Like before, when everything in my life fit comfortably. I was confident of my views about God and his Word. I was confident that there were Biblical answers for EVERYTHING. (I can't hardly stomach the know-it-all I was before our lives changed so drastically that January 18th day.)

But I did mention it because I know I'm not alone. So many others could relate personally to that day too. It means something a whole lot different than just a sort of passing holiday like Columbus Day (which by the way, why are we still celebrating?)

I just finished the book, Rare Bird (read it. Please read it. Whether you can relate personally or not, please read it.), and the author said something so profound that completely encapsulates how I feel today, now, in the aftermath of loss and grief:

Ask me on a Wednesday and I'll say that Jack's death is part of God's beautiful plan for the world and that every action and every second of that terrible Thursday had to happen in order for that plan to be fulfilled, though my human eyes are too clouded to see what it is. Ask me on Friday and I'll say we live in a sinful world where bad things happen to good people while an all-knowing God let this happen to Jack - even gave us a foreboding of what was to come - He didn't make it happen. Other days I won't say anything at all. I mean, what do I know?

I'm certainly not willing to drag other hurting mothers into my brain games as I try one idea or another on for size. I'm not going to tell a mother whose first grader was gunned down in a classroom that it was part of God's plan. I may be there with Jack's death on more days that I'm not, but I refuse to come to these conclusions for anyone else. 

And it's tricky. Because hurting people want to understand; we want to know why. But we don't want people coming to conclusions for us, feeding us neat little answers of what God's will is and how His mind and heart work. No thank you.

I guess the only thing that is certain to me now is that the small God I followed before, the one I must secretly have believed would spare my family pain if I just didn't ask for too much or set my sights too high, is somehow not big enough to carry me now.

That little God isn't the one who comforts me when I despair. No, it's a big God, whose loving voice reminds me of my mother's, who gently whispers to me, "I know, Anna. I know, honey. I know."

I am so done with a small God. I am so done with a God that can be wrapped up in a topical sermon, full of elaborate props and silly illustrations. Do you know what that did for me in my darkest hour? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I once expressed concern to a pastor whose church we had been attending for a significant amount of time that I couldn't remember the last time I had heard him preach the Gospel. His response? Well, I guess I consider myself more of an encourager, more of a motivational preacher.

What? There is no encouragement apart from the Gospel. It literally means Good News. What's more encouraging than that? The good news that God is a God who forgives, redeems, restores, transforms, makes new.

I don't need to have a catchy sermon title with flashy props. I need God. The one described in the Bible.

I want to know about the God who met Elijah in the wilderness when Elijah wanted to die because he was so profoundly discouraged. Did God give him a three-point motivational talk about what he can do to snap himself out of it and start receiving those blessings and speak the word of faith? No, he sent an an angel to minister to his most immediate needs. Then he spoke words of empathy and compassion, Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you. And then he sent Elijah to a mountain and said, Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.

He revealed himself to Elijah. Not in demonstrative acts of grandeur (he wasn't in the wind, the earthquake, or the fire) but through a gentle whisper. And it was enough for Elijah. He returned to the work God had given him to do.

That's the God I want to know. That's the God who can't be contained, summed up, wrapped up, explained away, minimized, who quite frankly, destroys all cutesy perceptions about him that we propagate through shallow, entertainment-oriented, numbing American church practices.

Too few are equipped to withstand and endure loss and suffering and calamity because most of our spiritual upbringing has been about making us a more moral person, not about knowing the God of the universe in his power, his love, his gentleness, his nearness, through his Word, and talking and communing with him.

And without planning for this to all work together this way, this is what I read in my devotional time this morning:

"We put no obstacle in anyone's way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known, as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything" (2nd Corinthians 6:3-10).

God and faith and knowing him and walking with him and loving him and others are much more profound and deeper and richer and better than simply having good morals. Real life calls for much more than that. Maybe those silly illustrations and promises of prosperity work in a good, calamity-free world, but not in the one I live in.

I no longer feel this pressure to have a spiritual answer and bow-tied experience to share with people. This is what I know: I don't know why our story is what it is, but I know that the God I love now is so much better than the small view I had before. He has been profoundly near, profoundly loving, profoundly more powerful and bigger than I ever fathomed. And I love to meet with him. I love that this journey isn't done and I have more time to be transformed as I look to him and love his Word.



October 14, 2014

Where do we find ourselves this fall season?

I can't believe I haven't posted since August. I wanted to give my blog a big, fluffy hug when I pulled it up just now. I miss writing. I miss this place. I write often in my journal but there's something about thinking out loud and "conversating" with others through this space.

Life is rolling along as usual around here. In place of trying to catch up on all my thoughts, I'll post an update on each of us. (It's also fun for me to come back and read what life was like at different seasons.)



Matt:
He's in his final three months of clinicals for the Family Nurse Practitioner program. I (we) have never wanted something to be done and over with so much in our entire lives. It's been the most intense three years we've ever experienced. (Don't anyone ever tell me that you can't go to school because you have a family. Matt has done it working full-time the entire time WHILE having babies and kids and losing our precious daughter and moving twice and a whole lot more.) It's only by the grace of God and Matt's hard (HARD) work that we've come so far and the finish line is in sight but if God can give us the grace to do it, he can give anyone the grace to do it. It also helps that he loves clinicals (which is good because it's what he'll be doing so that's great, right?). He (we) are just weary of juggling so many responsibilities - work, clinicals, school, studying, family. But, as always, Matt's just plain awesome about everything.

His mom and dad both visited us in the last month.






Me:
I'm also plugging along. I turned 31 a few weeks ago and I know this is so cliche I can't hardly stand it, but really the 30s are so much better than the 20s. I feel like for the first time I'm really understanding who and how and why I am. I'm not self-conscious or apologetic anymore about things (like having a strong-willed personality). It's how Jesus made me and especially the last couple of years I've found so much comfort and encouragement and celebration of who I am (rather than the regular stream of "correction" and discouragement I've gotten from many people along the way). And Matt (who matters the most) tells me regularly, I love who you are. I love that guy. I have more to share, about my Grace and things Jesus has been teaching me about myself and parenting, but I'll save those for a separate post.






Micah:
He's 4 1/2 and in pre-school at a new school this year. We're all loving it, especially him. The teacher is fantastic and he comes home with such quality things he's learning. The other day we were driving away from a park and out of nowhere he started asking me questions about Jesus and how he lives in our hearts and how can he live in two places at once. I pulled the car over to talk to him face to face because the questions warranted undivided attention. I explained as simply as possible the Gospel (which is really simple or Jesus wouldn't have praised children for understanding what the most learned couldn't). I could tell his wheels were turning. I pray unceasingly that Jesus would draw the hearts of my sons to himself and I have great peace knowing I never have to force anything. Jesus is powerful enough, I just need to be mindful of those goldmine moments. Micah continues to grow up (why? WHY??) and amaze us with who he's becoming. He's very different than me and sometimes he and I struggle because of that but like I've told him for as long as I can remember, I love you and I love who you are. 




Asher:
Asher just turned 3 and this little guy is a firecracker, and we love him for it. He's probably the most like me which means I often know how to engage with him. His age group filled up this year for pre-school so he's home with Luke and me but he's fine with it. He loves to play with Micah and others but he plays great by himself too. I love to watch him when he doesn't know I'm watching. He has such a vivid imagination and has whole worlds running smoothly with just a few cars and legos and airplanes. He's the most affectionate of us all and is constantly saying things like, Mom, you're piddy. I love you. He can be very stubborn if the mood hits him but overall he's very amiable and fun to be around.






Luke:
He's 4 1/2 months now and also 20 pounds and oh, this little guy. He has completely stolen our hearts. I love him so much. He's finally started sleeping through the night again (like 7-7ish) after a severe sleep regression that nearly sent me into the abyss. Overall he's a very happy, contented baby. He loves Micah especially and Micah loves trying to make him smile and laugh. It's the sweetest thing to see. Sweet wee one.

(I couldn't refrain from overposting pictures of him. But he's the baby, it goes with the territory.) 






So here we are. A brief recap of where we've been these fall days. I'll be writing more about my sweet Grace and other thoughts I've been thinking but this'll do for now.

I love hearing back from you guys and I read and try to respond back to every comment (both here and on Facebook) so tell me, what have your days looked like?

August 28, 2014

Asher's 3rd Birthday Questionnaire

The end of August is always a busy birthday season for us. This year Matt turned 32 on the 26th and Asher turned 3 on the 27th. We had a big birthday party for Asher at our house and then a quiet dinner with a few friends for Matt's birthday.




Both nights were fun and memorable celebrating two of my favorite guys.



I did a questionnaire with Asher like I did with Micah on his fourth birthday. His answers are so funny, they totally encapsulate our sweet and funny boy.


1. Favorite color: pink

2. Favorite toy: my turtle one (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

3. Favorite TV show: Tigger

4. Favorite movie: the Lego movie with Batman on it



5. Favorite food: ice cream

6. Favorite animal: peanut butter and jelly

7. Favorite song: Speak Life (same as Micah's on his birthday)

8. Best friend: Micah

9. Favorite drink: water



10. Favorite thing to play outside: riding my bike

11. Favorite breakfast: peanut butter and jelly

12. Favorite lunch: peanut butter and jelly and ice cream

13. Favorite thing about Micah: It's his birthday



14. Favorite thing about Daddy: Daddy

15. Favorite thing about Mommy: I don't know, Mom.

16. Favorite dessert: ice cream

17. What do you want to be when you grow up: a plane

Oh our funny boy, we love you more than we can say. His name means "blessed" or "happy" and it's true in every sense of the words. I laughed when they placed him on my chest and I laugh every day now at some silly thing he does or says. I couldn't imagine life without the fullness and joy he brings to it.

Thank you to everyone who came and celebrated our boy with us!